Tall, Thin Tree, Small Me comical poem 589 by Angela Lansbury

 I often wonder why a tree

Has grown so much taller than me

They lost DNA design tall

So labelled my box, born size small!

I see the gardener with a strimmer

Works to make big trees grow thinner

I can't be cut by the strimmer

I shall have to eat less dinner.

I have a mind, and will, and soul

If being thin is my next goal

Less is more, half makes me feel whole

I do not need to take a poll

The moral is move more, eat less

So I can wear a fitted dress

Right now my dress is a disguise

To hide the pies with lines and lies

The tree is held up by strong roots

My ankles hide in big, wide boots

Wide shoulders, bat wings, business suits

I drink Chapagne, admiring flutes

I'll know the last thing I must do

Stand by the tree and smile at you

When I change shape, now let's begin

And like that tree look tall and slim

However much my kind friends lie

The truthful mirror tells no lie

My bigger clothes fit me again

Shocked people give me seats on trains

My huband will not let me wait

.He says that it's never too late

He's master of my fate and plate

For tea I just ate half a date

Now all is well as you can see

The whole, wide, wild world's nudging me

I'm not shamed by that tall, pine tree

But, like the palm, it's helping me.

-ends-

A Full Meal comical poem 566 by Angela Lansbury

 How should we start breakfast, lunch - or dinner?

With an olive or a glass of sherry

With brown bread and butter, or still water

Prosecco's fun, but it doesn't matter

Water or alcohol adds lubrication

Relaxes the mind and starts conversation

What is the best thing to talk about?

Thoughts which cause passion but don't make you shout

I like salad and fruit, something that's fresh

Something surprising in ev'ry great dish

Different colours, some vitamin C

Some A, and D, lots of variety

Some potatoes or bread, meat or fish

Something substantial in the main dish

I think of dessert but have to wait

For pudding, petits four, chocolate (cake)

I was on a diet but I'm not a fool 

In the short-term we're kind, though long-term we're cruel

Resisting it all cannot be done

Why stick to one when we're having such fun?

Last, espresso coffee, maybe mint tea

Something refreshing, I think you'll agree

Ginger and flavours you know I adore

Offer seconds, thirds, 'til guests gasp, 'No more!'

-ends-

Life, Death, Reincarnation and Dinner comical poem 547 by Angela Lansbury

What's life and death to you and me 

For me it's all a mystery

I don't feel reincarnation's

Like changing trains in life's stations

I stare at plates during dinner

Thinking the eater's the winner

Letters to lions from the deer

I'm sure would say, 'Wish you weren't here!'

I'm amazed silent strawberry

Reincarnates into laughing me

How milk turns into yellow teeth

Thin chicken to wide feet beneath 

A teeny weeny bit of me

Only the bit that others see

Stays in paintings and in photos

 All busy posterity knows

My childhood's already long past

Although my hair still grows like grass

I hope this poem stays all day

I'm preserved in a noval or play

Before it's tipped from life's wheelbarrow

When I'm gone like a shadow

And you'll have something left to see

But I won't see, no, no, not me

I shall leave money in banks and wills

To pay for a funeral, lawyers and bills

After death I shan't return

But distribute to hungry worms

Although in life I've a loud voice

After my death I've little choice

The wind will blow and life go on

Your voices sing my silly song.

-end-

Strawberries. Photo by Angela Lansbury. Copyright. 

Plese share links to your favourite posts.

I originally ended with

Other voices will sing my song.

I thought that was too sad.

It's supposed to be a comical poem. You should end with a smile.

So I ended Your foices sing my silly song.

Speaking Contest comic poem 385 by Angela Lansbury

To keep energy in my head

I dressed myself in vibrant red.

Enter contest and speak on Zoom

Like open mike, must read the room

Turn each page, still earn a wage

At my age, still on the stage

Looking for my inspiration

From the landscape or the nation

Seeking twisting in the plot

Finding fun where there's a knot

Interviewed in the interval

How do deal with glass half full?

Some you win and some you lose

Dressed in colours like a cruise

In Zoom waiting rooms, blind as a bat

Beaten by a poet reciting rap

Write my life, tell my story

Interviewed, give myself glory

Avoid  all fiction and faction

End with a clear call to action

Do what all good speakers do

End with smiles and nods to you

Another stop in life's station

Certificate of participation

Even though I did not win

Inspired to rewrite, must begin

But I won a little win

Presented with a Pathway pin

Lots to learn from speech winner

Feel much better after dinner.

