Confession Of The Accident-Prone Tormented Traveller. Comic poem number 149 by Angela Lansbury.

I wore pink and black to a funeral

When the others all wore black

I crawled on the floor under the pew

Reversed my jacket before the priest turned back

Disasters always happen to me

But they also happen to you

As I fly by, into spiders' nets

Beside you, you know it's true

Because I'm the anxious passenger

While you're the optimistic driver

Luckily I'm a survivor

But I wouldn't bet a fiver

Last week we got a parking ticket

And then the congestion charge

You shrugged, and said, just once in a while

The two fines, and my stress, were large

I've travelled a lot, near and far

Loved Corsica, 'til knocked down by a car 

On campsites I was unhappily muddied

I drove home, found my street was flooded

One boarding mishap can be blamed on me

I left my passport behind at security

Crew tried to stop racing back off the plane

I promise I'll never do that again.

Now you off travelling

Friends ask, "D'you mind being alone?"

Yes, I do, but travelling is so stressful

I'd rather fall off chairs and trip over at home.

-ends-

I changed, then add to the last line to I'd rather trip over at home, trip and trip over being useful puns.

Please share links to your favourite poems.

Happy and Harrowing Harrow, Pinning Down Pinner, Ending with Hatch End. Comic poem 140.

I'm an author and live in Hillview Road 10 a

It's clean and green, I've a small abode 9 a

Tall trees lean, and arch, drop cones on the ground 10 b

Firs, flowers, bushes, busts, birds abound 10 b

Hidden away, back gardens, sure to please 10a

Hide gnarled apple, old pear, giant oak trees 10a

We grow six types of grapes, hoping for wine 10b

We might fill one bottle in ten year's time 10b

We've tame cats and dogs, a wild bush-tailed fox 10a

And an old-fashioned, domed, red letter post box 10a

Stooped friendly neighbours and neighbourhood watch  10b

Loud burglar alarms, high gates and strong locks 10b

I'll start my story with tales of Harrow 10a

Streets cobbled, then bricked, wind steep and narrow 10a

Historic and romantic after dark 10b

Drive up and find it's hard to double park  10b

Hillview Road once viewed Harrow on the hill 10 a

Now skyscrapers - please don't bear them ill will  10a

Neighbours in Harrow are nice as an ice 10b

Kids survived Covid-19, rats, head lice 10b

Pinner has Heath Robinson's museum 10a

His cartoons raise laughs, each time you see 'em 10a

Nelson's daughter sleeps in a nearby grave 10b

Near Tudor pubs whose names campaigners save10b

Walk up Pinner High street, historic, steep 10a (6a 4a)

Eat in Tudor pubs, drive round a few bends 10b

Along Uxbridge Road, flowers planted by friends 10b

And you'll reach Heaven, our litter-freed Hatch End 10b

Eat Chinese, or Jewish style served by Greeks 10a

Indian, Italian, dine out for weeks  10a

Twenty restaurants - when you've done with 'em 10b

At Grimsdyke hear Gilbert and Sullivan 10b

Mrs Beeton was our most famous cook 10a

She wrote a still-in-print cookery book 10a

A World War Two bomb blew her house away 10b

But a plaque clung on the wall yesterday 10b

We've twisted old trees, red clay soil, brown mud 10a 

High street photos show cars towed from a flood 10a

We've charity shops, collection boxes

Garden fences which don't block the foxes

My name's author Angela Lansbury 10a

I hope you'll recall this verse penned by me 10a

And dear Philip, who seems ordinary 10 b

Until he hangs poems on his front tree. 10b

-ends-

10 is the number of syllables. a and b are the rhymes

Written on Friday 20th May 2022 by Angela Lansbury at the request of Philip Barnet who has hung poems on the tree in Hillview Road, Hatch End, Pinner, Middlesex, England, UK, by the pavement (Americans say sidewalk) to entertain passers-by.

The Ark in the Park version 2

Noah started building his ark
All in secret, just for a lark
Near the dark woods and deep water
In a remote national park

But when building was nearly done
He grew tired of staying so mum
So called the family for fun
And said, "Let's take her for a run!"

