Royal-Tea Bears, comic poem 160 by Angela Lansbury

 

The royal Tea Bears lived in fine Tea Town

An impressive large town, not a wee town

Tea town where the best, big Tea Baggs are made

In mirror shop windows proudly displayed

Nearby, not related to fine Tee Town

An impressive large town, not a wee town

Where the best big buttoned Tee Sherts are made 

In mullioned shop windows proudly displayed

Far away from small A town, nicknamed "Ay"

The boss's granny's from Bubble  B town

Only a mile away from smart C town

Whose policemen live in Detour "D-town"

English trains tour to exquisite E town

Package planes take off to filthy "F......" town

Holiday makers go to happy H town

Sports teams train to be great in good G town

I once lived in icy, Island I-town

Dated John and James from jew'lers' J town

Loved large parks and larks in little L town

Knew kangaroos in zoos in cute K town

More the merrier in magic M town

Night and day, pay and play in new N town

Over and out, over in old, odd O town

Please and Peas are famous from poor P town

Queue to see queens in quaint, quiet, Q town

Royal dinners served in rich, red R town

Special swimming galas in smart S town

Veras and Victors abound in V town

Do U turns down to uppity U town

Double brollies sell in W town

Sex is in X rated in middle X town

Why does no-one go to youthful Y town?

Ned and Fred zig-zag to zany Zed town

Chloe and Zoe zoom down to Zee town

Tourist take their tea in Tea town

My Tee shirts are from Tee town - the me town!

Tourist who like tasting rich, royal Tea

Take guided tours of Cyrillic with me

Past London's hospital, the Royal Free

Alphabetical towns with towers, no fee

Alphabets look Russian and Greek to me.

Kids without cares, Dads buy bears, selling shares

Boys buy soft toys, beaming girls twirl curls

Mums play rhythmic music by Middle Sea.

-

By Angela Lansbury. Copyright.

Glossary and puns

all Greek to me - mystery/puzzling/erudite

ay - pun on A quality or top quality and ay or aye for yes or agreement

A- A roads, A is top quality, first in the alphabet

B - secondary road, second class

C - tertiary road, third class

brolly - umbrella

D tour and detour

F ... - four letter word, swear word, meaning sex

Middle Sea - pun on musical note Middle C

I - pun on Iceland, the country and the shop, icy I town

J town, pun on Jewish

N - many town are called new or Newcastle, Newton

M for McDonalds

P - mind your Ps and Qs

royal T - pun on royalty, tea with royal seal of approval, by appointment to the royal family 

T - pun on for tea and golf tee

train - pun on taking a train, and training for a sports team

V - Vera is a name and implies truth 

wee - small (word of Scottish origin)

wee-wee - urine

Zed - last letter of the alphabet in the UK

Zee - last letter of the alphabet in the USA

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You can see my books on Lulu.com and amazon.com and look inside for free or buy one or two and if you meet me ask me to sign a copy for you or to send you a rhyming couplet with your name.

Picture of bubble tea from Angela Lansbury. copyright.

Sinking feeling Comic poem number 159 by Angela Lansbury also known as Hazel Nutter

 

In a place once peaceful

Machines made loud sounds

Where they dreamt of gold money

Deep, dark underground

Many years onwards

Who would suspect

How the past's actions

Creep up and infect?

We walk with a firm step

We are not afraid

But collections of pictures

Make me dismayed

A place for a camp ground

A picnic, or a toddy

A place for missing, lost, cavers

Found - a place to hide a body ...

An ominous sound

A widening crack, 

Do not turn round

Do not go back!

A feast of gold, or coal

A ghost, sulphur, a lost soul

In a sheltered green valley

A shocking black sinkhole

Hear a one-time blast

It's a ghost from the past

What once was concealed

Will now be revealed

A second die is cast

From the far off hidden past

The paved road's a broken shield

The earth's wound cannot be healed

No more money in the pails

Old white bones tell new tales

The wind blows like a widow's wails

Nature's revenge never fails

Politicians say get cracking

'cause we need the energy

Don't be afraid of fracking

Waiting for the taking, it's free

So let's go dig a hole

In the middle of the city

Cut a mountain in half

The train link ride is pretty

The planet is a garden

Plant an acorn, grow a tree

The earth is sure to pardon

If not for you, it's all for me

It's just a little buttonhole

It's a ripple spreading wealth

It will make the city whole

I'll finance it myself

But deep underground

There's a worrying sound

The earth is rumbling

The trees are tumbling

Not like falling leaves

Which nobody grieves

Everybody dies

Everybody leaves

We have learned from the past

That nothing will last

Time to work, not sit and play

Should have planted yesterday

Tall plants won't be seen by me

Yet each generation plants a tree

Like the emigrant sailing overseas

We plant small acorns and dream of grand trees

We fancy we're immortal

So, from Heaven we'll look down

As if we own the world

Eating fruit, finding truffles underground

What if there's no Heaven?

We'll shrug and move on

When problems we created

Hit others - we're long gone

Just like loved, dear, dead mothers

Ancestors can do no wrong

A sink hole's a real disaster

Which makes a lovely song.

Don't be cruel

Don't be a fool

Just fill the sink hole up

You've a tourist's swimming pool.

