The World Hides On My Plate comical poem 675 by Angela Lansbury

It's time for lunch, what can hungry souls munch?

Pull out cartons, wash hands, don plastic gloves

We chop up greens, big leaves like fans with seams

Heat bread with small holes, and warm dead sausage rolls

 The whole world's on my plate - it's worth the wait

Red, white, orange, green, life's never better

Soft white cheese labelled where? Guess. Don't just stare. 

Greek, Turkish, Beirut, Israel, Feta

Now let's begin? Take palm hearts from a tin

What shall I grab? Dad chooses the pink crab

Spicy tomato soup, cumin, gloop, gloop

Glass of fine rose wine, well past its time

Leave room for mushroom, the size of tea spoons

Sliced up, stir-fried, soft small, button mushrooms

Lastly, strong coffee, no chokkies, toffee

Turkish delight? Rose smell, saved for tonight.

For dinner, choose solid protein to eat

Not just chopped up mush, a big piece of meat

'Don't cook too much!' That's no cause for sorrow

Leftovers hide in loved lunch tomorrow

Eat drink and be merry, I always say

For tomorrow you may die, so might I

So let's enjoy ourselves and feast today

Nobody feel sad after chicken pie.

Pie made by Trevor Sharot. Photo by Angela Lansbury.

-ends-

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Do You Often Sit On The Fence? comical poem number 621 by Angela Lansbury

The Fence. Photo by Trevor Sharot.

Do you often sit on the fence

 Is it hard to make up your mind?

Do you wear one red and one green sock

When caught, pretend you're colour blind

When sandwiches are egg or cheese

You buy or make both, can't decide

Always buy clothes in both colours

Resulting in bills you must hide

Buy things you don't need in the sales

Buy birthday gifts for siblings, doting

And just in case, a dozen pails

Can't decide when you are voting

Buy wall to wall carpet, than add mats

Exercise lots but eat red meat

Regret lost birds but still keep cats

Take seconds, watching what you eat

Play the radio when it's quiet

I don't mean to be unkind

Eat chocolate when on a diet

Maybe you have a butterfly mind.

Do you suffer from indecison

You're dying, dementia, getting old

Does endless debating cause derision

It's a common, sickness, we're told.

-ends-

The Writing Business comical poem 559 by Angela Lansbury

Communication is a worldwide farm

Writers, like farmers, feed the hungry world, 

While the weather does wonders, or wreaks harm

Write drama, alarm, pass nuggets of charm

Instruction manuals are daily meat

Everyone needs guides, we all need to eat

The promises and hopes of each nation

A team, finds a theme, communication

Bus time tables, toilet signs at stations

At Toastmasters we listen, learn to teach

A set of tools within everyone's reach

To distill a clear message, with a joke

In a crisp five to seven minute speech

Right recalled wrongs, pen poetry and songs

Like icing preserves and decorates cake

Lullabies help restless babies to sleep

Rhythmic songs while you work, keep you awake

Businesses make losses in their first year, 

Be prepared, don't waste time on fears and tears

A cook's first home-made food, feeding only one

Cookbooks and pubs make money, profit, fun

Even a student starts hopeful and keen

But even beginners need small money

They needs lots of input for small output

Like worker bees, produce runny honey

But what I like is solid, thick, honey

It's crunchy and munchy and costs more money

So I can buy, guiltlessly, dear honey

I need to write what sells and makes money

To start a business or book's a worry

You sit up half the night - until daylight

There's hope, after years of experience

You learn what sells and you get it all right.

At last, writing's is easier and quick

The result's writer's and readers' delight.

-ends-

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Nursery Rhyme, The Tree Comic Poem by Angela Lansbury number 494

 

 A nursery rhyme and repetitive song to teach English to children and non native speakers.

Angela Lansbury with lit tree at Brixton. Photo by Trevor Sharot.

The Tree

In the street, what did I see?

From the street I saw a tree

On day one I saw a tree

What did I see? I saw a tree

 

On that tree what did I see?

I saw a bird up in the tree

On that tree what did I see?

I saw two birds up in the tree

 

Up in the sky I saw a nest

What do I like most?

That was the best!

 I put a picture in the post.

