Celebrating Poem Birthdays and Identity Numbers. (When and why? Poem 136)

I was sitting at my desk, feeling forlorn

When I wondered when my first fun poem was born

My rhyming dictionary tells me straight

Which one or two syllable words rhyme with date

rhyming dictionary, against apron with words, photo by Angela Lansbury. Copyright.

I started this blog in two thousand and four (11)

I didn't write much then, now I write much more (11)

I try to write bright poems every day

So I and my keen readers don't fade away

What's recently written looks best at first sight

But I'm counting to establish copyright

I want to proudly prove I was first to say

My gems flowed from the day before yesterday

I keenly count, syllables in every line

I make sure each poem shows some sort of rhyme

I insert a photo I take, or I find

I'm usually funny when I speak my mind!

I number each poem because titles change

I know you may think that a number looks strange

I keep life simple, poems listed like bricks 

Don't you love lucky poem, thirteen and six.

-ends-

Author's note

One and six evokes the days of pounds shillings and pence (abolished in 1971) when one shilling and sixpence would have been called one and six.

How To Write A Pretty Poem (Comic poem 135)

 

Angela Lansbury reciting poems at poetry night, organized by Alison Chisholm, Writers' Holiday, Fishguard, Wales, UK

How to write a pretty poem?

Very soon we're going to grow

But before you rush to write it

Here are top tips you need to know

Some folks think poems are just verse

Instead of commas, make a break

That's just staccato prose, or worse

Confusing cuts, a half-cooked cake

Poems start with a simple rule

People remember lines which rhyme

This is what I was taught at school

So now I use rhyme all the time

When you stand up, proud to recite

You want to smile and look around

At open mic, or a planned night

Not at your page, the sky, the ground

In the good old days, few could write

They could not read poems nor songs

A chorus repeats - you get it right

Those who recite or sing along

One more thing, alliteration

You repeat a strong first letter

Rhyme and a beat are good enough

Alliteration - even better

You need a beat so words will flow

Grab attention, get feet tapping

Like strong heart beats and nodding heads

So you end up hearing clapping.

-ends-

The Speaker's Confession (Comic poem 134)

A Speaker's Club's President wears many hats

Getting speakers to speak free's as hard as herding cats

'I'm working late, again,' they say, 'I really have to work, 

I know you are important, and - I do not mean to shirk ...'

If you go online you can see me everywhere

You'll be shocked that I'm prepared to speak - although I'm not prepared

If another speaker disappears, at first it seems a pain

But I get one more chance to speak, that's why it's me again!

-ends-

Angela Lansbury in orange wig with puppet. Selfie photo by Angela Lansbury.

This is your pilot speaking - again (Comic poem 133)

Boarding Announcement

Welcome, I'm your pilot speaking - again 

Expect thunder, lightning, snowstorms, and rain 

We're here to greet you with a friendly smile

Rules

Please - no praying, singing, dancing in the aisle.

Is this a real flight? They told me, rehearse 

Films show life stuck down mines could be worse  

We can't give free slippers, peanuts, nor wine

We sell unhealthy snacks. At midnight, land and dine 

Don't queue for toilets; the seats don't recline

Sit like masked robots; We'll get home on time

I'm sorry to say cheap seats don't have free socks 

But I'm glad to say the pilot's door locks

Safety

You'll be restrained, if you cause trouble, 

If anybody threatens you, run at the double

I'm looking at my checklist, what have I forgot? 

I'm practising speeches, the plane's on autopilot

On the runway, see, there's a herd of goats

We're blocked by some kind of demonstration

Fasten your seatbelt, I'll fly above them

They're for, or against, some other nation

And before this long-haul flight begins

Good luck to that pair I see trying for twins

Do what you are told, no ifs or buts

The only nuts are religious nuts

In flight so many depend on so few

Rugby team, security's all on you

Forget the pilot, we're in God's hand

Are you saints or sinners? We know if we land

You're lucky if you're by an empty seat

On planes you never know who you'll meet

When you want to chat and they want to sleep

When you're vegan and they're eating meat

Crew

I promise I'll try to get things right

Clap for the pilot. we're on his first flight

You'll be glad oxygen keeps you alive

I'm scared like you whether we'll all survive

In-Flight Announcements

My co-pilot has gone for a short rest

To comfort a stewardess in distress

You're with friends, drinking and laughing out loud

While I sit alone, and talk to the clouds

Just think about it and then you will see

There's hundreds of you but just one of me!