-ends-

Sunk Holes - The Sinkhole Song comic poem 158 by Angela Lansbury - also known as Hazel Nutter

 

In a place once peaceful

There's machine made sound

The ghost of gold money

In the deep, dark underground

The city of Sodom -

Karma said the bible

Before the lawyers

Had thought of libel

A car may sink

In a hole in the road

But the French have built

An underground abode

A hole is a pool 

In Mexico

For a swim

It looks a great place to go.

-ends

Lovely Luton Airport - comic poem 157 by Angela Lansbury

Luton airport, control tower. Picture from Wikipedia.

Little Luton has an airport

Which makes you glad to get away

It's popular for short breaks, elsewhere 

But not a place to stay

When England's trains were striking

We were glad to arrive

Our lost luggage was hit by lightning

We were glad to be alive

I put on my reading glasses

And I squinted at the map

If our air fare is cheaper there

I admit we're going back 

Luton, Luton, hardly bigger than a crouton

Not so good you grin, not so bad you grieve

You are always glad to get there

But equally glad to leave.

You would not want to die there

Or even to be born

It looks average in sunshine

But really bad in a storm.

The British are cynics

Ironic, and moan

When they are far away

They say want to be home

Don't get me wrong

Although I complain

In a poem or song

I shall go there again.

After I'd parked

It was getting dark

But I found the seats

And a sandwich in Marks.

Avocado in brown bread

Nothing bad can be said

How to change what you think

Have a sandwich and a drink.

-ends-

'Change' or 'reverse'? Reverse is more original. I changed the word change to the word reverse. But change has the right number of syllables. I changed the last line but one back to change.

A Gold-plated Necklace Of Words Comic poem 156 by Angela Lansbury - also known as Hazel Nutter

When you need a simple rhyme

There's no need to waste your time

Type synonyms and a Thesaurus

Roget's done the hard work for us

D'you need new words? Just look online

No need to spend a single dime

Synonyms crowd the thesaurus

Repetition needn't bore us

If syllables outrun your line

Count on your fingers, you'll be fine

Don't let all life's stresses gnaw us

When you're tired, write a chorus

When big news is all grime and crime 

Small positive words seem sublime

Good words open new doors for us

That's why readers all adore us

In the daytime, or after dark

Poets and speakers leave their mark

Life has found a new job for us

All our keen readers implore us

You do not need to waste your time

Wracking your brains to think up rhymes

Roget wrote in his thesaurus 

He's done all the hard work for us.

Each proud nation's patriots climb

Place ads at stations, flash flags and signs

Even those who never knew us

Send songs, hymns, and prayers, to us

Recycle, improve what went before

Words links chains, change people, add more

Thought and research prove chains are true

I'll pass these gold-plate words to you.

-ends

Photo of discarded, damaged, gold-plated tap, upcycled, glued, preserved, to make a glittery paperweight. 

Chains in a necklace was what I was thinking, not chains holding you down.

Life's Comic Train Journey Comic poem by Angela Lansbury, Poem 155

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

As Busy As A Bee, Boasting of My Magical Book On Alliteration At Riotous Writers Summer School, poem 154

version 1

I'm sure you and beautiful Bea would like to be as busy as a bee

I've seen a lot of busy bees, but few as busy as marvellous me

 

I'm not busy like a has been, I don't dwell on what I might have been

I'm tutting, clearing up the typo mess I made, so silly spelling errors won't be seen

I'm angelic Angela, amazing and amusing 

I like planes and boats and trains, no camping, yes cruising

I like any kind of meeting which includes a lot of eating

I like chauffeurs and cooks, and those who buy my books!

I like to diet, because I don't want to die

From overeating at a meeting

Or dinner, when I try

Not to eat seconds every mealtime, every day

Instead a doggie bag, for a bitch's brilliant take away

I wrote Improve your English

I do not approve of Singlish

I used to be easy-going and obese

Now I'm thin as a thong, and I work, very long, 

As a volunteer, with grammar police

My book contains alliteration, 8

Plus assonance and rhyme 6

I'll teach you alliteration, 

Give me just five minutes of your precious, ticking time

I shall speak of dashing Dennis, 

And barmy, brainy Bill

Darling Denise who pays the club's food and drinks bill

Helped by our cook, generous, Gill

I shall go on and on about Johnson And Johnson and John

Add add Peter the painter to the metre

And because it's already after dark

I won't meet mysterious Marc in the park

I've joined generous Gerald and Jewish Julian

Pushed poor Pauline towards pretty Penny

Added Aunt Anita and cute Carolyn

And jubilant Julie and genuine Jenny

I've met most of the host of awesome authors

And heard lots of ingenious plots 

If I share alliteration with you,

We're both bound to make money, lots and lots.

If you have any questions

I'd be glad if you don't ask

Just buy and read my book

You'll absorb all, from that quick and simple task.

Goodbye. Goodbye to Gregory. My book's a very good buy

Buy it and you'll be as busy as a bee and start talking and twittering on just like me

Alliteration is a habit, once you try

Just read it, you need it - a great, good buy, a great goodbye.

