Bilingual Song, Chanson 370 by Angela Lansbury

The English say Paris

The French say paree

It's written the same

As you can surely see

Yes, yes, oui, oui

London, Paris

And gay Paree

 Some accents go up

Some accents go down

A hat means a lost S

But don't look around

Yes, yes, oui, oui

London, Paris

And gay Paree

You've heard of Franglais and Spanish

Ladino and Spanglish

Creole and Pidgin

And la! ma? That's Singlish!

Yes, yes, oui, oui

London, Paris

And gay Paree

But if it's problem minglish

Don't get in a state

Just use Google translate

Find Language - it's English

We've learned lots of words

What shall we do next

Like Hebrew, drop vowels

And write words in Text.

Yes, yes, oui, oui

London, Paris

And gay Paree

I love romance, languages

As you can see

But Chinese and Korean

Are all Greek to me

Yes, yes, oui, oui

London, Paris

And gay Paree

But, ja, ja, I know who you are

I recognize accents from all foreign lands

I learned Italian from Duolingo

I just  raise eyebrows and wave both hands.

Yes, yes, oui, oui

London, Paris

And gay Paree

Grateful, thanks

Gratuit, free

It's easy, facile

In gay paree.

-ends-

Copyright Angela Lansbury. 2024, January

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If I Were You, Fellow Traveller, comic poem number 350 by Angela Lansbury

 If I were you

I would speak Chinese

And not waste time

Saying thank you and please.

If I were the king

I'd make everyone speak the King's English

I'd ban Korean, and Greek

Bad Grammar, Creole, Russian, Vietnamese and Singlish. 

On second thoughts

We would learn Esperanto in school

An international language

Would be such a handy tool.

If I were you all the buses

And Sundays newspapers would be free

But f I were you

I would not be me

If I were a bee

I would make flavoured honey

Give beehives to every gardener and farmer

We'd all make lots more money

If I were a bird

I'd sing in tune, and parrot every word

Teacher's lessons repeated, re-heard

If I were not a bird-brained bird

If I were a horse

I would run fast of course

And neigh 'til I was hoarse

If I were an internet, animated, 3D horse

If I were a cat

I'd sleep on the mat

Catch mice as cat food, save money on that

If I were a cat

If I were a cloud

I could not laugh out loud

I'm sure it's not allowed

If you are a digital cloud

If I were a tree

How odd that would be

Much more animated than me

If I were overprinted on a 3D tree

If I were a fish

I'd swim in the pond or sea

Then be preserved in a car key ring

How lucky I am that I'm me.

Two colour suitcase in red and blue block colours. Photo by Angela Lansbury. Copyright.

If I made travel goods

And make them all block colours

To go with matching clothes

Yes, I really would

If we had to start again

Maybe we'd all be men

All cocks and no hens

Pack unisex clothes, if we had to start again

Lastly, if I were you

That would never do

You know that it is true

For I'm me, and you are you

If you were in this room

And not just on Zoom

You could stand on the balcony

And watch tropical flowers bloom

Travel websites, now we've thought about it

Always tell the truth, I know you'll never doubt it

The museums closes Mondays, but on the web we travel far

Today I travel online, and love things the way they are.

-ends-

As the old Irish jokes goes, when asked the way, a bystander replied, 'If I were you, I wouldn't start from here.'

Swimming Lesson by Angela Lansbury

Swimming Lesson

by Angela Lansbury

In Singapore I go to swim

In a giant blue swimming pool

Surrounded by tall green palm trees

And two long white lists of pool rules

They’ve covered almost everything

Which they are never permitting

No diving, food, drinks, nor footwear

No pets, balls, boards, boats, no - spitting!

***

I hear a mother calling, loud

So I turn my curious head

She says the last word two more times

I missed, heard, wrote down what she said:

“Why you so absent-minded, la!

Your towel robe, look, now all wet

You take it off before you swim

Why you, stupid, always forget?

“Why you so absent-minded, la?

Why I always have to watch you

Why you so absent-minded, la?

I busy, got so much to do

“Why you so absent-minded, la?

Why you not like your big brother?

What will you do when you grow up?

When no more father, no mother!

“Why I choose have two children, la?

Two children, see, work is double

Why I choose have two children, la!

Two always mean trouble double.”

My mother said the same to me

It must be fifty years ago

I thought my problems were unique

But they were not, as now I know.

-ends

copyright  Angela Lansbury 3rd April 2016, Sunday

Author’s note

Two Poems

This could be two separate poems but you need the first verse to set the scene and the lists of pool rules and mother’s rules are both ‘common sense’ which is not common to all children, but is common to many adults, most mothers and some swimming instructors.

Spitting

The writer overhears a swimming lesson but learns a lesson about parenthood.

Spitting - old joke. The listener may expect the rhyme to be another impolite word starting with s and ending with ing. The expectation is produced and underlined by the delay before saying the rhyming word, suggesting the author has changed their mind, or that the rude word is only in the mind of the listener. Spitting is both a suitable word (and one used in the list of rules) and a euphemism understood by adults but not necessarily by children.

Structure

I started with the introduction: who, what, where, when, why.

Then conversation. I overheard only the line about the wet towel. 

The boy in the lesson was probably the brother.

Singlish

The conversation language is Singlish. I heard la and added the other common Singlish phrases. For example, it’s mean which should be it means. Singlish is English as a second language, you could call it a dialect. Singlish mixes phrases directly translated from Mandarin, the majority language as the majority of the citizens are of Chinese extraction and Mandarin is the common Chinese language taught in schools and used for communication, although many speak other southern dialects such as Cantonese (language of Hong Kong) and Hokkien and Hakka.

Finally conclusion in both senses, end and lesson learned, the moral.

Revisions

Change verse one from tall green to peaceful.

Should it end I now know or now I know?

I now know adds to the surprise by putting the modifier now nearer the end. However, now I know is better rhythmically. 

On the other hand to change the rhythm at the end would emphasise the word now.

Just read it aloud and see what sounds most natural to you.