Humorous Misunderstandings In Pronunciation comic poem 374 by Angela Lansbury

Angela Humorously speaking with puppet and microphone. Photo by Angela Lansbury. Copyright.
 

I've English friends from the Carribean

On Zoom Central America, too

Our Nigerian friends have lost their g 

Are they thinkin' talkin' like you?

Some lose keys and some lose a letter

The lost letter is h, we teachers aren't cranks

With our help armies do better

Please send thanks, but not tanks

The Chinese lose h ut keep the tea

One mum told me her children were tree

I thought they must liked climbing trees

But they were bookish, yes, all three

There's a silent b, e, h, and g 

Pronunce most letters in every word

Th in thee, th in three

Remember to say third and not turd

Tongue under teeth when saying third

I hope dear friends you won't forget

To say exactly the word you heard

A turd is something you see in the toilet.

Do you think we're born perfect, the Engllish Nation?

No, my Mum paid a teacher of elocution

Some adults still have good pronunciation

Listen to me, that's a cheap solution.

-ends-

Hear About A Polyglot's Day, Dia, comical poem number 366 by Angela Lansbury

I learned to speak in fluent French

And 'useless' Latin when at school

I passed A level, with effort

No fool, I learned the words and rules

And then I met a polyglot

His languages, not four, but eight!

For years I dreamed of my hero

But thought for me it was too late

Than along came Duolingo

And Google hit and miss Translate

What great joy, I started German

I learned, it is never too late

Each day I learned twenty new words

'though each day I forget thirty

Each day I learn to say, It's new

Can't say, It's old, dear, or dirty

I'm learning twelve new languages

Sometimes get a bit confused

I learn a lot of obscure words

Practise tenses I've never used

Yet I am learning every da y

I say all new words twice out loud

Ten words I read but cannot say

Of that I am extremely proud.

I'm always keen to add some more

New languages are what I seek

I want to add Esperanto

To my list of those I can't speak.

Acquaintances are so impressed

Just when I open with hello

In lots of foreign languages

Tell waiters yes, (but can't say no).

I say what I know how to say

Hello, Hallo, ola, bonjour

The latter is French for good day, 

Of that, at least, I'm almost sure

They think because I know two words

I must be very brainy

At least I've got something to do

Like cross words, when its rainy.

I'm learning twelve new languages

Yes, strangers are impressed

Learn one new word, then confuse two

Before I'm even dressed.

When people ask, how many

I have a good reply

"How many can  you really speak?"

I smile and reply, "Why?"

"Are you glad you've met me?

Please remember my name

Just read my blogs and learn new words

Then you can do the same

"Alas you will not understand

Those who speak too fast

But sighing, 'I can't speak one word,'

Is in your long lost past."

You stare excitedly with me

Look in the same direction

On hearing, "Look, you look it up!"

Fun spreads like an infection

And if you are not understood

And you do not know why

At least in 12 languages

You quickly say goodbye.

I cannot teach you many words

I won't confuse with thirty

Just adios, and hej hej

Au revoir, arrivaderci.

-ends-

The last verse last two lines say goodby in Spanish, Danish, Swedish and Norwegian, French, and Italian.

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The poem title contains the word dia, Spanish for day, a pun on the English word dear, addressing the reader as dear, which sounds the same. Hear and dear rhyme, which is a clue. Dia is actually di-a, but near enough.

Comic and tragic sound the same. Strictly speaking, 

My Two Friends Had An Argument comic poem 216 by Angela Lansbury

Screaming from Wikipedia. Own Work of CozyThisOne.

My two friends had an argument

Both sent to me some texts unsent

Plus ambiguous texts they sent

Which didn't say quite what they meant

'A' said, 'Your friend 'B' wished me dead

My friend 'B' said, 'Not what I said 

It's just some nonsense in her head

- But now I do wish she were dead!'