Version 2 (Syllable count at end of each line)

Be like me, busy as a bee 8

No-one's busy like me

I'm not busy like a has been,

Shrug - what I might have been

I'm clearing the typo mess made, 

Spelling errors unseen

I'm your angelic Angela

Amazing, amusing

I like big planes, small boats, long  

Hate camping, love cruising

I love any kind of meeting

Which has  lots of eating

 I like chauffeurs, chefs and good  cooks

And those who buy my books

My new book's Improve Your English

I don't mention  Singlish

Once easy-going - and obese

Now I'm thin as a thong

As a volunteer I work long

With the  Grammar Police

My book contains alliteration, 8

Plus assonance and rhyme 6

I'll teach you alliteration, 

Give me five minutes time

I shall speak of dashing Dennis, 

And barmy, brainy Bill

Denise pays the club's food and drinks bill

Helped by our cook, generous, Gill

They'll go on and on, Johnson John

I see David but it's dark

Peter the Painter, add metre

Don't meet Marc in the park

I've joined Gerald and Julian

Pushed Pauline to Penny

Add Anita and Carolyn

Jolly Julie and Jenny

I've met hosts of awesome authors

Hear lots of clever plots

I'll share my rhyming tricks with you

Write songs, make money -lots!

If you've any burning questions

Keep silent, please don't ask

Just buy and find all in my book

Quizzes teach - easy task

Goodbye, my dear, it's a good buy

You'll talk in rhyme like me

Alliterations' a habit

Need it? Read it! Goodbye.

-ends-

It is on Amazon as a paperback (Look inside!) or save money by buying the ebook.

Please bookmark my book and share links to your favourite posts with your friends.

Dear Little Children, Trust Me . Comic poem by Angela Lansbury number153

Children learn when you pinch toy rabbits they squeak

They live forever, without food, many weeks

You can shout at a toy, but it never speaks

We search the wide world, but don't know what we seek

All the world's dear little children

Think the clouds and the sky hide a heaven

And after we die - as we all might - one day

We all go to heaven, not the other way. 

And all the good parents

That's me, them - and you

Won't spoil adult kids' fun and say it's not true

For that would cause a most dreadful to do 

And all the nursery's soft, cuddly bears

Give the impression that bears have blank stares

And love to be cuddled

No scientist cares, nobody dares

Yet one day kids ask why

Birds fly through the sky

I can't explain the thunder and rain

Or how a young pilot can fly a large plane

So we all pretend til the day that we die

With hopes flying high

All adults are children, so don't ask why

We pretend, we believe, you can see through the sky.

-ends-

copyright Angela Lansbury Monday 2nd August 2022

Singapore - what do I like? Comic poem number 152 by Angela Lansbury

Singapore, Singapore

What do I like?

Every day shopping

And one day I'll hike

I can take Uber

Or MRT trains

Or watch 3 films on

Singapore Airlines planes

What should you pack?

I'm always forgetting

Thick cut marmalade

And mosquito netting.

The orchids, magenta

Palm trees, lipstick and green

When food courts are dirty

Limping old folks sweep clean

Singapore is a place

Where I know I'll survive

Law-abiding, and silent

Then I'll stay alive.

If they say wear masks

Then we all wear masks

We do what we're told

They just have to ask

They have Disney style barriers

Outside public halls

Polite army cadets

At the entrance to malls

I can register a scooter

Or hire a bike

Trains and roads run in circles

What's not to like?

If I end up paying double

I might feel a bit cross

But a quiet guard helps

Whenever I'm lost

I can queue at the bridge

Go abroad - half day getaway\

But I'm glad to be home

See sunrise, then storms, then sunsets, most days.

I can eat all cuisines

If I want, I can swim

Join religions which permit armies

Join the army, pray, sing hymns.

Almost all speak Chinese

But at school learn English

They'll understand you

But can you translate Singlish?

It's simple, 

An exclamation ends 'la!'

It's simple

A question ends 'ma?'

It's simple, it's easy

The word mother is ma

For mummy, or two mothers

You screech (high tone) ma-ma.

They are all keen to help

They chatter and smile

They even have smiles

On cross cockroaches, cross dragons and cross crocodiles.

I've a doctor or dentist

If I'm willing to pay

First thing tomorrow

If it's too late today.

I can turn on the air con 

In a gym, ride a bike

Ride a bus round in circles

What's not to like!

-ends-

copyright Angela Lansbury 31 July 2022.

Komodo dragons are in the Singapore Zoo, and alarming monitor lizards are freely wandering in the Botanical gardens. The friendly monkeys would love to destroy your house. You only have to open a patio window when you see one. There is no mosquito netting, no fly screens.

I am a Singapore resident. I was not born there. I chose to live there. My husband went there for work, got used to wearing shorts all year, and paying less tax. So we stayed.

Pease share links to your favourite posts.

A Wild Garden comic poem number 151 by Angela Lansbury

 

Two foxes in back garden, apple tree and roses. UK. Photo by Angela Lansbury. 

We used to have a gardener

Who called once a week and moved the lawn

And trimmed rose trees to sensible heights

My machete's an umbrella, I feel prickled and forlorn

A garden is a lovely place

But we've no milk nor honey

Useless trees attract dogs, wasps, bees

Our annual gardener wants too much money

Our garden's full of wild life

Rats, cats, snakes, foxes,birds and bees

Welcome to squirrels - everyone

Except for you and me

But never mind 'cos love is blind

Our pot-holed lawn looks dappled

Only a poet could love a place

Where every worm has an apple.

