If I Were You, Fellow Traveller, comic poem number 350 by Angela Lansbury

 If I were you

I would speak Chinese

And not waste time

Saying thank you and please.

If I were the king

I'd make everyone speak the King's English

I'd ban Korean, and Greek

Bad Grammar, Creole, Russian, Vietnamese and Singlish. 

On second thoughts

We would learn Esperanto in school

An international language

Would be such a handy tool.

If I were you all the buses

And Sundays newspapers would be free

But f I were you

I would not be me

If I were a bee

I would make flavoured honey

Give beehives to every gardener and farmer

We'd all make lots more money

If I were a bird

I'd sing in tune, and parrot every word

Teacher's lessons repeated, re-heard

If I were not a bird-brained bird

If I were a horse

I would run fast of course

And neigh 'til I was hoarse

If I were an internet, animated, 3D horse

If I were a cat

I'd sleep on the mat

Catch mice as cat food, save money on that

If I were a cat

If I were a cloud

I could not laugh out loud

I'm sure it's not allowed

If you are a digital cloud

If I were a tree

How odd that would be

Much more animated than me

If I were overprinted on a 3D tree

If I were a fish

I'd swim in the pond or sea

Then be preserved in a car key ring

How lucky I am that I'm me.

Two colour suitcase in red and blue block colours. Photo by Angela Lansbury. Copyright.

If I made travel goods

And make them all block colours

To go with matching clothes

Yes, I really would

If we had to start again

Maybe we'd all be men

All cocks and no hens

Pack unisex clothes, if we had to start again

Lastly, if I were you

That would never do

You know that it is true

For I'm me, and you are you

If you were in this room

And not just on Zoom

You could stand on the balcony

And watch tropical flowers bloom

Travel websites, now we've thought about it

Always tell the truth, I know you'll never doubt it

The museums closes Mondays, but on the web we travel far

Today I travel online, and love things the way they are.

-ends-

As the old Irish jokes goes, when asked the way, a bystander replied, 'If I were you, I wouldn't start from here.'

Royal-Tea Bears, comic poem 160 by Angela Lansbury

 

The royal Tea Bears lived in fine Tea Town

An impressive large town, not a wee town

Tea town where the best, big Tea Baggs are made

In mirror shop windows proudly displayed

Nearby, not related to fine Tee Town

An impressive large town, not a wee town

Where the best big buttoned Tee Sherts are made 

In mullioned shop windows proudly displayed

Far away from small A town, nicknamed "Ay"

The boss's granny's from Bubble  B town

Only a mile away from smart C town

Whose policemen live in Detour "D-town"

English trains tour to exquisite E town

Package planes take off to filthy "F......" town

Holiday makers go to happy H town

Sports teams train to be great in good G town

I once lived in icy, Island I-town

Dated John and James from jew'lers' J town

Loved large parks and larks in little L town

Knew kangaroos in zoos in cute K town

More the merrier in magic M town

Night and day, pay and play in new N town

Over and out, over in old, odd O town

Please and Peas are famous from poor P town

Queue to see queens in quaint, quiet, Q town

Royal dinners served in rich, red R town

Special swimming galas in smart S town

Veras and Victors abound in V town

Do U turns down to uppity U town

Double brollies sell in W town

Sex is in X rated in middle X town

Why does no-one go to youthful Y town?

Ned and Fred zig-zag to zany Zed town

Chloe and Zoe zoom down to Zee town

Tourist take their tea in Tea town

My Tee shirts are from Tee town - the me town!

Tourist who like tasting rich, royal Tea

Take guided tours of Cyrillic with me

Past London's hospital, the Royal Free

Alphabetical towns with towers, no fee

Alphabets look Russian and Greek to me.

Kids without cares, Dads buy bears, selling shares

Boys buy soft toys, beaming girls twirl curls

Mums play rhythmic music by Middle Sea.

-

By Angela Lansbury. Copyright.

Glossary and puns

all Greek to me - mystery/puzzling/erudite

ay - pun on A quality or top quality and ay or aye for yes or agreement

A- A roads, A is top quality, first in the alphabet

B - secondary road, second class

C - tertiary road, third class

brolly - umbrella

D tour and detour

F ... - four letter word, swear word, meaning sex

Middle Sea - pun on musical note Middle C

I - pun on Iceland, the country and the shop, icy I town

J town, pun on Jewish

N - many town are called new or Newcastle, Newton

M for McDonalds

P - mind your Ps and Qs

royal T - pun on royalty, tea with royal seal of approval, by appointment to the royal family 

T - pun on for tea and golf tee

train - pun on taking a train, and training for a sports team

V - Vera is a name and implies truth 

wee - small (word of Scottish origin)

wee-wee - urine

Zed - last letter of the alphabet in the UK

Zee - last letter of the alphabet in the USA

Please share links to your favourite blogs and favourite posts.

