Landlord's Lament

Landlord's Lament
by Angela Lansbury

I should call myself landlady
Yes, but that's my smallest worry
Because I've got bigger problems
I must write this quickly, hurry

You'd think that it would be easy
Just sit back and count the money
Yet today I feel quite queasy
Flats smell of smoke, drugs, fire, curry

If it isn't fire its water
Leaking down from the flats above
Can't decorate, wait -  one more leak
On the soft carpets which I love

Look - the leaking gutters spread mould
Which has ruined the walls and floors
Pay plumbers quick, I'm feeling old
Wish the problems weren't mine but yours

Why do firms make an admin charge
It's the money, and time, and stress
Now I see the cost in time's large
We're sorting out the constant mess

I bought an expensive oven
Tenants roasted, set on the grill
The fire brigade has just left them
Oven destroyed - who'll pay the bill?

-ends-
Copyright Angela Lansbury

Poem Catching a Cockroach by Angela Lansbury

I was emptying my gmail when I found a poem I had emailed to a friend.

1104 The Cockroach and A Woman’s Reaction

by Angela Lansbury

Regarding my no bread diet

Kitchen and bathroom scales kept quiet

Therefore I don't think I deserve

Such strong tests of resolve and nerve

I thought that I’d been very good

Someone anticipates a sin

So sent a subtle keep out sign

A cockroach in my kitchen bin

Alone, I’d deal with it, I’m sure

I’d stun it with a killer spray

Or else I’d simply lock the door

Shout, ‘Go away!’ go out all day 

Once when cornered by a spider

I called a passer-by, a man

Could not wait for my ex with specs

Impatient - that’s the way I am.

I am a typical woman

And if I were caught on a cam

I like men but hate cockroaches

Predictable, why, yes, I am.

Who needs a porsche or MBA

Just be here at the close of day

And be calm, not fazed, when I say

Cockroach - in bin - take it away!

You do not need a diamond ring

You do not need to strum or sing

I no longer need a life coach

Just get rid of that big cockroach

I'll call a passer-by or ex

You do not need to wear a suit

It helps if you are wearing boots

I'll give you coffee, money, sex

It’s the moment which strengthens love

The moment when you prove yourself

More important than health or wealth

The macho broom, bin, plastic glove.

The missus won’t greet with kisses

She’s staring at the kitchen floor

But you’re the strong man she adores

You’re always welcome at her door.

-ends-

copyright Angela Lansbury 2017

Benjamin Franklin poem by Angela Lansbury

Bust of Franklin in Metropolitan Museum of Art, New York, USA

Benjamin Franklin poem
by Angela Lansbury

"I'm a Brit in America, what must I see?
Lots of things which fascinate me
A historic city, where should tourists being?
At the exhibition of Benjamin Franklin!

"He said 'early to bed and early to rise'
Makes shops wealthy, tourists happy and wise
As Philadelphia's buildings grew higher and higher
He invented lighting conductors to prevent fires ..."

"The building I'm in is made safer by him
The building you're in is made safer by him
People worldwide are indebted to him
Don't you want to know more about Benjamin Franklin?"

"He invented bifocals, I don't know how
I'm indebted to him, I'm using them now
He did so much for you and me
Come to Philadelphia - so much new to see!

He was also in London, a well-travelled man
Visit his home in England, soon if you can.
"Early to bed ...," that's what he would say
I repeat his words to myself every day.

Copyright Angela Lansbury, travel writer and photographer, poet, performer, speaker, English teacher.

PS
You can see how I came to write this poem, in a post today 12 May 2017, on my travel blog on blogger.com.
Please share a link to my posts on blog on travel and blog on poetry.

http://comicpoemsbynutter.blogspot.co.uk/2017/05/packing-list-poem. (My poem on packing)
https://www.visittheusa.com
http://www.visitphilly.com
http://www.visitphilly.com/museums-attractions/philadelphia/benjamin-franklin-museum/ (USA museum in Philadelphia)
http://www.benjaminfranklinhouse.org/site/sections/ (Benjamin Franklin house in London, England)

Packing List Poem

Packing List Poem
by Angela Lansbury

Every day I make a list
To make sure nothing vital's missed
The suitcase must be in the hall
Packed and locked for the taxi's call

I start to pack a month before
My bedroom looks like there's a war
The swimsuit, cap and new pool shoes
Papers to read - all last years' news

Dress, warm coat, skirt, shirt, light jacket
I can't find it - did I pack it?
The hat and gloves, map and notebook
Chocolate, sardines - no need to cook

The night clothes and the towel shoes
I might get more but can't be sure
A lipstick, pencil, pen and comb
Each thing I use each day at home

A toothbrush, toothpaste, a small soap
'though I'll get more when there, I hope
Hand cream, conditioner, shampoo
Repellent, empty food box - more to do

Count days away, work, sport and play
Clothes for touring, evening and day
Pickpocket proof - sew pocket zips
Add clipboard, sewing kit, paper clips

The underwear, the socks, the vest
Old clothes for hiking, dress that's 'best'
I'll always need smart clothes I know
For last night dinner and the group photo

I have to buy new hiking shoes
I'll go online, what should I choose?
Find old spare socks, they're clean but gosh
They're gray, they need another wash

Print long lists of what we should see
(To find one on which we agree!)
Check opening times, put numbers in phone
Neighbours, taxi for coming home

The reason I've so much to do
Is 'cos my phone update's not new
The passport, ticket, padlock - lock it
Lastly what goes in my pocket?