That broken fence will cost a few pence

Rats feasted on my car engine

Although we spared no expense

The rat poison hasn't yet had a win

A mouse shows guests around our house

The ivy is strangling the gutter

The worms know they will be in for a treat

When we are soon six foot under.

How lucky we are

To have a garden and a house

We have it all, six dead neighbours,

Two sleepy neighbours' cats and an athletic mouse.

-ends-

I meant the cats are sleepy, contrasting with the athletic mouse evading the useless cats. The fox didn't catch the rats. But the phrase 

'sleepy neighbours' cats' was unintentionally ambiguous. The sleepy neighbours, suggests they have wandering cats and straying dogs. 

The large hole was made by the vixen, we think.

The mouse was not in this house, but my late uncle's. Dead in the breadbin. The mouse. Not my uncle. 

We have had six neighbours die in the last decade, at intervals. Two elderly couples. Plus one man. One woman. Not appriate to discuss more here in the footnote to a comic poem. I am hoping to live to 100 you will have a few more comic poems to read. 

My other lighthearted but slightly cynical, entertaining, blogs include travewithangelalansbury.blogspot.coml and dressofthedayangela.blogspot.com

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Games with Names - Carolyn. Comic poem number 150 by Angela Lansbury.

Games with Names - Carolyn

comic poem by Angela Lansbury

You'd like a poem on Carolyn

She's my good friend, where shall I begin?

She believes in original sin

Done by writers, and one's kith and kin

But, frankly, what you all want to know

Is: where this poem's going to go?

What will my friend do which strikes as new?

More important  - what's in it for you?

She edits, with helpers, self-help books

She's already finished two or three

All include her, and two include me!

She'll add you in an anthology

Say you're an expert on everything

Write personal, researched, dark or light

Promise you'll stay up beyond midnight

What you write wrongly - you'll put it right!

Yes, write to her now, it's a win-win

With sharing, caring, dear Carolyn

To end, I'll echoing where I begin

She swears, she's my good friend, Carolyn.

-ends-

copyright Angela Lansbury 23 July 2022.

I began line four as 'once done by one's kith and kin', considered changing line four to 'gladly done by one's kith and kin'

The last line is ambiguous. 'She swears', meaning affirms, 'that she's a good friend', my meaning theirs, or mine, being me, Angela. I originally had, 'others swear' (profanities), but she never swears. However, the count of 9 syllables per line meant I had to change the meaning to fit the syllable count.

Go and look at the book Authenticity & Us on Amazon. 

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Confession Of The Accident-Prone Tormented Traveller. Comic poem number 149 by Angela Lansbury.

I wore pink and black to a funeral

When the others all wore black

I crawled on the floor under the pew

Reversed my jacket before the priest turned back

Disasters always happen to me

But they also happen to you

As I fly by, into spiders' nets

Beside you, you know it's true

Because I'm the anxious passenger

While you're the optimistic driver

Luckily I'm a survivor

But I wouldn't bet a fiver

Last week we got a parking ticket

And then the congestion charge

You shrugged, and said, just once in a while

The two fines, and my stress, were large

I've travelled a lot, near and far

Loved Corsica, 'til knocked down by a car 

On campsites I was unhappily muddied

I drove home, found my street was flooded

One boarding mishap can be blamed on me

I left my passport behind at security

Crew tried to stop racing back off the plane

I promise I'll never do that again.

Now you off travelling

Friends ask, "D'you mind being alone?"

Yes, I do, but travelling is so stressful

I'd rather fall off chairs and trip over at home.

-ends-

I changed, then add to the last line to I'd rather trip over at home, trip and trip over being useful puns.

Please share links to your favourite poems.

The Happy Traveller. Comic poem 148 by Angela Lansbury.

 I'm the world's most happy traveller

I've travelled far and near

To the kitchen and the bathroom

Around the world with you, my dear

I've travelled to Australia

Austria, America, Malaysia

To places grander, and seedier

All through Wikipedia

Travelling makes you happier

Travelling makes you greedier

Travelling makes you dishevelled and dappier

Travelling make you needier

You want to travel when you're stuck at home

You want to be home when you're far away

Today you wish it was tomorrow

Tomorrow you'll wish it was today

Travelling makes you wise and proud

Of what you leave, you see, and do

I'm glad to say I've travelled so much -

I can count one country more than you.

-ends-

July 12 2022

Shall I change that to

'I have travelled to one place more than you' ?

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The Immortal Spider. Comic Poem number 147 by Angela Lansbury

The Immortal Spider - comic poem by Angela Lansbury

Subtitle: The immortal spider, on parole, gets the last laugh on spider police person

 Last night I woke up with a dreadful fright

I heard a little noise moving on the left - or right

I thought a ghost - or  burglar - had touched my shoe

Then suddenly my bladder told me what to do

I rushed to the bathroom, tripped on shoes in a rush

But felt much better when I heard the toilet flush

Then I saw a large black spider, hiding in the white bath

But you hear this from far away, so you can simply laugh

It's not that I'm a spider lover, we're not friends

But to throw it out the window seems a kinder end

I grabbed a mug to catch it, chased it round - and round again

I had no choice, sorry, I had to flush it down the drain.