You can see my books on Lulu.com and amazon.com and look inside for free or buy one or two and if you meet me ask me to sign a copy for you or to send you a rhyming couplet with your name.

Picture of bubble tea from Angela Lansbury. copyright.

Packing List Poem

Packing List Poem
by Angela Lansbury

Every day I make a list
To make sure nothing vital's missed
The suitcase must be in the hall
Packed and locked for the taxi's call

I start to pack a month before
My bedroom looks like there's a war
The swimsuit, cap and new pool shoes
Papers to read - all last years' news

Dress, warm coat, skirt, shirt, light jacket
I can't find it - did I pack it?
The hat and gloves, map and notebook
Chocolate, sardines - no need to cook

The night clothes and the towel shoes
I might get more but can't be sure
A lipstick, pencil, pen and comb
Each thing I use each day at home

A toothbrush, toothpaste, a small soap
'though I'll get more when there, I hope
Hand cream, conditioner, shampoo
Repellent, empty food box - more to do

Count days away, work, sport and play
Clothes for touring, evening and day
Pickpocket proof - sew pocket zips
Add clipboard, sewing kit, paper clips

The underwear, the socks, the vest
Old clothes for hiking, dress that's 'best'
I'll always need smart clothes I know
For last night dinner and the group photo

I have to buy new hiking shoes
I'll go online, what should I choose?
Find old spare socks, they're clean but gosh
They're gray, they need another wash

Print long lists of what we should see
(To find one on which we agree!)
Check opening times, put numbers in phone
Neighbours, taxi for coming home

The reason I've so much to do
Is 'cos my phone update's not new
The passport, ticket, padlock - lock it
Lastly what goes in my pocket?

The keys, the fruit, water, spare bag
The pills, the ones which beat jet lag
A note to tell me empty bin
Take milk to neighbours if they're in

Remind the kids to water plants
Give them address, and phone the aunts
The doctors, dentists, clinics here
Check destination, what is near?

Yes, just in case I fall or slip
Check or buy insurance for the year, trip
Check time zones, sleep early or late
Set six alarms - prevent mistake

And make sure that when I'm away
When I arrive, the date, the day
I lose a day when flying east
Get jet lag; book tours, folklore feast

Cancel the meetings I can't make
I list and photo what I take
I'm sure that everything is planned
So all goes smoothly when I land

Plus list those vital words I'll need
If I lose my passport, I'm sick or bleed
Spanish, French, German, Russian, Chinese
Lunch, how much, too much, thank you, please.

Because I've learned from past mistake
The vital things I need to take
The sting relief and sticking plaster
Songs and jokes, for traffic jam laughter.

Am I a pessimist, or an optimist
No, I think I'm a realist

I'm overweight, re-pack, "We're late!
You're always late! The plane won't wait!"
I've packed too much, leave half behind
I was prepared, in my mind.

***
Copyright Angela Lansbury, travel writer and photographer, poet, performer author and speaker.
Please share link to this post.

About the author

Angela Lansbury B A Hons ACG ALB PM5 EH5 DL5 VC5 
The Author of several books, including  Etiquette For Every Occasion. Wedding Speeches & Toasts. How to be the Best Man. Quick Quotations. Who Said What When.

Blogs travelwithangelalansbury.blogspot.com

dressofthedayangela.blogspot.com

translateforfun.blogspot.com

Braddell Heights Advanced Toastmasters Speakers Club Vice President Public Relations (VPPR), Previous President

Join BHA 1st Wednesday 7pm and 3rd Saturday 2 pm Singapore time

Vice President Public Relations (VP PR) of Tampines Changkat Advanced;

Secretary of weekly online Singapore International Dynamic Toastmasters Speakers’ Club;

Member and past president of Harrovians toastmasters club, UK; Past member of HOD Toastmasters, London. Past member in Singapore of: Toastmasters Club of Singapore (TCS); Tiarel; and Senja Cashew.

More details from Toastmasters International find a club.

Regular attendee at annual Swanwick Writers’ School, England.

Regular attendee at annual Writers’ Holiday, Wales.

Contributor to poetry readings, and after tea courses on: Speaking On Radio To Promote Books; and Plots And Character.

Winner of many club and area speaking contests in the UK and Singapore.

Language advisor to Empire Toastmasters club in Indonesia.

Language and speech workshops in Singapore.

Speaker on radio and TV in England, Scotland, the USA, and Australia.

Compiler of a school course on public speaking for teachers to prepare pupils for school open days with attending ceremonies before government ministers, Singapore.

Former member of Harrow Writers’ Circle, London, and two writing groups in Singapore.

Angela is on Facebook, Instagram, LinkedIn, Pinterest, Twitter. She would be delighted to link up with new friends.

 Please share links to your favourite posts.