How To Write The Perfect Poem. Comical verse 857 by Angela Lansbury

 I write a poem every day

And after ten years I can say

At last I've grasped rhythm and rhyme

Enough to do it every time

I count on fingers eight or ten

Another line, you count again

Like pairs, couplets, each syllable

Fills up the page until it's full

I count syllables in each line

Numbers of lines, complete the verse

Tomorrow will be better still

I'm better if yesterday's worse 

Today I saved myself some time

Before I start, I plan the rhyme

It is amazing what I know

I wish I'd done that years ago!

The alphabet I don't forget

Find rhymes, race through the alphabet

From climb to dine to fine to wine

I now can do that every time. 

Long ago homework was a chore

Counting syllables was a bore

I'm glad to say that now it's fun

So satisfying when it's done.

-ends-

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The Perfect Policeman. Comical poem 856 by Angela Lansbury

Detectives do dull paperwork

Dates, times, alibis, which we shirk

They look for two 'facts' which don't match

Alert, for criminals to catch

But in the daytime you don't meet

Enough policemen in the street

When there's too many, you complain

But too few - bring them back again!

Who can you call when others sleep?

Who stays calm when you wail and weep

But when there's fighting all about

Expect to get police who shout!

-ends-

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Autumn and Christmas by Angela comical poem 855 by Angela Lansbury

 Autumn brings the north winter chills

The sniffles, flu and winter ills

Turn heating on, prepare for bills

Granddads, please write or revise wills

Days shorter, darker, longer nights

New seasons brings children delights

Halloween, pumpkins, biscuit frights

Street decorations, trees, Christmas lights.

-ends-

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Funny Hats and Cats. Comical poem 854 by Angela Lansbury

 I don't care if you're thin or fat

I love it if you wear a hat

A funny hat or funny cap

Amusing slogans, cartoon cats

Colourful clothes which make me laugh

Two matching tee-shirts, each one half

Even repeating an old joke

But better if it is bespoke

Making me laugh at me or you

Or silly things which people do

Souvenirs from train stations

All nations, start conversations.

-ends-

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First day of Holidays - Rewritten Several |Times. Comical Poems 853 By Angela Lansbury

Today's rewrite is 

On the first day of my holiday I drew a little tree

Two little faces

Three palm tree places

four little cats

five little hats (or bats)

six little dogs

seven little frogs

eight mouths singing

nine arms swimming

Ten little hens

Next version

six dog tails wagging

seven old beds sagging

eight swimmers swimming

nine runners winning

ten climbers climbing

eleven diners dining

twelve drummers drumming

Previously I wrote this 

I was thinking that songs for children should be up-to-date and educational. I want to update a numbers song. I thought of the first day of Christmas.

It was published in 1780 so it is out of copyright. There's a website called songfinder. But I decided it was safer to use Wikipedia. I found the words

On the first day of Christmas my true love sent to me
A partridge in a pear tree

On the second day of Christmas my true love sent to me
Two turtle doves,
And a partridge in a pear tree.

On the third day of Christmas my true love sent to me
Three French hens,
Two turtle doves,

And a partridge in a pear tree. 

On the first day of Christmas my true love sent to me
A partridge in a pear tree

On the second day of Christmas my true love sent to me
Two turtle doves,
And a partridge in a pear tree.

On the third day of Christmas my true love sent to me
Three French hens,
Two turtle doves,

And a partridge in a pear tree. 

• four calling birds
• five gold rings
• six geese a-laying
• seven swans a-swimming
• eight maids a-milking
• nine ladies dancing
• ten lords a-leaping
• eleven pipers piping
• twelve drummers drumming

My updated version 1 Holiday with Parakeets starts:

On the first day of Christmas please draw for me

A parakeet in a pear tree

On the second day of holiday please draw for me

two cats and two red roses

three dogs with big eyes and tails and noses

four flower posies

five little fishes

six bowls and dishes

Seven swans all swimming

Eight cows and milking

nine children dancing

Ten gymnasts leaping

Eleven pipers piping

Twelve drummers drumming.

Version 2 On the First Day of Holidays In A Park

During the first day of holidays I went to the park

On a bright afternoon, before it it got dark

We swam in one heated pool

Had two cold shower to stay cool

version 2 On the first day of holidays In a Park

We rode on one wooden donkey

And climbed up two nets like a monkey

Walked on three old brick walls

Making sure we didn't fall

Version 3

We swung on one swing

And climbed up two sets of ropes

We ran through three tunnels

Asked for ice cream, full of hopes

Version 4 Holiday Break By the Lake

We rode on one little train

Which went round twice and round again

We saw three people walking dogs

By ponds with four fish and more frogs

Version 5 Holiday at Soft Play

We went to soft play at a zoo

Saw an animal or two

I saw one long-eared rabbit

Which had a chewing carrot habit

I saw two happy goats

Smiling at me by the moat

I saw three little sheep

Their white wool was very deep.

It grew dark and we were tired 

From running with toys we'd acquired.