I took a shower with one leg in the bath, one out

Ready to retreat if the plug's strength was in doubt

But, by the time the day's over, I no longer care

Wrong. There's danger - every day - and everywhere

Tonight that damned spider's back, 

Peeping round the washbasin tap

Is that the same spider? Or its close cousin or wife?

Did I give it a second chance when I saved its life?

Are the bath and basin connected by a pipe?

If so, washing it away is just a load of hype

I know I shouldn't say it, but to me all spiders look the same

We weren't that close, I didn't see its face or get its name 

This is not the time, to waste, on philosophy

The issue is quite simple, it's either it or me!

The spider's big, too big, trapped in a basin which is small

Catching it inside a toothmug wasn't hard at all

The bathroom window's opened,

 I quickly throw it out

No - It's climbing up the windowsill ...!

I'm ready to kill it - if only looks could kill

I quickly slam the window shut -

Hurray, hurray - it's out!

Do I need to wash the toothmug?

Why is there any doubt?

The job is done, and I have won

I've cleaned the bath and bathroom -

And I've just saved a life!

I'm the world's most perfect mother, wife and housewife!

Today I'm proud to say there's no spider in my bath

But you are far from my help, so I can laugh

I know you'll phone me, panicking, and ask me what to do

If my - living - spider takes a walkabout, and decides to visit - you!

-ends-

Copyright July 7th 2022.

Yes, both incidents true, in 24 hours. I cannot take credit for the plot, simply for the way of telling the story.

Spider emoji by Google.

Romeo and Juliet Updated. Comic Poem 146 by Angela Lansbury

 

What if Juliet was pregnant

And Romeo was rich

And they had a double wedding

And the other bride was a bitch

And they lived in a grand palace

And all went well, of course,

Until the suspected suicide

When one died during the divorce

But there has to be a sequel

And there has to be a prequel

And you have make things equal

So it starts and ends with twins.

-ends-

.

Hatch End Hill View. Comic poem 145 by Angela Lansbury.

Come to visit cleaned Hillview Road

And view our small, cute, quaint abode

Hillview, not new, hides in Hatch End

We hide old family and new friends

Our road leads to a bustling school

At busy times observe road rules

We ban bad parking

And dog poo and barking

In long, hot summers, roses bloom

Garages turn into sun rooms

Daily mail crowds through each letter box

Our night patrol is a bushy-tailed fox

Neighbours stroll past with silent dogs

Back garden pools breed fish and frogs

Squirrels dig, hide acorns they love

Proud magpies upstage owls, pigeons, doves

The strangest thing you'll every see

Mugs or poems (hang) on a/Philip's poem tree

In leaves above, green parakeets

Squawk, preen and paint my favourite streets

Fine fir trees frame distant hill view

Fill photos' foregrounds - we miss you.

-ends-

Practising The Past - comic poem number 144 by Angela Lansbury

If you're having trouble

Grammar muddles your head

Here's a rhyme about time

Just recall what I said 

When we walked and we talked

All of yesterday

I thought of a way

To put troubles away

Five minutes ago

He said show what you know

About he said and she said

Just go with the flow

He said that you said

That I said that he said

That they said that we said

He never said what she said

But she said that you said

That I said that he said

That they said what we said

She never said what he said

I think now we agree

That yesterday we said

What he said she said

And she said that he said

The question is what we said

Not what he said and she said

But now that he's dead

Who cares what she said!

Now that we agree

On what he said and she said

The past is the past

So I'm off to bed.

When I was a Child. Comic poem 143.

When I was a child

A toilet was a potty

and the world was full of people

who my mother said were dotty 

When I was a child

back in the day

You never looked back

beyond yesterday

When I was a child

I didn't have cares

I was not afraid of bears

And I didn't buy shares

I was only afraid of

Things inside my head

Shadows on the stairs

Spiders hide under the bed

When I was a child

You could walk in the wild

And a day was full of hours

And you could pick wild flowers

When I see a laughing baby

I wonder, maybe

One day, in quite a while

You'll remember now and smile.

-ends-

by Angela Lansury 2022  20 June

Genetically modified fruit and 'fruitcases'. Comic poem 142.

Fruit. Photo by Angela Lansbury. Copyright.

Fruit is genetically modified

Disease resistant, and more besides

I think that we can all agree

What others avoid, leaves more for me

For those who fret, or cry or sigh

It's my belief you will not die

But if you really want to know

The number eight will tell you so

To identify modified, you are are able

By reading the numbers on the label

Four digits means food's the same as before

Five digits organic, starts with eight - added more 

I wish they'd do the same to me

Make me the best that I can be

Taller, slim and young and wise

With high IQ and chameleon eyes.

-ends-

Written by Angela Lansbury Saturday 18 2022.

Comic poem on genetically modified fruit and how to identify it by Angela Lansbury 18 2022.

That's my photo of fruit. Really? Can I be sure? Can I prove it? Yes. 

