The Food Which Isn't What It Says (Comic poem 131)

Two uncles who belonged to me

Were vegetarian with a small v

They argued and that puzzled me

What's Vegan? Spelled with a capital V!

They disagreed on what to eat

Though both agreed in horror seeing meat

Ron wouldn't have fish near his dish

Milk, yogurt, eggs, cheese - made Mo leave his seat

But soon I came to understand

That leather chairs and eating meat's been banned

They didn't just like food which was bland

My mum's funeral tea should've been planned

Ron didn't care about his health 

Research said less meat, more fruit's good for minds

Poor people's food - now organic means wealth

That's true. No-one knew! But it grew by stealth

In wartime we ate dreadful Spam

Fresh chicken for the rich, plebs ate sliced ham

Meat sausages were a half bread scam

Now we're confused by turkey ham

At Easter time our diet begs

Don't feast on chocolate easter eggs

And worst of all, the dreadful habit

Of making children eat a chocolate rabbit

Cucumber sandwiches pleased aunts

Now menu writers must dance in a trance

First cows and pigs were replaced by cooked ants

Now menus offer 'meat' made from strange plants

We're invited out to a restaurant that's Indian

The biriani tastes of chicken

The menu describes what we eat as 'meat'

But it's tofu and plants, all vegetarian.

-ends-

Useful Websites

Vegetarian Products to buy, mock fish, mock meat, mock cheese

https://vbites.com/collections/all-products

Vegetarian Restaurant with mock meat menu

https://komalavilas.com.sg/

Written after eating at Kamala Vila, vegetarian restaurant at Little India, Singapore.

In memory of Uncle Ronnie, mother's brother, who was vegetarian, and Uncle Monty, who was vegan.

Angela Lansbury's late Uncle Ronald. Worked in the BBC radio orchestra. Also known as Arthur Gerard, musician and entertainer: - Performed at Hatfield House medieval banquets (as a strolling musician?). Appeared in pantomime. Was the conductor in a video with The Kinks. Colour-blind, sensitive, suicidal vegetarian.

Vegetable picture from istock. Also see Pixabay for free photos.