They sailed around just as he'd planned
His boat, like a cruise ship, so grand
Unluckily when they reached land
The harbour master raised his hand

"You can't park that boat, not round here
It's far too large and far too near
I fear you'll cause an obstruction ..."
He stroked his chin in hesitation

Noah felt in pocket, no docket
But he had a gold coin or two
A bribe would get the man on side
He knew just what he had to do

He said, "You're good, but must act tough
Look, it's sunny, but waves are rough
We can't go, so could you move on?
Are these two, three, five coins enough?"

"The man looked over his shoulder
"Take them quick," said Noah, bolder
"Please be kind, don't raise the alarm
I promise, we won't do no harm

"We just need a lull in the storm
Good willing, we'll go in the morn
May I offer you tea inside?
Just take a look, have a free ride ..."

"No," said the man, "I must move on
Make sure by tomorrow you're gone."
Have a safe journey, wish you well
You ain't seen me. I'll never tell."

Waters rose. Noah slammed the door.
Stay or go? He still was not sure.
On balance, he thought, I'll wait, stay.
I've lost my map, don't know the way.

I'll get away with one more day!
Leave tomorrow, or two more days?
The sheep stop eating, the goats start bleating
What could he do? What should he say?

White, frothy waters splashed higher.
The sky grew grey. The drizzle was dire.
Mud sucked round - stuck in the mire!
Waves struck - the anchor floats away!

They drifted, circled days and days.
At last, dry flat land, they landed.
On a mountain top. "We're stranded!"
They all crept out and peered about.

Despite the flood, they're not alone.
They're in some other nation's home.
Dodos and dinosaurs are dead
Rabbits - and cockroaches - have bred.

Noah shows his boat, boasts his story
"Whales were huge, toothy sharks gory"
Lived on his tale 'til old'n' hoary
Found fortune, fame - eternal glory.
-ends-
Copyright Angela Lansbury. Sunday 18 August 2019.
I created version 2 by changing every line to eight syllables, adding some more thoughts, such as the number of coins and alliteration. I expanded the last couplet to four lines. I overwrote the first draft.

Then I read it to my husband.
However, my husband said he'd preferred the original version.

So I copied version 2, before saving it, reverted to draft in the hope of getting back version 1, saved version 2 as a new document. I went back to the (revert to draft) version 1 and made sure I had shortened it and recreated the the more conversational tone and uneven lines.

I would be interested to hear which version you prefer.  You need to read both versions twice. Why? Because if you read version 1 then version 2 you might prefer version one because on reading version two you have lost the surprise effect of reading it for the first time. 

The Ark In The Park version 1

Noah started building his ark
All in secret, just for a lark
Near the dark woods and deep water
In a remote national park

But when the building was nearly done
He'd grown tired of staying mum
He thought he would take it out for a run
And called the whole family in for some fun.

They sailed around just as he'd planned
Such a big boat, like a cruise ship, so grand
Unfortunately when they came into land
A 'busy' official held up his hand

"You can't park that big boat, not around here
It's far too large and it's far too near
I fear you will be causing obstruction ..."
He stroked his chin in meditation, hesitation

Noah felt in his pocket, but found no docket
Only a coin or two
A bribe would get the man on side
He knew what he had to do

He said, "You're a kind-hearted man, but have to be tough
Altough it seems sunny, the waves are too rough
We can't move off, can you move on?
Ahem - are these coins enough?"

"Well, I don't know ..." he looked over his shoulder
"Take it quickly," said Noah, now growing bolder
"Don't worry, I promise, we won't do no harm
Don't raise the alarm, in a lull between storms - we'll be gone in the morn.

"Are you sure you won't have some tea inside?
Have a look around, and come for a free ride ..."
"No, no," said the man, "I have to move on
But make sure by tomorrow you're gone."

The waters rose. Noah slammed shut the door.
Stay or go? He still wasn't sure.
On balance he thought he'd rather stay.
After all, he didn't know the way.

But the waters rose higher and higher
The weather was getting dire.
Muddy all round. Stuck in the mire.
A big wave struck and they floated away.

They drifted around for days and days.
Eventually they came to dry land and landed.
On the top of a mountain. A dry spell. they're stranded.
They all came out and looked about.

Despite the flood, they were not alone.
They'd landed in some other nation's home.
The dodo and dinosaur were both dead.
But the rabbits and cockroaches had secretly bred.

They had a big boat, and embroidered their story.
They lived on their fame - and eternal glory.
-ends-