My photos tend to have the warm colours of red, orange or pink somewhere, and lots of circles or curves. I have two of everything, hence the round woved placemat and the plastic placemat. My husband likes earth colours, neutral colours, but I like warmer colours, rainbow colours, so the pale brown neutral Denbyware china handled cutlery was his choice, but the blue Denbyware plate is from a couple of oddments in the same style which I bought later.

Those blue plates are Denbyware seconds in a discontinued line, same shape as the creamy brown Seville pattern. I bought the blue in a charity shop in the UK and you cannot find any more for love nor money. The brown handled cutlery is also Denbyware seconds, bought from our wedding list in 1976, again almost impossible to obtain. The plastic placemats with the oranges were bought from a shop in Singapore and I cannot find any more to match them. The chance of anybody having and mixing those two sets of discontinued Denbyware and the third odd item, the Singapore discontinued mat are near nil.

Pentameters For You. Comic poem 141

Greek flag. 

The Greek had a word for five

And poetry keeps this alive

 

 I am writing this in pentameters

To count beats of each line on my fingers

That enables me to write more quickly

Read aloud, rhyme and metre sound slickly.

-ends-

by Angela Lansbury May 20 2022.

Happy and Harrowing Harrow, Pinning Down Pinner, Ending with Hatch End. Comic poem 140.

I'm an author and live in Hillview Road 10 a

It's clean and green, I've a small abode 9 a

Tall trees lean, and arch, drop cones on the ground 10 b

Firs, flowers, bushes, busts, birds abound 10 b

Hidden away, back gardens, sure to please 10a

Hide gnarled apple, old pear, giant oak trees 10a

We grow six types of grapes, hoping for wine 10b

We might fill one bottle in ten year's time 10b

We've tame cats and dogs, a wild bush-tailed fox 10a

And an old-fashioned, domed, red letter post box 10a

Stooped friendly neighbours and neighbourhood watch  10b

Loud burglar alarms, high gates and strong locks 10b

I'll start my story with tales of Harrow 10a

Streets cobbled, then bricked, wind steep and narrow 10a

Historic and romantic after dark 10b

Drive up and find it's hard to double park  10b

Hillview Road once viewed Harrow on the hill 10 a

Now skyscrapers - please don't bear them ill will  10a

Neighbours in Harrow are nice as an ice 10b

Kids survived Covid-19, rats, head lice 10b

Pinner has Heath Robinson's museum 10a

His cartoons raise laughs, each time you see 'em 10a

Nelson's daughter sleeps in a nearby grave 10b

Near Tudor pubs whose names campaigners save10b

Walk up Pinner High street, historic, steep 10a (6a 4a)

Eat in Tudor pubs, drive round a few bends 10b

Along Uxbridge Road, flowers planted by friends 10b

And you'll reach Heaven, our litter-freed Hatch End 10b

Eat Chinese, or Jewish style served by Greeks 10a

Indian, Italian, dine out for weeks  10a

Twenty restaurants - when you've done with 'em 10b

At Grimsdyke hear Gilbert and Sullivan 10b

Mrs Beeton was our most famous cook 10a

She wrote a still-in-print cookery book 10a

A World War Two bomb blew her house away 10b

But a plaque clung on the wall yesterday 10b

We've twisted old trees, red clay soil, brown mud 10a 

High street photos show cars towed from a flood 10a

We've charity shops, collection boxes

Garden fences which don't block the foxes

My name's author Angela Lansbury 10a

I hope you'll recall this verse penned by me 10a

And dear Philip, who seems ordinary 10 b

Until he hangs poems on his front tree. 10b

-ends-

10 is the number of syllables. a and b are the rhymes

Written on Friday 20th May 2022 by Angela Lansbury at the request of Philip Barnet who has hung poems on the tree in Hillview Road, Hatch End, Pinner, Middlesex, England, UK, by the pavement (Americans say sidewalk) to entertain passers-by.

Happy or Unhappy Birthday? Comic Poem No. 139

Happy birthday, tut tut

I love the cake, but but

I'm supposed to be on  a diet

I'll have to eat it on the quiet

Birthdays have changed

Since Covid-19

You cannot blow the candles out

You don't know where the germs have been

Another birthday, boo hoo

I don't want to be older than you

Where has the year gone, I say

I'm a year older than yesterday

Another birthday, today it's yours

That's why I'm sending you applause

It's a piece of cake, a glass of wine

Another photo, I feel fine

Because it's not my birthday

Mine is far away

You can be sighing, nearer to dying

Glad it's not mine, it's yours today

Birthdays are best for children

On the scale between girls and boys

Lots of singing out of tune

Balloons, parcels and noise

Toddlers are easily amused

Every day new food is fun

It's great to have survived your first year

When you are only one

Let's have a smiley photo

One year nearer to walk

One year older, one year dearer

Nearer to thank you, love you, small talk

Happy birthday, happy birthday

Smile Smile Smile

Granny hasn't felt this good

For someone else's birthday, for a long, long while.

