Fusspots Stop At The Door. Comical poem 765 by Angela Lansbury.

Door knocker. Photo by Angela Lansbury. Copyright.

A fusspot knocks, stops at the door

She said, 'Sorry, I won't come in

I've seen enough of your clutter 

Half of this should go in the bin

Shelf showing old books, certificates from speech contest, and awards. Photo by Angela Lansbury.

'Your hallway makes me feel ill

It looks like you've been in a war

Shelves of ornaments.' 'Vital bills,

Prizes.' 'Shoes all over the floor.'

My spouse said, 'Our milk's become cheese

I've swept the floor, cleared up the dirt.

Vintage? Dated jackets and skirts!

Why are you looking cross and hurt?'

I'm tired, sick, the house still a mess

It takes an hour to shower, dress

I've tidied the desk, I'm doing my best

On teaching days, ignore the rest

After meeting fusspot, I'd felt depressed

Next day, gone noon when I got dressed

Five! Welcomed small pupils inside

One girl, so sweet, I nearly cried

Large red fan on wall. Photo by Angela Lansbury. Copyright.

'My goodness,' she said, 'a huge fan!

'What a house, full of foreign stuff

There's so much to see and discuss

Just an hour here isn't enough

'I love your smiley door knocker

The pictures and hooks in the hall

You've more books than a library

You did those paintings on the wall!

Self portrait by Angela Lansbury. Photo by Angela Lansbury.

'Colours like a birthday party

Like Christmas day in a toy shop

A doll's house, so much to touch, do

I  won't stop coming to see you

Tall dolls' house. Photo by Angela Lansbury.

'My home is clean, empty, and dull

When my homework's done, I feel bored

You've always time to talk, listen

Mum's so busy, I feel ignored

'Your house is just the very best

Every room is full of treasure

It's fun, exciting, yet a rest

Visiting you is such a pleasure.'

-ends-

Five means five o'clock. After school tutoring.

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My Tooth's Life Expectancy. Comical poem 744 by Angela Lansbury

 

My dear friends, I must tell the truth

My problem is a broken tooth

A hole won't bite, it doesn't chew

It does no good for me, nor you

Lost molar teeth will not be missed

They do not stop you being kissed

They're not on anyone's wish list

But they bring business to dentists

The dentist smiles 'though I look glum

A root canal costs a large sum

You pay more if it's quickly done

You're sedated, so you can't run

 

Holes do not help you smile, you pout

Things could get worse, I have no doubt

Why does a loose tooth hang about?

I hope that it will not fall out!

I've searched around the internet

And haven't found the answer yet

Some of the options I have found

Best, composite filling; worst, a crown

Stop grinding teeth, what'll be will be

No alcohol, coffee, nor tea

Salt water gargle, soft as silk

And store the broken bit in milk

What more can I do, beside

Picking toothpaste with fluoride?

It's bad news my bones are crumbling

Life expectancy is tumbling

I asked a clairvoyant nearby

'How long before teeth and I die?

I'm eighty.' 'Twenty' was her reply.

'Good news,' I gasped. 'That's plenty!'

-ends-

Please share links to your favourite poems.

I asked a clairvoyant nearby

How many years

The Tea In Your Coffee Cup comical poem 669 by comic Angela Lansbury

  The tea in your coffee cup

Is important, drink it up

Add some milk if it's too hot

Drink it quickly if it's not

The coffee in your tea cup

Is important, drink it up

The cups are neatly labelled

But temporarily disabled

I try to hide what is inside

It's not like coffee-tea on a plane

You drink that twice if you're insane

I never complain, but don't drink it again

-ends-

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Precious Perfume comical poem 591 by Angela Lansbury

 What are the words describing smell?

Perfume, aroma, smell, poo, stink 

 I can tell I'll describe each well

Just sniff a flower, need not think

Roses in pale pink and drak pink. Photo by Angela Lansburyl Copyright.

I love herbs, I cut rosemary

Mint grows green along the border

The catalogues are temping me

Not dried herbs, new plants to order

But better still, describe each rose

The way you sniff, breathe in and out

The colour, pink, soothes, wrinkling nose

It's sweet, and deep. Fridge food brings doubt

Is this milk off? It's sour, not right

There's something bad about this smell

I ought to get my money back

If they refuse, I'm going to fight!

That house is musty, smells of mould

With spider's webs, rubbish, decay

It's dusty, dirty, very old

Don't buy it. Let's go away

Why's the baby loudly crying?\

It smells odd, so no-one's happy

It s just fed well, it's not dying

It smiles, smells sweet, a new nappy

At airports skip happily round

Testers, try musk, whisky, honey

I breathe in - exhilarating!

