The Immortal Spider. Comic Poem number 147 by Angela Lansbury

The Immortal Spider - comic poem by Angela Lansbury

Subtitle: The immortal spider, on parole, gets the last laugh on spider police person

 Last night I woke up with a dreadful fright

I heard a little noise moving on the left - or right

I thought a ghost - or  burglar - had touched my shoe

Then suddenly my bladder told me what to do

I rushed to the bathroom, tripped on shoes in a rush

But felt much better when I heard the toilet flush

Then I saw a large black spider, hiding in the white bath

But you hear this from far away, so you can simply laugh

It's not that I'm a spider lover, we're not friends

But to throw it out the window seems a kinder end

I grabbed a mug to catch it, chased it round - and round again

I had no choice, sorry, I had to flush it down the drain.

I took a shower with one leg in the bath, one out

Ready to retreat if the plug's strength was in doubt

But, by the time the day's over, I no longer care

Wrong. There's danger - every day - and everywhere

Tonight that damned spider's back, 

Peeping round the washbasin tap

Is that the same spider? Or its close cousin or wife?

Did I give it a second chance when I saved its life?

Are the bath and basin connected by a pipe?

If so, washing it away is just a load of hype

I know I shouldn't say it, but to me all spiders look the same

We weren't that close, I didn't see its face or get its name 

This is not the time, to waste, on philosophy

The issue is quite simple, it's either it or me!

The spider's big, too big, trapped in a basin which is small

Catching it inside a toothmug wasn't hard at all

The bathroom window's opened,

 I quickly throw it out

No - It's climbing up the windowsill ...!

I'm ready to kill it - if only looks could kill

I quickly slam the window shut -

Hurray, hurray - it's out!

Do I need to wash the toothmug?

Why is there any doubt?

The job is done, and I have won

I've cleaned the bath and bathroom -

And I've just saved a life!

I'm the world's most perfect mother, wife and housewife!

Today I'm proud to say there's no spider in my bath

But you are far from my help, so I can laugh

I know you'll phone me, panicking, and ask me what to do

If my - living - spider takes a walkabout, and decides to visit - you!

-ends-

Copyright July 7th 2022.

Yes, both incidents true, in 24 hours. I cannot take credit for the plot, simply for the way of telling the story.

Spider emoji by Google.