A said, 'This group if full of snakes

I keep quiet, avoid heartbreak,'

All night her words kept me awake

I try my best, do what it takes

I try my best to sympathise

It's not that anybody tells lies

It's just the world seen through their eyes

Is circling round and upside down

I told her, 'Yes, best keep away

From those who might spoil your today

And try to push the past away

Find future, good thoughts, words to say ...'

I told my friend 'A', ''B' is ill

She really doesn't wish you ill

But like a sick dog bites a vet

Once she is well, she will forget

'I'm glad to be your go-between

Most are your friends, no-one is mean

But naturally oneself comes first

So everyone else comes off worst

'I tell you what you ought to do

Instead of threatening to sue

And saying what they'd better not do

Say what their friendship means to you

'Always shower them with praise

Say speaking to them lights your days

Soon you will find, instead of ill

Their words to you full of goodwill.

'Pretend that they are all your friends

Although it's just means to an end

You're smart enough to lie, pretend

Convince them you're still their best friend!'

I'm sure next week they'll both be friends

Go-between helps them make amends

Happened before. Now again - you'll see

Only one stays upset - that's me!

 -ends-

Copyright Angela Lansbury 2023 September 7th

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Reflections On Reflections comic poem 172

 I look at myself in the mirror 

What do I think of that? 

I think I am thin and beautiful 

Why does the mirror say that I'm fat? 

Reflections in the pool, Singapore. Photo by Angela Lansbury. Copyright. March 2023. 

I exercise while the day's still cool

I swim to get slimmer

I look at reflections in the pool

Kind tall trees wave, and weave and glimmer

I'm reflecting on the reflections

It's something new to do

Never mind, forget introspection

It's a lovely world for me and you

Why does the water reflect blue sky?

I read but I forget

Keep reading, one day I'll remember

Sadly. I haven't remembered yet

Someone stops to talk, reflects my mood

He's a cheerful neighbour

I reflect all interaction's good

Despite mad chats and weird behaviour

I reflect the time for swimming's past

I've stopped swimming, just float

I reflect I'm ready for my breakfast

Solid, secure, thoughtless, like a boat.

-ends-

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Tell Me Your Troubles Version 1

Do tell me all of your troubles
Deaths and divorces, don't ask mine
'cos I'll tell then regret it
I say too much, all the time

I'll tell the stranger on the train
Someone I'll never see again
So if they think I'm mad or bad
They won't say so and make me sad

I'll offload sadness and sorrow
To strangers who are gone tomorrow
Who won't still be there to remind me
So I can put it all behind me

But tell me all your troubles
So I can sympathise
I won't pretend I'm a success
No need to tell you polite lies

I won't tell you all my troubles
Revive what I'd rather forget
I don't dare tell uou the whole truth
Sometimes it's better not

Books talk about self-doubt
And the imposture syndrome
Ive come here for a holiday
To escape my problems at home

But I watch the woman confessing all
On stage, in poems, I sympathise
I want to tell you my truth and my lies
And share all with your smiling eyes.
-ends-
Written at Swanwick Writers' Summer School
Angela Lansbury copyright Aug Sunday 25 2019

Tell Me All Your Troubles version 2

Do tell me all of your troubles
Deaths and divorces, don't ask mine
'cos I'll tell then regret it
I say too much, all the time

I'll tell the stranger on the train
Someone I'll never see again
So if they think I'm mad or bad
They won't say so and make me sad

I'll offload sadness and sorrow
To strangers who are gone tomorrow
Who won't still be there to remind me
So I can put it all behind me

But tell me all your troubles
So I can sympathise
I won't pretend I'm a success
No need to tell you polite lies

I won't tell you all my troubles
Revive what I'd rather forget
I don't dare tell you the whole truth
Sometimes it's better not

Books talk about self-doubt
And the imposture syndrome
Ive come here for a holiday
To escape my problems at home