The keys, the fruit, water, spare bag
The pills, the ones which beat jet lag
A note to tell me empty bin
Take milk to neighbours if they're in

Remind the kids to water plants
Give them address, and phone the aunts
The doctors, dentists, clinics here
Check destination, what is near?

Yes, just in case I fall or slip
Check or buy insurance for the year, trip
Check time zones, sleep early or late
Set six alarms - prevent mistake

And make sure that when I'm away
When I arrive, the date, the day
I lose a day when flying east
Get jet lag; book tours, folklore feast

Cancel the meetings I can't make
I list and photo what I take
I'm sure that everything is planned
So all goes smoothly when I land

Plus list those vital words I'll need
If I lose my passport, I'm sick or bleed
Spanish, French, German, Russian, Chinese
Lunch, how much, too much, thank you, please.

Because I've learned from past mistake
The vital things I need to take
The sting relief and sticking plaster
Songs and jokes, for traffic jam laughter.

Am I a pessimist, or an optimist
No, I think I'm a realist

I'm overweight, re-pack, "We're late!
You're always late! The plane won't wait!"
I've packed too much, leave half behind
I was prepared, in my mind.

***
Copyright Angela Lansbury, travel writer and photographer, poet, performer author and speaker.
Please share link to this post.

About the author

Angela Lansbury B A Hons ACG ALB PM5 EH5 DL5 VC5 
The Author of several books, including  Etiquette For Every Occasion. Wedding Speeches & Toasts. How to be the Best Man. Quick Quotations. Who Said What When.

Blogs travelwithangelalansbury.blogspot.com

dressofthedayangela.blogspot.com

translateforfun.blogspot.com

Braddell Heights Advanced Toastmasters Speakers Club Vice President Public Relations (VPPR), Previous President

Join BHA 1st Wednesday 7pm and 3rd Saturday 2 pm Singapore time

Vice President Public Relations (VP PR) of Tampines Changkat Advanced;

Secretary of weekly online Singapore International Dynamic Toastmasters Speakers’ Club;

Member and past president of Harrovians toastmasters club, UK; Past member of HOD Toastmasters, London. Past member in Singapore of: Toastmasters Club of Singapore (TCS); Tiarel; and Senja Cashew.

More details from Toastmasters International find a club.

Regular attendee at annual Swanwick Writers’ School, England.

Regular attendee at annual Writers’ Holiday, Wales.

Contributor to poetry readings, and after tea courses on: Speaking On Radio To Promote Books; and Plots And Character.

Winner of many club and area speaking contests in the UK and Singapore.

Language advisor to Empire Toastmasters club in Indonesia.

Language and speech workshops in Singapore.

Speaker on radio and TV in England, Scotland, the USA, and Australia.

Compiler of a school course on public speaking for teachers to prepare pupils for school open days with attending ceremonies before government ministers, Singapore.

Former member of Harrow Writers’ Circle, London, and two writing groups in Singapore.

Angela is on Facebook, Instagram, LinkedIn, Pinterest, Twitter. She would be delighted to link up with new friends.

 Please share links to your favourite posts.

My Funny Family (version 7) poem by Angela Lansbury

My Funny Family
by Angela Lansbury

My family is very strange
But they are extremely funny
Some of them are obscenely rich
Won't help us who beg for money

My mother talked for twenty years
But never stopped to pause for breath
Father always smiled and nodded
Nobody noticed he was deaf

Dear Mum didn't think it mattered
After we lost my mother, dear
I asked my widowed Dad, 'Tea? Tea?"
And realised he could not hear.

My uncle played the violin
Better than all, than me or you
Won scholarships, played on cruise ships
A fine player, but stone deaf, too!

Played for radio, BBC
A fine player, not one wrong note
He left me books on lip-reading
He'd been deaf as an old, dead goat.

Poor Uncle's toilet filled with weed
He had no cash for a plumber
Instead he taught one the trumpet
Yet the toilets stank all summer

My son says, "You're the weirdest one
'Cos you write comic poetry!"
I can't see why he thinks I'm odd
My family's more strange than me.

-ends.

 Copyright Angela Lansbury, May 12 2017.

