This is your pilot speaking - again (Comic poem 133)

Boarding Announcement

Welcome, I'm your pilot speaking - again 

Expect thunder, lightning, snowstorms, and rain 

We're here to greet you with a friendly smile

Rules

Please - no praying, singing, dancing in the aisle.

Is this a real flight? They told me, rehearse 

Films show life stuck down mines could be worse  

We can't give free slippers, peanuts, nor wine

We sell unhealthy snacks. At midnight, land and dine 

Don't queue for toilets; the seats don't recline

Sit like masked robots; We'll get home on time

I'm sorry to say cheap seats don't have free socks 

But I'm glad to say the pilot's door locks

Safety

You'll be restrained, if you cause trouble, 

If anybody threatens you, run at the double

I'm looking at my checklist, what have I forgot? 

I'm practising speeches, the plane's on autopilot

On the runway, see, there's a herd of goats

We're blocked by some kind of demonstration

Fasten your seatbelt, I'll fly above them

They're for, or against, some other nation

And before this long-haul flight begins

Good luck to that pair I see trying for twins

Do what you are told, no ifs or buts

The only nuts are religious nuts

In flight so many depend on so few

Rugby team, security's all on you

Forget the pilot, we're in God's hand

Are you saints or sinners? We know if we land

You're lucky if you're by an empty seat

On planes you never know who you'll meet

When you want to chat and they want to sleep

When you're vegan and they're eating meat

Crew

I promise I'll try to get things right

Clap for the pilot. we're on his first flight

You'll be glad oxygen keeps you alive

I'm scared like you whether we'll all survive

In-Flight Announcements

My co-pilot has gone for a short rest

To comfort a stewardess in distress

You're with friends, drinking and laughing out loud

While I sit alone, and talk to the clouds

Just think about it and then you will see

There's hundreds of you but just one of me!

Ooh - aah oo  aah

Aside

Oops, dear me, Lordy, what on earth's gone wrong?

I watched porn - and left the microphone on.

Emergency Announcement

I'm ever so sorry, we have to turn back

I just found out there's something we lack

My co-pilot hasn't completed his training

Look on the bright side, it isn't raining.

While we look for a co-pilot you'll have to wait

You will start your holiday three hours late

Look on the bright side, we're all still alive

Some days the good news is we have survived. 

-ends

The last two verses were added 5 May 2022 after I read the news item about the Virgin Flight which had to return, according to the Daily Mail.

Useful websites

https://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-10784111/Virgin-jet-forced-return-Heathrow-officer-not-completed-training.html?ns_mchannel=rss&ico=taboola_feed_article&ns_mchannel=rss&ico=taboola_feed

2022 April 20

https://www.independent.co.uk/travel/news-and-advice/christians-easyjet-flight-sing-guitar-b2061382.html

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The Food Which Isn't What It Says (Comic poem 131)

Two uncles who belonged to me

Were vegetarian with a small v

They argued and that puzzled me

What's Vegan? Spelled with a capital V!

They disagreed on what to eat

Though both agreed in horror seeing meat

Ron wouldn't have fish near his dish

Milk, yogurt, eggs, cheese - made Mo leave his seat

But soon I came to understand

That leather chairs and eating meat's been banned

They didn't just like food which was bland

My mum's funeral tea should've been planned

Ron didn't care about his health 

Research said less meat, more fruit's good for minds

Poor people's food - now organic means wealth

That's true. No-one knew! But it grew by stealth

In wartime we ate dreadful Spam

Fresh chicken for the rich, plebs ate sliced ham

Meat sausages were a half bread scam

Now we're confused by turkey ham

At Easter time our diet begs

Don't feast on chocolate easter eggs

And worst of all, the dreadful habit

Of making children eat a chocolate rabbit

Cucumber sandwiches pleased aunts

Now menu writers must dance in a trance

First cows and pigs were replaced by cooked ants

Now menus offer 'meat' made from strange plants

We're invited out to a restaurant that's Indian

The biriani tastes of chicken

The menu describes what we eat as 'meat'

But it's tofu and plants, all vegetarian.

-ends-

Useful Websites

Vegetarian Products to buy, mock fish, mock meat, mock cheese

https://vbites.com/collections/all-products

Vegetarian Restaurant with mock meat menu

https://komalavilas.com.sg/

Written after eating at Kamala Vila, vegetarian restaurant at Little India, Singapore.

In memory of Uncle Ronnie, mother's brother, who was vegetarian, and Uncle Monty, who was vegan.

Angela Lansbury's late Uncle Ronald. Worked in the BBC radio orchestra. Also known as Arthur Gerard, musician and entertainer: - Performed at Hatfield House medieval banquets (as a strolling musician?). Appeared in pantomime. Was the conductor in a video with The Kinks. Colour-blind, sensitive, suicidal vegetarian.

Vegetable picture from istock. Also see Pixabay for free photos.