The Dreadful Things Which People Do. Comical poem 871 by Angela Lansbury.

Broken Black Umbrella. Photo by Angela Lansbury. Copyright. 

The dreadful things which people do

Of course, I don't mean me, nor you

They tear their clothes, and cut their hair

Rich folk complain - nothing to wear

Toddlers who break towers of bricks

People who need their spelling fixed

People who live in tower blocks

Admit they chucked out my odd socks

People with names I can't pronounce

People who dance but cannot dance

People who run after one glance

People who speak German in France

People who don't want my advice

People who charge for one drink twice

They cross roads, talking on the phone

Scammers who won't leave me alone

People on trains who sing and shout

Use brollies which the faithful doubt

Free gifts, with conditions, not free

I wonder what they think of me?

-ends-

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Student Teaches Student Teacher - black comic poem 185 by Angela Lansbury

😊

Years ago I was a student teacher

In a London East End girl's grammar school

My job was teaching them basic grammar

Spelling, writing and fun poetry rules

Each day's challenge caused me stress

Each day's lesson plan a mess

What subject could I get them to write on

Something they knew, which wouldn't take long?

 

All my schoolday's thoughts were wrong

Teachers worry all the night

Pupils have an easy time

The subject set, all you do is write

Into the lesson, what to do?

Truly I didn't have a clue

But this is one thing that I knew

Everyone thinks I'd rather be you

I saw blank and worried faces

How I wished we could change places

Teaching, responsibility

I bet that they all envied me

 

Family - they might not have a sister

Family - they might not have a brother

So I set an easy task which all could do

Write us a short poem on, 'My mother'

Most of them found this subject easy

Sample rhymes, they smiled, it was exciting

Twenty-nine out of thirty happy girls

Busily started muttering, writing

But one girl in the back, statue-stiff sat

Her face blank, motionless, just a slight frown

She ignored her sheet of lined white paper

No title, no word had been written down?

!

I raced back to ask my supervisor

'She won't write at all, what ought I to do?'

🔇

The English head said, 'Leave her alone, dear,

In the break, I'll explain it all to you.'

But in the break, the teacher was busy

Looking back, I wish I'd left her alone

I insisted, 'Please - you must tell me why!'

Frankly, friends, I'd much rather not have known

'Last night that teenage girl went to her home

In the hall the mother was lying dead

We're sure the no good lover had stabbed her

The girl put her little brother to bed

'In the morning she dressed him for his school

She walked him to his school, which was quite near

She came and asked to see the headmistress

But couldn't find the words to speak when here

She gave us the doorkey, we went to see

No answer, knock, enter, what happened was clear

She and her brother will stay at their schools

We hope that she'll finish her final year

'We have a social worker on the case

She'll spend the day finding them a new home

But, as for writing about mother

Until she's ready, best - leave her alone ...'

The bell rang, I was off to my next class

Why do I still think about time long past

You have to wait until you reach the stage 

When images make words flow to the page

Maybe, reader (listener,) I shouldn't upset you

With this memory dredged from my far past

Yet, it still troubles me, I must over write

Hide thoughts which otherwise linger and last

***

Why should we upset readers or list'ners

About a sad story of a stranger

There's no point in us being serious

Unless we are warning of real danger

Comic poetry's flippant and silly 

The lesson is happy, the lesson is clear

Humour pushes sad thoughts away

I want you to be happy, my dear

My name's easy, Angela Lansbury

I do hope that you'll kindly remember me

I like attention, but being happy

So, mostly I write comic poetry

It's not serious, and it's not all sad

It should make you laugh, end up feeling glad

So that after a drumming while

We all see lots of dancing, swaying smiles

I want you, my new friends, to be happy

And smile whenever you think about me

That's why I strive all day, and half the night

To read and write, light, comic poetry.

-ends-

Copyright 2023 April Friday 14th

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Helpful Hint

What if you don't have a spellchecker and grammar checker in a blog, but you do have one in another medium, such as Powerpoint or Word? You compose your text in the place with the spell checker and grammar checker. Correct your draft. Then copy the corrected text into its final location.