Shrugging at the passing time

Eating chocolate, sipping wine

Lastly, before I go to bed

Remember what Napoleon said

He spoke of delights of Champagne

A thought which I'll repeat again

'In victoty you deserve it,' I concede it

'But in defeat, you need it..'

This fond Gran does not back pedal

When three -year-olds all get a medal

My spouse says, 'They must choose

You can't all always win! Be prepared to lose!'

ex

For little children, women and men

Lose, then prepare to run again

Winning is not out of reach

I'm already writing .my next speech

Don't be sadder, just be gladder

One step up the success ladder.

-ends-

I was in the Division L International Evaluation Contest, Saturday March 9th 2024, one of 8 contestants, not placed in the top three. I had previously won at club level, came third at area level, but was a last minute entrant at the third level, Division level, when the person ahead of me had to drop out.

Photo 

 Angela Lansbury wearing red, smiling after losing the speech evaluation contest. Photo by Trevor Sharot. Copyright.

Please share links to your favourite posts.

How To Plant A Poem For Action, comic poem number 190 by Angela Lansbury

 Bunched, jumbled words jump in my brain

I sort them into sentences

Space them like trees down my clean page

And decorate new thoughts again

I let the prefixes explain

Recall poets should not complain

And throw out all their dirty words

Like drenching rain down a dark drain

But after each poem's begun

Plant seeds, prune, 'til verses harden

Through wild meadows lay a clear path

To secluded, secret gardens

Thoughts start to flow, start to grow

You do as much as you are able

You think of seeds, uproot a weed

The day's tasks listed like flower labels

Where choruses like trellis grow

And in full sun bright colours glow

End with faint glow like setting sun

You, and the last perfect word, go.

Go to picnic, go to dinner

Go to rest, to drink or party

Go to sweet sleep, resigned to die

Leave behind gardens you started.

-ends-

The poem is a joke about how you wake up muddled in the morning and try to sort out your thoughts day with lists. The joke in the last verse but one is that the last word is short, go, and ends the distraction and inactivity of writing or reading a poem. Then I added the last verse. Go to party, go to sleep, go to die. Prepare to die is less hard but resigned echoes the vowel. Your choice when copying and reprinting. But remember to add by Angela Lansbury.

 

My Dear Reader (Comic Poem No.138 ) by Nutter (aka Angela Lansbury)

Every writer loves a poor spendthrift reader

Like naive followers love a rich, successful leader

Great thoughts when you let them out

First flap like wet washing, then butterfly about

Writers may start out befuddled

With lots of fine words jumbled, muddled

But keenly clean and iron them out

With thoughts of cute baby readers cuddled

Now we enjoy the internet, beat it, meet it

Which grabs thoughts like repeated ads you can't forget

Hope readers recall where they read it

So that they can give you credit

You can boast of love

Kick the air in a rage

Drop wild emotions

On an innocent page

Steal from a dictionary

Borrow from a thesaurus

Bow down before judges, 

All the geniuses before us

Ugly words obstruct like heavy logs

Half formed thoughts jump about like frogs

Indecision, like too many pretty hats

As the saying goes, like herding cats

But after years when we totter and rehearse

We can inject fast like a skilful nurse

Commas pause like little railway stations

Stops end lines, the terminus of punctuation

Shouting down the century

Daring to write on the page

Strutting on a hidden stage

Trying to dodge the waiting grave

To readers seeking what they lack

Like us, they try to answer back

Declaiming to the silent wall

When nobody can hear at all

And yet, like a map, a signpost, a guide, my writing works

Though the sender is dead, deaf or blind

Thoughts like an Uber arrow of dinner, dessert and drink

Leave my bow, reach the target, your mind.

I can pass on praise, create words of hope

For every ill, find an antidote

Paint a dance, sing a song, a merry whistle

Words can lighten, brighten and glitter like crystal.

And so, dearest reader, I share my treasure

And give to you new joy, in the old parcel of pleasure. 

-ends-

This is your pilot speaking - again (Comic poem 133)

Boarding Announcement

Welcome, I'm your pilot speaking - again 

Expect thunder, lightning, snowstorms, and rain 

We're here to greet you with a friendly smile

Rules

Please - no praying, singing, dancing in the aisle.