Ooh - aah oo  aah

Aside

Oops, dear me, Lordy, what on earth's gone wrong?

I watched porn - and left the microphone on.

Emergency Announcement

I'm ever so sorry, we have to turn back

I just found out there's something we lack

My co-pilot hasn't completed his training

Look on the bright side, it isn't raining.

While we look for a co-pilot you'll have to wait

You will start your holiday three hours late

Look on the bright side, we're all still alive

Some days the good news is we have survived. 

-ends

The last two verses were added 5 May 2022 after I read the news item about the Virgin Flight which had to return, according to the Daily Mail.

Useful websites

https://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-10784111/Virgin-jet-forced-return-Heathrow-officer-not-completed-training.html?ns_mchannel=rss&ico=taboola_feed_article&ns_mchannel=rss&ico=taboola_feed

2022 April 20

https://www.independent.co.uk/travel/news-and-advice/christians-easyjet-flight-sing-guitar-b2061382.html

Please share links to your favourite posts.

What is an iambic pentameter? (Comic Poem number 132)

 

A pentameter is five pairs, five pairs

Just like a dining table with ten chairs

Five children have five pairs of hands, and feet

Five pairs of diners, so ten meet to eat

I am sure you want to know the truth, trust me

I was asked by a friend this week, at last

I've penned up all my knowledge from the past

But now I'm sure my time has come to speak

I'm sure you know duo / duet means two

You know bicycles have two wheels, not more

A tricycle has three wheels, triads - three

And triplets ride trikes with three wheels, yes three

Quadrangle have four angles at four points

Quadruplets have four times the food and fun

The Pentagon has five sides, we're quite near

A pentameter, five metres - we're done.

A human foot has ten toes, so a foot

In poetry or drama, is a verse

Used by the king, villain or chief or boss

The royals speak with rhythm sounding grand

In Shakespeare you can hear the strong heartbeat

'I am the king who rules the wilful waves

I stand, declaim, and claim, this throne, my seat

Behead the wives, beat slaves and kill the knaves

A hero, or anti hero has visions

To be or not to be has a strong beat

Count your beats, like Hamlet, make decisions

Two lots of four or five, your line's complete. 

It's sort of, not quite, no, that can't be right

Poetic feet have two syllables so a pentameter has ten

A meter's just a measure, rhythm, tight -

Maths wasn't my strong point, let's start again

Trochees stamp on first beats, iambic - two

Trochees have a marching sound, dum dee dum

Iambic sounds more like a flowing sea

Iambic flows on, like waves, leaves on trees.

Pentameter have ten beats in five pairs

Iambic like 'I am', stamps on beat two

The emphasis on second syllable 

Just count beats, it's easy for you to do:

You can if you wish use the useful bold

I dare say you could also under line

Or try Italics if that system helps you

I keep on changing systems all the time

The pentagon has five sides I recall

Ten syllables is easier than eight

Short lines to cut can drive you up the wall

For poems, long pentameters are great.

Unstressed, then stressed, unstressed then stressed

Iambic, oh no, oh woe is me. I feel undressed

Unstressed, then stressed, unstressed, then stressed

I was stuck, but now, I am happy, I am impressed.

-ends-

Please share links to your favourite posts.

You can also write songs in six beats and four to make ten syllables per line, as in the Bee Gees' song, First Of May.

The Food Which Isn't What It Says (Comic poem 131)

Two uncles who belonged to me

Were vegetarian with a small v

They argued and that puzzled me

What's Vegan? Spelled with a capital V!