If you want to read your poetry on Zoom or perform it live, put the poems onto slides which can be projected. That helps people who cannot speak English as a first language. The backup of written text is also useful if there are problems with projection such as the microphone or Zoom.

What's more it is professional. And entertaining, if you can illustrate with comical illustrations, or pretty borders. Or even animation.

My favourite type - mocrophone

As Busy As A Bee, Boasting of My Magical Book On Alliteration At Riotous Writers Summer School, poem 154

version 1

I'm sure you and beautiful Bea would like to be as busy as a bee

I've seen a lot of busy bees, but few as busy as marvellous me

 

I'm not busy like a has been, I don't dwell on what I might have been

I'm tutting, clearing up the typo mess I made, so silly spelling errors won't be seen

I'm angelic Angela, amazing and amusing 

I like planes and boats and trains, no camping, yes cruising

I like any kind of meeting which includes a lot of eating

I like chauffeurs and cooks, and those who buy my books!

I like to diet, because I don't want to die

From overeating at a meeting

Or dinner, when I try

Not to eat seconds every mealtime, every day

Instead a doggie bag, for a bitch's brilliant take away

I wrote Improve your English

I do not approve of Singlish

I used to be easy-going and obese

Now I'm thin as a thong, and I work, very long, 

As a volunteer, with grammar police

My book contains alliteration, 8

Plus assonance and rhyme 6

I'll teach you alliteration, 

Give me just five minutes of your precious, ticking time

I shall speak of dashing Dennis, 

And barmy, brainy Bill

Darling Denise who pays the club's food and drinks bill

Helped by our cook, generous, Gill

I shall go on and on about Johnson And Johnson and John

Add add Peter the painter to the metre

And because it's already after dark

I won't meet mysterious Marc in the park

I've joined generous Gerald and Jewish Julian

Pushed poor Pauline towards pretty Penny

Added Aunt Anita and cute Carolyn

And jubilant Julie and genuine Jenny

I've met most of the host of awesome authors

And heard lots of ingenious plots 

If I share alliteration with you,

We're both bound to make money, lots and lots.

If you have any questions

I'd be glad if you don't ask

Just buy and read my book

You'll absorb all, from that quick and simple task.

Goodbye. Goodbye to Gregory. My book's a very good buy

Buy it and you'll be as busy as a bee and start talking and twittering on just like me

Alliteration is a habit, once you try

Just read it, you need it - a great, good buy, a great goodbye.

Version 2 (Syllable count at end of each line)

Be like me, busy as a bee 8

No-one's busy like me

I'm not busy like a has been,

Shrug - what I might have been

I'm clearing the typo mess made, 

Spelling errors unseen

I'm your angelic Angela

Amazing, amusing

I like big planes, small boats, long  

Hate camping, love cruising

I love any kind of meeting

Which has  lots of eating

 I like chauffeurs, chefs and good  cooks

And those who buy my books

My new book's Improve Your English

I don't mention  Singlish

Once easy-going - and obese

Now I'm thin as a thong

As a volunteer I work long

With the  Grammar Police

My book contains alliteration, 8

Plus assonance and rhyme 6

I'll teach you alliteration, 

Give me five minutes time

I shall speak of dashing Dennis, 

And barmy, brainy Bill

Denise pays the club's food and drinks bill

Helped by our cook, generous, Gill

They'll go on and on, Johnson John

I see David but it's dark

Peter the Painter, add metre

Don't meet Marc in the park

I've joined Gerald and Julian

Pushed Pauline to Penny

Add Anita and Carolyn

Jolly Julie and Jenny

I've met hosts of awesome authors

Hear lots of clever plots

I'll share my rhyming tricks with you

Write songs, make money -lots!

If you've any burning questions

Keep silent, please don't ask

Just buy and find all in my book

Quizzes teach - easy task

Goodbye, my dear, it's a good buy

You'll talk in rhyme like me

Alliterations' a habit

Need it? Read it! Goodbye.

-ends-

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