But I watch the woman confessing all
On stage, in poems, I sympathise
I want to tell you my truth and my lies
Unburden, share all with smiling eyes.
-ends-
Written at Swanwick Writers' Summer School
Angela Lansbury copyright Aug Sunday 25 2019

Song Hot Memories by Angela Lansbury

Hot Memories 
by Angela Lansbury

When I am hot

I go for a swim

It cools me down

And makes me thin

I went for a swim
But the pool was closed
So I ran in the gym
And I thought about him

He had a name
I can't forget
So I searched for him
On the Internet

I wrote to him
But he never replied
I used to wonder
If he had died

Over the years
I met other men
But I still dreamed
That we'd meet again

We'd both recall
Old memories
But life moves on
That's how it is

I'm glad that we met
We both would say
It's for the best
We part today

Fond memories
But love turns cold
It's long ago
We're both too old

I must admit
You look the same
So there's no point
In finding blame

Life has been kind
I can't complain
Goodbye old love
Let's meet again

Here's the problem
Here's the danger
Rapport takes time
We're now strangers

Life has been kind
I can't complain
Yet I still dream
We'll meet again.

-ends-
Old - different
Feb 23rd 2014
Copyright Angela Lansbury

Swimming Lesson by Angela Lansbury

Swimming Lesson

by Angela Lansbury

In Singapore I go to swim

In a giant blue swimming pool

Surrounded by tall green palm trees

And two long white lists of pool rules

They’ve covered almost everything

Which they are never permitting

No diving, food, drinks, nor footwear

No pets, balls, boards, boats, no - spitting!

***

I hear a mother calling, loud

So I turn my curious head

She says the last word two more times

I missed, heard, wrote down what she said:

“Why you so absent-minded, la!

Your towel robe, look, now all wet

You take it off before you swim

Why you, stupid, always forget?

“Why you so absent-minded, la?

Why I always have to watch you

Why you so absent-minded, la?

I busy, got so much to do

“Why you so absent-minded, la?

Why you not like your big brother?

What will you do when you grow up?

When no more father, no mother!

“Why I choose have two children, la?

Two children, see, work is double

Why I choose have two children, la!

Two always mean trouble double.”

My mother said the same to me

It must be fifty years ago

I thought my problems were unique

But they were not, as now I know.

-ends

copyright  Angela Lansbury 3rd April 2016, Sunday

Author’s note

Two Poems

This could be two separate poems but you need the first verse to set the scene and the lists of pool rules and mother’s rules are both ‘common sense’ which is not common to all children, but is common to many adults, most mothers and some swimming instructors.

Spitting

The writer overhears a swimming lesson but learns a lesson about parenthood.

Spitting - old joke. The listener may expect the rhyme to be another impolite word starting with s and ending with ing. The expectation is produced and underlined by the delay before saying the rhyming word, suggesting the author has changed their mind, or that the rude word is only in the mind of the listener. Spitting is both a suitable word (and one used in the list of rules) and a euphemism understood by adults but not necessarily by children.

Structure

I started with the introduction: who, what, where, when, why.

Then conversation. I overheard only the line about the wet towel. 

The boy in the lesson was probably the brother.

Singlish

The conversation language is Singlish. I heard la and added the other common Singlish phrases. For example, it’s mean which should be it means. Singlish is English as a second language, you could call it a dialect. Singlish mixes phrases directly translated from Mandarin, the majority language as the majority of the citizens are of Chinese extraction and Mandarin is the common Chinese language taught in schools and used for communication, although many speak other southern dialects such as Cantonese (language of Hong Kong) and Hokkien and Hakka.

Finally conclusion in both senses, end and lesson learned, the moral.

Revisions

Change verse one from tall green to peaceful.

Should it end I now know or now I know?

I now know adds to the surprise by putting the modifier now nearer the end. However, now I know is better rhythmically. 

On the other hand to change the rhythm at the end would emphasise the word now.

Just read it aloud and see what sounds most natural to you.