My Dear Reader (Comic Poem No.138 ) by Nutter (aka Angela Lansbury)

Every writer loves a poor spendthrift reader

Like naive followers love a rich, successful leader

Great thoughts when you let them out

First flap like wet washing, then butterfly about

Writers may start out befuddled

With lots of fine words jumbled, muddled

But keenly clean and iron them out

With thoughts of cute baby readers cuddled

Now we enjoy the internet, beat it, meet it

Which grabs thoughts like repeated ads you can't forget

Hope readers recall where they read it

So that they can give you credit

You can boast of love

Kick the air in a rage

Drop wild emotions

On an innocent page

Steal from a dictionary

Borrow from a thesaurus

Bow down before judges, 

All the geniuses before us

Ugly words obstruct like heavy logs

Half formed thoughts jump about like frogs

Indecision, like too many pretty hats

As the saying goes, like herding cats

But after years when we totter and rehearse

We can inject fast like a skilful nurse

Commas pause like little railway stations

Stops end lines, the terminus of punctuation

Shouting down the century

Daring to write on the page

Strutting on a hidden stage

Trying to dodge the waiting grave

To readers seeking what they lack

Like us, they try to answer back

Declaiming to the silent wall

When nobody can hear at all

And yet, like a map, a signpost, a guide, my writing works

Though the sender is dead, deaf or blind

Thoughts like an Uber arrow of dinner, dessert and drink

Leave my bow, reach the target, your mind.

I can pass on praise, create words of hope

For every ill, find an antidote

Paint a dance, sing a song, a merry whistle

Words can lighten, brighten and glitter like crystal.

And so, dearest reader, I share my treasure

And give to you new joy, in the old parcel of pleasure. 

-ends-

Your Box of Odd Socks (Comic poem 137)

 You're not alone in having odd socks

I, too, have a box of odd socks

I feel so sorry, they look so forlorn

I'm sure they were twins when they were born

But now I am wondering what to do

I've found a few which are nearly new

I know that I'll find the other, one day

After I throw this one away

Sometimes you've thrown the worn sock away

But kept the one which has seen better days

Sometimes one's under the washing machine

Or found inside shoes which needed a clean

There should be a swap box for odd sox online

So you could match your odd socks with mine

You've kept my odd sock from two years ago

Found under your sofa - now we know!

Alas some odd socks have lost their elastic

Some are stained, although made from plastic

Some are shapeless, covered in balls

I can clean them with tape, then they'll wipe down the walls.

Regarding odd socks, one joy I must share

Those who worry like me, those who really care

There's no greater delight, by day or by night

Than sorting odd socks and finding a pair.

I have good reason to not throw away

November 18th will be odd socks day.

-ends-

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Missing_sock

Sock clips

https://www.sockclip.com/

Buying Odd Socks

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Adult-Unisex-Socks-Value-Pairs

/comicpoemsbynutter.blogspot.com/

https://www.ebay.co.uk/sch/i.html?_from=R40&_trksid=p2322090.m570.l1313&_nkw=odd+socks&_sacat=0

Celebrating Poem Birthdays and Identity Numbers. (When and why? Poem 136)

I was sitting at my desk, feeling forlorn

When I wondered when my first fun poem was born

My rhyming dictionary tells me straight

Which one or two syllable words rhyme with date

rhyming dictionary, against apron with words, photo by Angela Lansbury. Copyright.

I started this blog in two thousand and four (11)

I didn't write much then, now I write much more (11)

I try to write bright poems every day

So I and my keen readers don't fade away

What's recently written looks best at first sight

But I'm counting to establish copyright

I want to proudly prove I was first to say

My gems flowed from the day before yesterday

I keenly count, syllables in every line

I make sure each poem shows some sort of rhyme

I insert a photo I take, or I find

I'm usually funny when I speak my mind!

I number each poem because titles change

I know you may think that a number looks strange

I keep life simple, poems listed like bricks 

Don't you love lucky poem, thirteen and six.

-ends-

Author's note

One and six evokes the days of pounds shillings and pence (abolished in 1971) when one shilling and sixpence would have been called one and six.

How To Write A Pretty Poem (Comic poem 135)

 

Angela Lansbury reciting poems at poetry night, organized by Alison Chisholm, Writers' Holiday, Fishguard, Wales, UK

How to write a pretty poem?

Very soon we're going to grow

But before you rush to write it

Here are top tips you need to know

Some folks think poems are just verse

Instead of commas, make a break

That's just staccato prose, or worse

Confusing cuts, a half-cooked cake

Poems start with a simple rule

People remember lines which rhyme

This is what I was taught at school

So now I use rhyme all the time

When you stand up, proud to recite

You want to smile and look around

At open mic, or a planned night

Not at your page, the sky, the ground

In the good old days, few could write

They could not read poems nor songs

A chorus repeats - you get it right

Those who recite or sing along

One more thing, alliteration

You repeat a strong first letter

Rhyme and a beat are good enough

Alliteration - even better

You need a beat so words will flow

Grab attention, get feet tapping

Like strong heart beats and nodding heads

So you end up hearing clapping.

-ends-

The Speaker's Confession (Comic poem 134)

A Speaker's Club's President wears many hats

Getting speakers to speak free's as hard as herding cats

'I'm working late, again,' they say, 'I really have to work, 

I know you are important, and - I do not mean to shirk ...'

If you go online you can see me everywhere

You'll be shocked that I'm prepared to speak - although I'm not prepared

If another speaker disappears, at first it seems a pain

But I get one more chance to speak, that's why it's me again!