Grammatically it should end more strange than I am but me rhymes. Poet's license.

What I saw today - flowers

What I Saw Today - Flowers

Song by Angela

08052017

Today I saw an angry man

But then I saw a pretty girl

I saw a broken bracelet

But then I saw a glowing pearl

I picked a perfect rose

And I threw away dead flowers

Wasted ten minutes writing this

But still have fifteen hours

Forget about the lonely days

And think of your best kiss

I should think of holidays I’ve had

Forget the ones I’ve missed

Take action to achieve my dreams

Breathe deep, enjoy the rest

Add up the ticks in every day

And then you’ll pass life’s test.

-ends-

version 2

Today I heard an angry man

My mirror showed a pretty girl

I fell and broke my best bracelet

But knelt and grabbed one glowing pearl

I picked a perfect perfumed rose

I threw out old, faded flowers

Wasted ten minutes writing this

But still can fill fifteen more hours

Forget about the lonely days

An optimist thinks love and kiss

I'll think of holidays I’ve had

Forget the ones which I have missed

Take action to achieve my dreams

Breathe deeply and enjoy the rest

Add up the ticks in every day

And then you’ll win and pass life’s test.

-ends-

Hi God, a poem by Angela Lansbury on Does God Exist In Gardens

Hi God by Angela Lansbury

 "Does God exist in gardens, Gran? 

Looks like the devil's out there, too 

If you like bites from mosquitos 

Sorry to say I'm not with you!" 

 "Let's look around our garden, child 

Then you'll be sure there is a God "

Invite your friend to I take a look

 Under a log; bulbs, worms in sod ..."

 I pick a rose, scratched by a thorn I dodge, we see a honey bee 

Pick blackberries, dress stained and torn 

A bee, or wasp, starts chasing me ... 

 We try to hide behind a tree

 

I move a plant pot, ear wig, louse 

It doesn't even take a snake 

Slugs drive us back into the house

 I try to smile and not to sigh 

"It's sunny, phone the family 

Try to be good, don't make a fuss." 

 "When we die what eats you and me?" 

 When health and safety call on us 

They check for mice, mosquitos, rats 

Bugs live outside, must look for holes

 Roaches invade kitchens of flats

 I sometimes think I should desist

 I would not want to lose a friend 

An agnostic or atheist 

Can see both sides and round life's bend 

 If firm belief secures one's fate 

Grandchild's debate makes blood run cold 

It's time to choose, not quite too late 

Don't lose faith now, 

Gran - you're too old! 

 My rose is pretty, its perfume 

Would make believers of the blind 

Yes, pinks, and blues brighten my room 

But bee's buzz, greenfly, change my mind. 

 Angela Lansbury. Copyright Saturday, 6 May 2017. 

Author's note Pinks are the colour of roses but also the name of another kind of flower. 

I started writing a poem about the mixed blessings of a garden. I changed the poem to one in which an atheist or agnostic grandma debates with a child. I added another verse and changed it again to the worried child trying to secure a place in Heaven for grandma.

About the author

Angela Lansbury B A Hons ACG ALB PM5 EH5 DL5 VC5 
The Author of several books, including  Etiquette For Every Occasion. Wedding Speeches & Toasts. How to be the Best Man. Quick Quotations. Who Said What When.

Blogs travelwithangelalansbury.blogspot.com

dressofthedayangela.blogspot.com

translateforfun.blogspot.com

Braddell Heights Advanced Toastmasters Speakers Club Vice President Public Relations (VPPR), Previous President

Join BHA 1st Wednesday 7pm and 3rd Saturday 2 pm Singapore time. 

Vice President Public Relations (VP PR) of Tampines Changkat Advanced;

Secretary of weekly online Singapore International Dynamic Toastmasters Speakers’ Club;

Member and past president of Harrovians toastmasters club, UK; Past member of HOD Toastmasters, London. Past member in Singapore of: Toastmasters Club of Singapore (TCS); Tiarel; and Senja Cashew.

More details from Toastmasters International find a club.

Regular attendee at annual Swanwick Writers’ School, England.

Regular attendee at annual Writers’ Holiday, Wales.

Contributor to poetry readings, and after tea courses on: Speaking On Radio To Promote Books; and Plots And Character.

Winner of many club and area speaking contests in the UK and Singapore.

Language advisor to Empire Toastmasters club in Indonesia.

Language and speech workshops in Singapore.

Speaker on radio and TV in England, Scotland, the USA, and Australia.

Compiler of a school course on public speaking for teachers to prepare pupils for school open days with attending ceremonies before government ministers, Singapore.

Former member of Harrow Writers’ Circle, London, and two writing groups in Singapore.

Angela is on Facebook, Instagram, LinkedIn, Pinterest, Twitter. She would be delighted to link up with new friends.

 Please share links to your favourite posts.