Is this a real flight? They told me, rehearse 

Films show life stuck down mines could be worse  

We can't give free slippers, peanuts, nor wine

We sell unhealthy snacks. At midnight, land and dine 

Don't queue for toilets; the seats don't recline

Sit like masked robots; We'll get home on time

I'm sorry to say cheap seats don't have free socks 

But I'm glad to say the pilot's door locks

Safety

You'll be restrained, if you cause trouble, 

If anybody threatens you, run at the double

I'm looking at my checklist, what have I forgot? 

I'm practising speeches, the plane's on autopilot

On the runway, see, there's a herd of goats

We're blocked by some kind of demonstration

Fasten your seatbelt, I'll fly above them

They're for, or against, some other nation

And before this long-haul flight begins

Good luck to that pair I see trying for twins

Do what you are told, no ifs or buts

The only nuts are religious nuts

In flight so many depend on so few

Rugby team, security's all on you

Forget the pilot, we're in God's hand

Are you saints or sinners? We know if we land

You're lucky if you're by an empty seat

On planes you never know who you'll meet

When you want to chat and they want to sleep

When you're vegan and they're eating meat

Crew

I promise I'll try to get things right

Clap for the pilot. we're on his first flight

You'll be glad oxygen keeps you alive

I'm scared like you whether we'll all survive

In-Flight Announcements

My co-pilot has gone for a short rest

To comfort a stewardess in distress

You're with friends, drinking and laughing out loud

While I sit alone, and talk to the clouds

Just think about it and then you will see

There's hundreds of you but just one of me!

Ooh - aah oo  aah

Aside

Oops, dear me, Lordy, what on earth's gone wrong?

I watched porn - and left the microphone on.

Emergency Announcement

I'm ever so sorry, we have to turn back

I just found out there's something we lack

My co-pilot hasn't completed his training

Look on the bright side, it isn't raining.

While we look for a co-pilot you'll have to wait

You will start your holiday three hours late

Look on the bright side, we're all still alive

Some days the good news is we have survived. 

-ends

The last two verses were added 5 May 2022 after I read the news item about the Virgin Flight which had to return, according to the Daily Mail.

Useful websites

https://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-10784111/Virgin-jet-forced-return-Heathrow-officer-not-completed-training.html?ns_mchannel=rss&ico=taboola_feed_article&ns_mchannel=rss&ico=taboola_feed

2022 April 20

https://www.independent.co.uk/travel/news-and-advice/christians-easyjet-flight-sing-guitar-b2061382.html

Please share links to your favourite posts.

Comic Poems And Songs Are Serious Work (Comic poem 124) by Angela Lansbury

 

I'm trying to do some serious work (10 syllables)

I'm writing a comic poem (8 syllables)

I need to put my talents to good use (10 syllables) 

And not be universe owing (8 syllables)

I promised I'd write a poem each day (10 syllables)

I admit it looks like lying (8 syllables)

Not want of pay made me give up (10)

But no readers. I stopped trying (6)

Compare a poem to a bank account (10)

One might be earning you nothing (8)

But one's potential is a huge amount (10)

Which one is it? I'm still guessing (8)

I could be filing tax, or cook dinner (10)

Cooking's tiring, tax makes me faint (8)

By not writing, I'm a fraud, a sinner (10)

Wasting time, watching drying paint (8)

What's a real job? A doctor or a nurse (10)

 Replies depend on who you ask (8)

What's hard work? Telling jokes? Driving a hearse? 910)

We learn skills, practise, do a task (8)

Today I planned shopping - I made a list (10)

My excuse was it was raining (8)

My train and song spotting skills were not missed (10)

I'm retired, no-one's complaining (8)

I'm asked by life coaches and speech makers (10)

Why are you wasting precious time? (8)

Who are givers, takers, or waste makers? (10)

Artists, where do you draw the line? (8)

Would God say, I gave you another day (10)

What did you do? Threw it away? (8)

Write of your homeland, if you're a native (10)

Write of travels, be creative (8)

Youngsters fail, pretend to be amateurs (10)

Time and doubts pass, then words don't hurt (8)

Authors are word traders, entrepreneurs (10)

Now I'm old, so I'm an expert (8)

I wrote, sang my song, for baby, Ava, (10)

She's wide eyed, pays with a big smile (8)

"Mama, dada! Grandma! Hello - bye-bye!" (10)

I starred, centre stage, life's worthwhile! (8)

-ends-

Written Wednesday evening 30th March 2022.

Revised Thursday morning 31st March 2022.

Copyright Anela Lansbury