-ends-

Angela Lansbury in orange wig with puppet. Selfie photo by Angela Lansbury.

This is your pilot speaking - again (Comic poem 133)

Boarding Announcement

Welcome, I'm your pilot speaking - again 

Expect thunder, lightning, snowstorms, and rain 

We're here to greet you with a friendly smile

Rules

Please - no praying, singing, dancing in the aisle.

Is this a real flight? They told me, rehearse 

Films show life stuck down mines could be worse  

We can't give free slippers, peanuts, nor wine

We sell unhealthy snacks. At midnight, land and dine 

Don't queue for toilets; the seats don't recline

Sit like masked robots; We'll get home on time

I'm sorry to say cheap seats don't have free socks 

But I'm glad to say the pilot's door locks

Safety

You'll be restrained, if you cause trouble, 

If anybody threatens you, run at the double

I'm looking at my checklist, what have I forgot? 

I'm practising speeches, the plane's on autopilot

On the runway, see, there's a herd of goats

We're blocked by some kind of demonstration

Fasten your seatbelt, I'll fly above them

They're for, or against, some other nation

And before this long-haul flight begins

Good luck to that pair I see trying for twins

Do what you are told, no ifs or buts

The only nuts are religious nuts

In flight so many depend on so few

Rugby team, security's all on you

Forget the pilot, we're in God's hand

Are you saints or sinners? We know if we land

You're lucky if you're by an empty seat

On planes you never know who you'll meet

When you want to chat and they want to sleep

When you're vegan and they're eating meat

Crew

I promise I'll try to get things right

Clap for the pilot. we're on his first flight

You'll be glad oxygen keeps you alive

I'm scared like you whether we'll all survive

In-Flight Announcements

My co-pilot has gone for a short rest

To comfort a stewardess in distress

You're with friends, drinking and laughing out loud

While I sit alone, and talk to the clouds

Just think about it and then you will see

There's hundreds of you but just one of me!

Ooh - aah oo  aah

Aside

Oops, dear me, Lordy, what on earth's gone wrong?

I watched porn - and left the microphone on.

Emergency Announcement

I'm ever so sorry, we have to turn back

I just found out there's something we lack

My co-pilot hasn't completed his training

Look on the bright side, it isn't raining.

While we look for a co-pilot you'll have to wait

You will start your holiday three hours late

Look on the bright side, we're all still alive

Some days the good news is we have survived. 

-ends

The last two verses were added 5 May 2022 after I read the news item about the Virgin Flight which had to return, according to the Daily Mail.

Useful websites

https://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-10784111/Virgin-jet-forced-return-Heathrow-officer-not-completed-training.html?ns_mchannel=rss&ico=taboola_feed_article&ns_mchannel=rss&ico=taboola_feed

2022 April 20

https://www.independent.co.uk/travel/news-and-advice/christians-easyjet-flight-sing-guitar-b2061382.html

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What is an iambic pentameter? (Comic Poem number 132)

 

A pentameter is five pairs, five pairs

Just like a dining table with ten chairs

Five children have five pairs of hands, and feet

Five pairs of diners, so ten meet to eat

I am sure you want to know the truth, trust me

I was asked by a friend this week, at last

I've penned up all my knowledge from the past

But now I'm sure my time has come to speak

I'm sure you know duo / duet means two

You know bicycles have two wheels, not more

A tricycle has three wheels, triads - three

And triplets ride trikes with three wheels, yes three

Quadrangle have four angles at four points

Quadruplets have four times the food and fun

The Pentagon has five sides, we're quite near

A pentameter, five metres - we're done.

A human foot has ten toes, so a foot

In poetry or drama, is a verse

Used by the king, villain or chief or boss

The royals speak with rhythm sounding grand

In Shakespeare you can hear the strong heartbeat

'I am the king who rules the wilful waves

I stand, declaim, and claim, this throne, my seat

Behead the wives, beat slaves and kill the knaves

A hero, or anti hero has visions

To be or not to be has a strong beat

Count your beats, like Hamlet, make decisions

Two lots of four or five, your line's complete. 

It's sort of, not quite, no, that can't be right

Poetic feet have two syllables so a pentameter has ten

A meter's just a measure, rhythm, tight -

Maths wasn't my strong point, let's start again

Trochees stamp on first beats, iambic - two

Trochees have a marching sound, dum dee dum

Iambic sounds more like a flowing sea

Iambic flows on, like waves, leaves on trees.

Pentameter have ten beats in five pairs

Iambic like 'I am', stamps on beat two

The emphasis on second syllable 

Just count beats, it's easy for you to do:

You can if you wish use the useful bold

I dare say you could also under line

Or try Italics if that system helps you

I keep on changing systems all the time

The pentagon has five sides I recall

Ten syllables is easier than eight

Short lines to cut can drive you up the wall

For poems, long pentameters are great.

Unstressed, then stressed, unstressed then stressed

Iambic, oh no, oh woe is me. I feel undressed

Unstressed, then stressed, unstressed, then stressed

I was stuck, but now, I am happy, I am impressed.

-ends-

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You can also write songs in six beats and four to make ten syllables per line, as in the Bee Gees' song, First Of May.