They disagreed on what to eat

Though both agreed in horror seeing meat

Ron wouldn't have fish near his dish

Milk, yogurt, eggs, cheese - made Mo leave his seat

But soon I came to understand

That leather chairs and eating meat's been banned

They didn't just like food which was bland

My mum's funeral tea should've been planned

Ron didn't care about his health 

Research said less meat, more fruit's good for minds

Poor people's food - now organic means wealth

That's true. No-one knew! But it grew by stealth

In wartime we ate dreadful Spam

Fresh chicken for the rich, plebs ate sliced ham

Meat sausages were a half bread scam

Now we're confused by turkey ham

At Easter time our diet begs

Don't feast on chocolate easter eggs

And worst of all, the dreadful habit

Of making children eat a chocolate rabbit

Cucumber sandwiches pleased aunts

Now menu writers must dance in a trance

First cows and pigs were replaced by cooked ants

Now menus offer 'meat' made from strange plants

We're invited out to a restaurant that's Indian

The biriani tastes of chicken

The menu describes what we eat as 'meat'

But it's tofu and plants, all vegetarian.

-ends-

Useful Websites

Vegetarian Products to buy, mock fish, mock meat, mock cheese

https://vbites.com/collections/all-products

Vegetarian Restaurant with mock meat menu

https://komalavilas.com.sg/

Written after eating at Kamala Vila, vegetarian restaurant at Little India, Singapore.

In memory of Uncle Ronnie, mother's brother, who was vegetarian, and Uncle Monty, who was vegan.

Angela Lansbury's late Uncle Ronald. Worked in the BBC radio orchestra. Also known as Arthur Gerard, musician and entertainer: - Performed at Hatfield House medieval banquets (as a strolling musician?). Appeared in pantomime. Was the conductor in a video with The Kinks. Colour-blind, sensitive, suicidal vegetarian.

Vegetable picture from istock. Also see Pixabay for free photos.

Play With Puppy Dogs (Comic Poem 130)

Buy a puppy

it won't fail

to greet you with

a wagging tail

Every day

Start with a walk

A one to one

Private talk

You can be sure

it listens well

Your secrets it

Will never tell

Don't lose it

Fit it with a bell

And a collar with 

Your name as well

And to make sure

That it trots home

A dog bed, water

And a bone

Its nose sniffs down 

Along the ground

Its big ears hear

The smallest sound

You never need

Be bored at all

Play catch and fetch

A doggie ball

And when it passes

You'll be fine

They breed lots more

To the same design.

-ends-

A Great Gram of Grammar From Grandma (Comic Poem no 129)

 In future I think I should teach the past 

Put rules in poems, so that they will last 

Better than rules are words you can copy

You say what I say; we'll both be happy. 

Do you see now what I saw yesterday?

Are you paying? Did you pay yesterday? 

We paid yesterday. We played yesterday. 

We practise what we've learned early each day.

D'you hear what I say? You heard what I said? 

Grandma's a widow. 'cause Grandpa was dead.

I wired up the lights. They hired and fired me.

I'm tired. He's tired. We're all tired - go to bed. 

I'm speaking. I speak. Yesterday I spoke. 10

I'm writing. I write. Yesterday I wrote. 10

I'm a teacher. I teach. Yesterday I taught. 11

I'm fishing. I like fishing. Look what I've caught! 11

I'm running. I run. Yesterday I ran. 

I'm winning. I win. Yesterday I won. 

I'm swimming. I swim. Yesterday I swam. 

I'm doing homework. Yesterday's task's done.

I hope you are listening. What have you learned? 

I hear the phone ringing. Tell me - who's phoned? 

I'll watch the toast. Yesterday it was burned. 

You keep watching it. Make sure it gets turned. 

You're spending my money. I've done the sums. 

We are out of cash. Let's hope something good comes.

What have you bought for me? What have you brought for tea? 