On day two I saw two trees

What did I see, I saw two trees

Two singing birds

That’s what I heard

 

You can’t see anything after dark

After dark after dark

That is when they close the park

Close the park, close the park

 

Go in daytime to see the roses

See the roses, make some posies

After dark, the park closes,

The park closes, the park closes

 

On day four, guess what I saw!

Guess what I saw! Guess what I saw

On day four, an apple tree

My neighbour’s tree, an apple tree

 

That apple looked so good to me

Good to me, good to me

My neighbour said, take it please,

I hope you like it, it’s free

 

It is very good to munch

You can have it for your lunch

 I said, you are very kind

How did you see it? You’re half blind

 

He said, I’m only colour blind

He said, I don’t see red on green

You’d be surprised how much I’ve seen

You’d be surprised how much I’ve seen

 

Besides, there’s so much I can tell

From the touch, and from the smell

Here comes a cat, how do I know

The birds don’t sing. Where do they go?

 

The birds don’t say, I was here first

They don’t say, let cats do their worst

Wise birds don’t sing a tell tale song

They don’t say, I’m right, the cat’s wrong

 

The world is big, they fly away

 

The birds find somewhere else to play

That old cat will die one day

And birds come back another day.

 

In other countries, have a rest

And then come back, our welcome guests

The farmers say that birds are pests

A few are welcome, but not so many

 

Wise birds know when to stay or fly

Some build their nests high in the sky

Some like birds, some like cats

Some like both, I’ve heard of that

 

Some folk stay home, plant apple trees

Some build big boats and sail the seas

Some take gifts, and some take skills

Some work hard, and pay their bills

 

And at weekends stay home and rest

Admiring birds in their small nests

Some people say, I’ve done no wrong

I work, I play, I hear a song

 

I look out and what do I see?

A small bird singing in the tree

He sings for birds, not just for me

But good to hear we all agree

 

Oranges grow where it is hot

Apples grow where it is not

Bees in hives will make you honey

Good honey sells for lots of money

 

In tropics dates grown in the heat

Big juicy grapes, so good to eat

See rice, that’s nice, wines from grape vines

Pasta, wheat, dates, sell, buy, eat

 

Some like fruit, and some like greens

Some can’t eat fish, some won’t eat meat

Some like sugar, others don’t

And some guests will, whilst others won’t

 

So long as we can all agree

What they don’t eat leaves more for me

There’s many more apples if you plant a tree

More fish in tanks and a wider sea

 

Another small bird in that same tree

Another small bird in that same tree.

What do I see , a big oak tree

Yes, that’s what I see, a big oak tree

 

Under the tree, guess what I found

An acorn, small, and long, and round

After time a small acorn grows

To a big oak tree, everyone knows.

-ends-

Chips, Cakes And Fruit For Kids & Guests comic poem 491 by Angela Lansbury

 Yalda solstice celebration cakes pretending to be melon. From Wikipedia. Caption from Angela.

My favourite food, I think, is chips

Seen on the plate, you lick your lips

Between the teeth, then underneath

The tongue, then munch, fish and chip lunch

I should change chips for baked potato

Should not add butter to my mash

And margarine? The rules have changed

Shop healthily? Or to stash cash

I hated beef, tough as old boots

You simply add soy sauce, of course

Anything half price is my loot

I frowned at yogurt, added fruit

Yes, chocolate, but sometimes fruit

Innocent as a birthday suit

Cut like a sun, another one

Tooth picks on melon look so cute

I love the watermelon red

It sends thoughts dancing in my head

Refreshed before I go to bed

It's lively lovely, tomato red

Add lemon yellow

I'll feel mellow

Lime, orange, grapefuit are its fellows

I take a sip, spit out a pip

What's strange is how my tastes have changed

I could not eat olives or pickles

I did not think that spice was nice

But now I love acidic trickles

The health inspector, monster said

Don't eat a big meal before bed

After big meals I'll rest my head

I yawn, I'm sinning, but not swimming

Some kids eat sweets, and some eat meat

To make them stop playing's a feat

For some a strawberry's a treat

Variety's what they should eat

Alas, I eat to compete

I have to eat as much as you

I feel guilty, this is silly

Is this what all fat people do?