That was the most delightful day

Which started our long holiday

Ending it was such a sorrow

But we'll have more fun tomorrow.

***

And once someone fell on muddy ground

For five minutes cried, wailed, dreadful sound

Their Mum found mermaid sticking plaster

Soon I heard giggles, lots of laughter

Then we were yawning, and ready for a sleep

At the end of the day, my eyes could hardly keep (yawn)...

So we fed animals good food

Grandma said, we must go away

I wave goodbye to pigs and say 

I promise to all of you

Grinning goats, my dears, 

Dry your flowing tears, 

Calm your alarming fears

We promise we'll come back again

To feed the ducks, and geese and hens

To feed and play

Another lovely day.

-ends-

Dears hints at deer.

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On The First Day Of Christmas Please draw for me. Comical poem 852 by Angela Lansbury

 

I was thinking that songs for children should be up-to-date and educational. I want to update a numbers song. I thought of the first day of Christmas.

It was published in 1780 so it is out of copyright. There's a website called songfinder. But I decided it was safer to use Wikipedia. I found the words

On the first day of Christmas my true love sent to me
A partridge in a pear tree

On the second day of Christmas my true love sent to me
Two turtle doves,
And a partridge in a pear tree.

On the third day of Christmas my true love sent to me
Three French hens,
Two turtle doves,

And a partridge in a pear tree. 

On the first day of Christmas my true love sent to me
A partridge in a pear tree

On the second day of Christmas my true love sent to me
Two turtle doves,
And a partridge in a pear tree.

On the third day of Christmas my true love sent to me
Three French hens,
Two turtle doves,

And a partridge in a pear tree. 

• four calling birds
• five gold rings
• six geese a-laying
• seven swans a-swimming
• eight maids a-milking
• nine ladies dancing
• ten lords a-leaping
• eleven pipers piping
• twelve drummers drumming

My updated version starts:

On the first day of Christmas please draw for me

A parakeet in a pear tree (or A parrot in an apple tree)

On the second day of holiday please draw for me

two black cats and two red roses

three dogs with big eyes, long tails, black noses

four pretty flower posies

five funny little fishes

six filled bowls and fruit dishes

Seven swans, and cygnets swimming

Eight cows, cups of milk and drinking

nine little children dancing

Ten gymnasts bravely leaping

Eleven pretty pipers piping

Twelve little drummers drumming

Thirteen in a choir, humming

Hum-m-m!

During the holidays I went to the park

Just for the afternoon, it soon got dark

We swam in one heated pool

Had a shower to stay cool

We rode on a wooden donkey

And climbed like a real life monkey

We swung on one swing

And climbed up two sets of ropes

We ran through three tunnels

Asked for ice cream, full of hopes

We rode on a little train

Which went round and round again

We saw people walking dogs

And a pond with fish and frogs

We went to soft play at a zoo

Saw an animal or two

I saw one rabbit

Which had a chewing habit

I saw two little sheep

Their white wool was very deep.

It grew dark and we were tired 

From running around with soft toys we'd acquired

And once somebody fell on the muddy ground

For five minutes they cried and wailed a dreadful sound

But their mother gave them a mermaid sticking plaster

And soon they giggled and I heard lots of laughter

And I was yawning and ready for a sleep

At the end of the day and my eyes could hardly keep ...

So we fed the animals some food

But then grandma said we had to go away

So I waved goodbye to pigs and promised

Grinning goats, dears, we'll come back another day.

-ends-

Dears hints at deer.

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The Bathroom Speaks. Comical Poem 851 by Angela Lansbury.

 At night when I take a walk

I dream the bathroom fittings talk

The carpet feels my large warm feet

And comments every time we meet

Imagine fittings don't forget

But love visits and take a bet

'Our room's important, we shall see ...'

'Sh, here she comes to fondle me!' 

'Hooray, householder's coming back.'

'I bet she'll pee,' 'I bet she'll crap'

'The body parts we must not mention

But, ooh, we do love attention!'

'Toilet's important, crushes mush

And has a satisfying flush ...'

'Turn me, I'm ready, here, hot tap'

'Hooray, my turn, she's coming back.

'I'm pretty towel, lovely, soft'

'I'm toothbrush, please lift me aloft.'

'I'm toothpaste, over here, please.

I love it when I get a squeeze!'

'She done, hooray, we all feel rich'

'Lastly, it's me, I'm the light switch

Whether you're clean, or have been sick

I give a satisfying click'

'I hope you like our happy rhyme

Goodbye, householder, till next time!'

-ends- 

Every time I write a poem, I am so pleased with it. I think, all the other hundreds of poems might be forgotten, but this one will be repeated, remembered and repeated, and give pleasure for centuries.

Which poem is your favourite?

I'd love to have a comment from you. Who was it who said, 'writers ask for criticism, but all they want is praise'? 

I asked Gemini. It was W. Somerset Maugham in his 1938 book Of Human Bondage. He wrote: 'when people ask you for criticism, they want praise'.

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