What shall I take bring? Please don't say anything.

Banks like to lend. The poor like to borrow. 

We love to spend. Don't think of tomorrow.

A library lends. Readers borrow books.

I hope this is cooked. We rely on cooks.

They're hearing. They hear. Yesterday they heard. 

D'you see what I mean? D'you get what I said? 

Did you read what I wrote? What have I read! 

They've all gone home. Was it something I said? 

Everybody knows where everyone goes. 

Does anyone know me? Who can show me?

Interesting books. I'm interested. 

I hope the grammar will stay in my head. 

Fight the good fight. Let's go. Turn off the light.

I was fraught, when I taught. It came to nought. 

He's a good speaker, gives lots of speeches. 

She told us a lot, knows what she teaches. 

Many and few are for things we can count 

How much, more or less, measures large amounts. 

I hope you've had fun. Now I have to run.

That's all. We've finished. She says we are done. 

-ends-

Humorous Poets, Songwriters and Singers (alphabetical list) + Ode to Invisible Poems (Comic Poem no 128)

A song is a poem set to music for a voice using tones and rhythm as well as pauses.

Ayres, Pam

'I'd have taken more care of me teeth'

Lansbury, Angela

Ode To Invisible Poems

Guess - what would your writer really like to be? 11

Known for last words, a famous comic poet 11

Alas, jokes aren't allowed engraved on gravestones 11

So nobody sad could read it nor know it 11

So I'll hurry to write couplets on cloud nine 11

And hope a hurricane will swiftly blow it 11

So it travels like ballons around the world 11

When workshy, look from your window and know it 11

I'd like to write it quickly, flowing and quick 11

So the dumbest can read it, when sick, or thick 11

Ideas to copy, images to pick 11

Let's kick phrases about, like a Lego brick 11

When you're blue, in the pink, look up to white clouds 11

Be inspired when you're thinking of busy me 11

The dreamer who wrote invisible poems 11

Sardonic, comic, bucolic poetry.11

(I wrote this on Wednesday 13th April, 2022.)

Carrol, Lewis

'Say what you mean and mean what you say.'

Holloway, Stanley, reciting Albert and the Lion

'What do you usually pay?'

Lear, Edward

• There was an Old Man with a beard,
  Who said, "It is just as I feared!—
  Two Owls and a Hen,
  Four Larks and a Wren,
  Have all built their nests in my beard!"
  • Book of Nonsense, Limerick 1 (1846).

Lehrer, Tom

'The Catholics hate the Protestants, and Protestants hate the catholics, and everybody hates the Jews'.

McGonagal, William 

The Tay Bridge disaster

Milligan, Spike 

Gravestone message: I told them I was ill. 

Responding to WW2 question from Harry Secombe, 'Have you seen a cannon?': 

Spike: 'What colour?'

Nash, Ogden

Candy is dandy but liquor is quicker.

Shel Silverstein 

(Wrote the song A Boy Named Sue)

Sherman, Allan 

(Hello, mother, hello father, here I am at Camp Granada)

Useful Websites

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Category:Humorous_poets 

http://www.shelsilversteinpoems.net/

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Marriott_Edgar

Stanley Holloway reciting Albert and the Lion

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oaw-savyK0s

https://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Tom_Lehrer

https://interestingliterature.com/2017/05/10-of-the-best-poems-about-insects/

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ogden_Nash

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Category:Humorous_poets

What Makes A Poem Funny? + Laughing (Comic Poem No 127)

 

Poems are written in several funny styles.

Absurd

The subject can be funny.

 It might be an everyday object glorified in a poem. 

A villain treated as a hero. 

An absurd situation. 

A twist ending. 

An exaggeration.

Limericks

• There was an Old Man with a beard,
  Who said, "It is just as I feared!—
  Two Owls and a Hen,
  Four Larks and a Wren,
  Have all built their nests in my beard!"
  • Book of Nonsense, Limerick 1 (1846).