If what you fancy does you good

Please take more fun and fattening food

I shouldn't discuss tomorrow's diet

Welcome guests should smile - and keep quiet.

-ends-

English Tweeting Bird comic poem number 383 by Angela Lansbury

 I woke up as the light was dawning

Only six o'clock in the morning

In the bathroom I heard tweet tweet

From a tiny bird out in the street

I said, "Hello,' and then a tweet-tweet

I thought he's so cute and really sweet

But probably calling to his friends

Like police summons, it never ends

I told him, if I may be so bold

I know you're lonely out in the cold

I'll interrupt you, beg your pardon

Feel free to fly into my garden

I love to hear your near tweet tweet tweet

But please don't drop poo onto the seat

Nor on the head of people below

Please tell your friends that I told you so

In my bathroom I did my small wee

Some vulgar people call it a pee

I tell my toddler grand-child wee's twee

I hope you'll agree and copy me

I'm in the bathroom by the bath

Looking through the bathroom window

Wash my hands, smile, give a laugh

But what is on the seat below!

The bird has left there something new

It looks just like some white bird poo

I bang the wondow, crossly shout

The tweeter's gone, to rout about

Later I'll go to clean away

The first outside job of the day

And make the garden clean and neat

Then welcome back the birdy's tweet

It's my first job to clean it all

I must be philosophical

I wish the birds good food to eat

To me - yuk -  worms!  To them it's meat

I, too, must eat, through vegans frown

And when my vegan friend's in town

I stick to eating lettuce leaves

Agree with her so she won't grieve

Then when she's gone, I'm like the bird

Just hop about, unthinking nerd

And eat whatever comes to hand

No planned, whatever's in my land

Drink water, say 'thank you,' and 'please'

The water lubricates your knees

I wickedly eat milk and cheese

Like birds go with the flow and breeze

What goes up must come down, white or brown

What goes around will soon come around

Day after day, birds wee but look sweet

They make my day with their tweet, tweet, tweet.

-ends-

Please share with friends the links to your favourite poems on my blogger post via messanger or to Facebook, Twitter (now X), Instagram, Pinterest and LinkedIn.

https://comicpoemsbynutter.blogspot.com/2024/02/english-tweeting-bird-comic-poem-number.html

Picture of hat for sale on RSPB website.

RSPB is the Royal Society for the Protection of Birds.

https://shopping.rspb.org.uk/gifts-home/clothing-and-outdoor/fashion-accessories/hats/rspb-beanie-2022.html

The colour is rust and the price is 25 pounds sterling. I have a birthday coming up.

Also see poem 400.

Food Addiction comic poem 220 by Angela Lansbury

 Interlude on Food 

Don’t tell me that eating food’s an addiction

You will add to today’s friction - and fiction

I eat to live and I live to eat -

But the internet says give up chocolate and meat

Why am I so obsessed with food?

Because food does me good and improves my mood

When I am late or in a bad state

I can cheer myself up with a big box of chocolate

I like two big portions of roast potato

Can I compensate with one sundried tomato?

I love spuds baked, mashed, chipped or sauté 

Give me potatoes, any way, every day

Alas, the weighing machine’s news is sad

It tells me the truth and I am not glad

That ice cream and chocolates will bring me more sorrow

If I leave my diet, again, ‘til tomorrow.

-ends-

Angela Lansbury copyright Saturday September 9th 2023

This is your pilot speaking - again (Comic poem 133)

Boarding Announcement

Welcome, I'm your pilot speaking - again 

Expect thunder, lightning, snowstorms, and rain 

We're here to greet you with a friendly smile

Rules

Please - no praying, singing, dancing in the aisle.

Is this a real flight? They told me, rehearse 

Films show life stuck down mines could be worse  

We can't give free slippers, peanuts, nor wine

We sell unhealthy snacks. At midnight, land and dine 

Don't queue for toilets; the seats don't recline

Sit like masked robots; We'll get home on time

I'm sorry to say cheap seats don't have free socks 

But I'm glad to say the pilot's door locks

Safety

You'll be restrained, if you cause trouble, 

If anybody threatens you, run at the double

I'm looking at my checklist, what have I forgot? 