And so it should be, for that money

My friend has bought a case of smells

It seems a waste of money

I could create the smae thing from

My fridge, mustard, garlic, honey

With spray I can pefume my room

With lavender, rose or lemon

Freshly cooked bread is welcoming

Smells and tastes of earthly heaven.

-ends-

When buying roses for our front garden, I did not use a catalogue. I went to a garden centre to sniff the roses. I did not want to buy roses which look good with no aroma. Some catalogues will tell you which roses have an aroma. However, if you have the opportunity, its's better to buy one which you know smells great.

What can a baby do for you? Comic poem 121

What can a baby do for you?

It cannot talk, that much is true

It can wriggle, it can scream

And smile at some deep, hidden dream

Every new parent wonders why

A baby's first word's just a cry

One day, I hope it's not too late

A baby will communicate

A robot will say if it's happy

Hot or cold, please change my nappy

I'm tired, I am about to die

I'm cross - but have no idea why

I want to sleep

Please go away

I'd like a hug

But not today

I know you

I've seen you before

I like to throw things

On the floor

I like this milk

Now give me more

I do not like this lullaby

I love Mum but do not know why

I like Mum and I like Dad

I like Babygrows and mittens

I like milk and I like kittens

All in all, life isn't bad

I like lying on the floor

When I can walk I'll do much more

What is a spoon for, and a fork?

I can't wait to walk and talk!

-ends-

Drink, Drink, Drink - water

Drink, d-rink d-r-rink, water

I'm scared to tell you what I think
On holiday give up the drink
You'll lose your passport, Dad, son, daughter
Just stick to juice, milk, tea, or water.

In strange places stay alert
To be sure that you don't get hurt
Make sure that you avoid a fight
Don't walk into a tree at night

Drink, drink, drink water
Drink, drink, drink water

You bought a bottle then ordered a magnum
Went on to hoist a jereboam
You cannot drink all that alone
Call a taxi, let's go home

The local drink is very strong
They drink it, so what could go wrong?
You do know that they don't live too long?
No wonder they sing such bad songs.

After a drink you feel alive
Except you're not allowed to drive
You sing well, tell jokes and hear laughter
But find the toilet's too far after.

You buy a round, what could go wrong?
Nothing, until the money's gone
Remember your child, what you taught her
Sit down, shut up, drink your water.

-ends
Copyright Angela Lansbury 2018
Please read the posts on my travel blog
travelwithangelalansbury
You'll find lots of irony and subtle humour. Please share links to my posts with your friends and family.

10 Egg Tricks - and an egg poem which I was egged on to write

I'll have to beg

I'll have to beg
You to go shopping for a pint of milk
Another box, I need another egg
I shall reward you with a great surprise
Not just an egg, a shape to please your eyes

It's just five minutes walk, my dear
It's exercise, not losing a whole day
Besides, I have a secret plan
Something I'll do while you're away

Please don't suspect I'll phone another
Friend, or mother, or waste time watching porn
Trust me, I have a tea-time plan
I promise something new will soon be born

I long for your return each time we part
I shall create messages of love upon the plate
For cookery is just another love, another art
To give, and to receive, an egg - shaped like a heart!
-ends-
Angela Lansbury. Copyright. 2017. Wed 2nd August.

Poem: Raisin Children

Raisin Children 

By Angela 

 Years ago the day started with bacon and egg 

If you wanted some more you did not need to beg 

A big breakfast's a dream, 

in our new healthy scheme 

Hotel buffets, tut-tut, cost a fat arm and leg 

 Thank you, darling, for starting our breakfast with fruit 

As a sat in my silk wrap and clean birthday suit 

For more, "seconds?" we plead, as we lick the last seed As pleased picking out nuts as pirates listing loot 

A big spoon makes your milky porridge go faster 

A small spoon makes your dwindling porridge go laster 

How much food do you need? 

No, it isn't just greed 

Food is fun - plus emotional sticking plaster. 

 copyright Angela Lansbury Jan 4th 2017 

Just in case anybody missed it, there's a pun on raising children and raisin children, children raised on raisins, the modern fad for fruit and nuts. 

Costing an arm and a leg, meaning a lot of money, is also taken literally to mean making you fat. 

I hope you enjoy the alliteration: big breakfast, seconds and seek, pleased picking and pirates, listing loot, small spoon, food and fun, seconds and seed. 

Also notice assonance and rhyme: silk and milk, egg and beg and leg, dream and scheme, buffet and tut tut, buffet and fat, sat and wrap, plead and seed, need and greed, faster and laster, and plaster.