Puns

Misunderstanding

Exaggerated fear

Exaggerated reaction to fear

Conflict

One-upmanship of a lowly person

Exaggerated emotion: anger, fear, hope, love

Exaggerated behaviour

Mocking danger

Inappropriate song (Save the last dance for me on the Titanic)

-ends-

Photo Laughter by David Shankbone from wikipedia

Laughing (Comic Poem by Angela Lansbury)

Some people prefer one on one

If they like to tickle

You can race around an audience

But audiences are fickle

You can make them laugh

With just a wink

If they've all had

Too much to drink

I could make them laugh en masse

If I gave them laughing gas

Don't confuse them with long facts

Just make them laugh and they'll relax.

How I count syllables + Can I Count You? (Comic poem 126)

 

If she likes a big banana 8

She will quickly gulp it down 7

But if a new food disgusts her 8

She shows - throws it on the ground 7

When she chucks her milk bottle down 8

It's always a loud surprise 7

But my quick jumping up and down 8

Is good granny exercise 7

I always trust fate has a plan 8

So it's my fervent belief 7

Each day, each cry's a vital step 8

Signalling soon we'll see teeth 7

-ends-

I needed to know the maximum length at the start. It was eight syllables. No good having verses of nine and trying to crush them all into eight. If so you stay at nine or go up to ten. But if there's just one which is nine, and you can cut it, you settle on eight.

The last syllable which rhymes usually stays the same. However, I go through all the alternatives alphabetically. I might get a double rhyme (a rhyme half way along the line). 

Then you look at the other set of rhyming lines which alternate.

I started with several of the second and fourth lines being either six or eight syllables. I looked for alternative words to add or cut.

If I were doing a draft poem on a piece of paper I would write in the syllable count, sometimes in pencil so that it can be rubbed out.

I leave all the numbers in until I get to the end of the poem. That way, if I go off in the middle to make coffee, or answer the door or a phone, I don't have to recount to find where I was.

Useful Websites

Long article:

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Metre_(poetry)

Short article, hardly more than a definition:

https://simple.wikipedia.org/wiki/Meter_(poetry)#:~:text=Fundamentals,of%20stressed%20and%20unstressed%20syllables.

Can I Count On You?

by Angela Lansbury

I count on my friends

I count enemies and strangers

I count what I'm thankful for

Requests, wedding lists and dangers

I count all the syllables, 

I make sure I am in range

I count how much I have to spend

I check my bills. I count my my change.

I never count my changes. I do no count my drafts.

I count ribbons and successes

Some researchers counted laughs

I was one line short - never mind

I count the days to the weekend, I count speakers, 

I count on doing something like meeters and greeters

I count on you not to notice

This is not iambic pentameters.

Baby Teeth - Baby Food For Thought (Comic Poem 125)

I learned about food and first teeth 

From watching a small baby 

Although she doesn't yet possess 

A food vocabulary 

When she likes a favourite food 

She reaches out, keen for more 

Then when she's eaten quite enough 

She falls asleep - on the floor 

If she likes a big banana 

She will quickly gulp it down 

But if a new food disgusts her 

She shows - throws it on the ground 

When she chucks her milk bottle down 

It's always a loud surprise 

But my quick jumping up and down 

Is good granny exercise 

I always trust fate has a plan 

So it's my fervent belief 

Each day, each cry's a vital step 

Signalling soon we'll see teeth 

One day she'll grow her second teeth 

On her big day, I'm in line 

Old teeth will be treasured by me 

By that time I'll have lost mine! 

This granny will be tooth fairy 

Those teeth I buy won't be sold 

We should collect and keep first teeth 

For second smilehood when we're old. 

-ends-

Inspired by grand-child Ava who has two teeth and likes bananas.

Second smile hood is a pun on second childhood. I was thinking of toothless but thought smile was a more positive word.

Images

Baby teeth

Tooth fairy

dentures

Useful Websites

https://www.google.com/search?q=image+free+caricature+milk+teeth+tooth+fairy