I'm practising speeches, the plane's on autopilot

On the runway, see, there's a herd of goats

We're blocked by some kind of demonstration

Fasten your seatbelt, I'll fly above them

They're for, or against, some other nation

And before this long-haul flight begins

Good luck to that pair I see trying for twins

Do what you are told, no ifs or buts

The only nuts are religious nuts

In flight so many depend on so few

Rugby team, security's all on you

Forget the pilot, we're in God's hand

Are you saints or sinners? We know if we land

You're lucky if you're by an empty seat

On planes you never know who you'll meet

When you want to chat and they want to sleep

When you're vegan and they're eating meat

Crew

I promise I'll try to get things right

Clap for the pilot. we're on his first flight

You'll be glad oxygen keeps you alive

I'm scared like you whether we'll all survive

In-Flight Announcements

My co-pilot has gone for a short rest

To comfort a stewardess in distress

You're with friends, drinking and laughing out loud

While I sit alone, and talk to the clouds

Just think about it and then you will see

There's hundreds of you but just one of me!

Ooh - aah oo  aah

Aside

Oops, dear me, Lordy, what on earth's gone wrong?

I watched porn - and left the microphone on.

Emergency Announcement

I'm ever so sorry, we have to turn back

I just found out there's something we lack

My co-pilot hasn't completed his training

Look on the bright side, it isn't raining.

While we look for a co-pilot you'll have to wait

You will start your holiday three hours late

Look on the bright side, we're all still alive

Some days the good news is we have survived. 

-ends

The last two verses were added 5 May 2022 after I read the news item about the Virgin Flight which had to return, according to the Daily Mail.

Useful websites

https://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-10784111/Virgin-jet-forced-return-Heathrow-officer-not-completed-training.html?ns_mchannel=rss&ico=taboola_feed_article&ns_mchannel=rss&ico=taboola_feed

2022 April 20

https://www.independent.co.uk/travel/news-and-advice/christians-easyjet-flight-sing-guitar-b2061382.html

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The Food Which Isn't What It Says (Comic poem 131)

Two uncles who belonged to me

Were vegetarian with a small v

They argued and that puzzled me

What's Vegan? Spelled with a capital V!

They disagreed on what to eat

Though both agreed in horror seeing meat

Ron wouldn't have fish near his dish

Milk, yogurt, eggs, cheese - made Mo leave his seat

But soon I came to understand

That leather chairs and eating meat's been banned

They didn't just like food which was bland

My mum's funeral tea should've been planned

Ron didn't care about his health 

Research said less meat, more fruit's good for minds

Poor people's food - now organic means wealth

That's true. No-one knew! But it grew by stealth

In wartime we ate dreadful Spam

Fresh chicken for the rich, plebs ate sliced ham

Meat sausages were a half bread scam

Now we're confused by turkey ham

At Easter time our diet begs

Don't feast on chocolate easter eggs

And worst of all, the dreadful habit

Of making children eat a chocolate rabbit

Cucumber sandwiches pleased aunts

Now menu writers must dance in a trance

First cows and pigs were replaced by cooked ants

Now menus offer 'meat' made from strange plants

We're invited out to a restaurant that's Indian

The biriani tastes of chicken

The menu describes what we eat as 'meat'

But it's tofu and plants, all vegetarian.

-ends-

Useful Websites

Vegetarian Products to buy, mock fish, mock meat, mock cheese

https://vbites.com/collections/all-products

Vegetarian Restaurant with mock meat menu

https://komalavilas.com.sg/

Written after eating at Kamala Vila, vegetarian restaurant at Little India, Singapore.

In memory of Uncle Ronnie, mother's brother, who was vegetarian, and Uncle Monty, who was vegan.

Angela Lansbury's late Uncle Ronald. Worked in the BBC radio orchestra. Also known as Arthur Gerard, musician and entertainer: - Performed at Hatfield House medieval banquets (as a strolling musician?). Appeared in pantomime. Was the conductor in a video with The Kinks. Colour-blind, sensitive, suicidal vegetarian.

Vegetable picture from istock. Also see Pixabay for free photos.