We Happily Met On the Internet Then He Asked Me For Too Much Money (part 2) 597 comic poem/song - how I revised my song

 Version 2 comical poem by Angela Lansbury

I met you on the internet

You sent a link, to meet on zoom

I set alarms, must not forget

 Frantic, tidy my messy room

I'd well prepared washed my long hair

I found short jokes, cut canned laughter

Threw dice to choose ten tops to wear?

Poured a whisky glass of  - water

Background Checks

Two strangers had a bad moment

A sensible moment of doubt

I checked on you on - everywhere

I hoped you, too, had checked me out

PR &SALES

In PR and sales, you're no fool

You asked me, 'Are you ready?

'Are you prepared to follow rules?''

'Happy, solvent, thrifty, steady  

TEACHERS

I knew mentors ask for money

It's what good teachers deserve

You must pay more for good honey

 I said, 'No, Wait.' I'd lost my nerve

PRICES

It seems a very large amount

So I'm waiting for a discount

I wait to hear tips as you speak

And ask how much it costs per week

Maybe one day I shall return

If money fell from heaven

For what you teach and I could learn

At sale prices like Seven Eleven

 SALES OPTIMIST

Once you have given your sales pitch

Don't despair, you're not in the ditch

Although a slow sale is a hitch

Just one in ten can make you rich

Maybe today they got the sack

Just wait til they are on the track

If you can offer what they lack

Maybe one day, one will come back

***

PROMISES & DREAMS

Some promise you a wedding

Some help you with divorce

Some promise you a fortune

Spend a fortune on a course

Then we'll meet on the internet

I'll open my file, teach you to smile

Our happy song will make us strong.

You'll pay me. Do you want to bet? 

-ends-

I added questions for suspense. I ended on a positive note. I changed the rhyming scheme from aabb, too predictable, to abab.

I changed won't take long, rather a weak phrase containing two negatives, won't and take long, to make us strang which is more positive.

won't forget is also a negative, double negative. But ir rhymes with intenet.

Set an alarm to not forget, a piece of history, or advice for children and adults. Not right for a song. A celebratory song, a song of ups and downs.

I changed set an alarm to not forget, which is mundane, changed to afraid to forget, adding emotion.

I set alarms Must not forget.

I started this thinking of an internet romance.The plot morphed into a business relationship, or an educational relationship in which the pupil overtakes the teacher. It's really what you want it to be, all kinds of internet relationships everywherer all day long.

A Day Without Laughter comic poem number 506 by Angela Lansbury

 

Charlie Chaplin. Picture from Wikipedia. Public domain.

A day without laughter 

Is a day wasted, said 

The great Charlie Chaplin

And so I have pasted

A series of good jokes

On my fridge's full door

The office wall, bedroom,

Plus the ceiling and floor

I don't need to read them

I smile at the paper

If I need a cheer up

The laughter comes later

I'm writing to tell you 

That's what you, too, should do

May his wish for smiling 

And more laughter come true.

-ends-

In Praise Of Short Poems

The most memorable verses are just one verse of four lines or a rhyming couplet.

I reached the natural end of this poem here. Four verses. Concise. Simple message and joke. Then I had afterthoughts and added another four verses about writing jokes for birth, marriage and death. I have on two or three memorable occasions been told by President Edward at Toastmasters International speakers' club, Online Dynamic, that my speech was long, over time, and complicated, a mixture of two messages. I had two speeches. 

As I began to write more verses of this poem, I thought, this could be a second poem about jokes from birth to death via weddings. I cut the the extra verses and made them into a second poem. 

That was a great improvement. If I had a longer spot, I could read both as one long poem or two short poems. Or one poem and the other as the encore, but on a related theme to the first. A good message for myself and other poets, and event organisers, and book editors.

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Tick Tock comic poem 484 by Angela Lanabury

 Tick tock, like tinnitus, can you all hear

Christmas carols call like a ticking clock?

What is the date? Gift stocking can't be late

Dusk's dark as midnight - but it's only five

The elves and rheindeer grin on socks

To brighten up the end of year

All kinds of chocolates on the plate

And gifts galore to buy and give

Tesco gifts Grinchmas. Photo by Angela Lansbury.

I'm half asleep, and yawning, half alive

Santa's red and white hats fill tinselled shops

Wearing heavy, hooded coats, we still strive

To sparkle until winter flu strike stops.

Lights on lamp posts in Hatch End. Photo by Angela Lansbury. Copyright.

White lights wound round lamp posts brighten our streets

Past pickpockets, join jolly shopping crowds

Shops fill with tempting chocolate Christmas treats

Dream of diet-free days when pud's allowed.

Tesco shopping at Clubcard prices for Curtis the Cavapoo plush. Photo by Angela Lansbury. Copyright.

In January masochists will go

To countries blessed with even worse, deep snow

Well after Fall, when snowflakes are falling

Sales start, ski brochure bargains are calling.

Christmas crackers give jokes, mottoes, and rhymes

While others fly to warmer, palm tree climes

I wrap like snowmen, wait for happy times

When wise, kind clocks leap forward to summer time.

-end-

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How Many Laughs? (To Encourage Comedians)

How many Laughs?
by 'Hazel nutter'
also known as Angela Lansbury

Today I decided I ought to save
My great jokes to leave beyond the grave
If you can't yet sing, song-write or paint
No use dreaming what you could create

The only thing that we all can do
If we can't tell lies from what is true
When lawyers and tax split your pennies in half
The only thing you can leave is a laugh

How many laughs will you leave behind
Can you entertain the deaf and blind
The widow and the widower
The employee and the employer

The orphaned, lonely, or crowded out
The undecided and deeply devout
To entertain both him and her
And those confused but willing to share

Those who frown with pencil raised
And those who gush with endless praise
And those who curse, this isn't verse
And those who shrug, it could be worse

The paralysed and the amputee
Examiner and examinee
Not only them but you and me
Yes, we, often neglected, ordinary

How much time do you need to spend
Making sure that you don't offend
One puzzled, cross, glaring or staring
In the crowd of those gleefully nudging and sharing

Will you leave behind a simple snigger
A smile and nod - or something bigger
Repeating jokes often told before
But twisted to add a tickle more

A laugh as loud as a deep guffaw
That's sure to rise to a riotous roar
A joke winning friends, raising funds for a cause
Extended 'til givers give you applause

For children, toddlers, women and men
A joke once heard, often re-told, again
Which sends a smile to brighten a day
A smile which stays wide and won't drift away

I would love to be one of the best
I can't help smile when I think of Mae West
Her jokes are subtle, though slightly rude
Her jokes grow good health, they're mental food

How many laughs can you leave behind
Let them tumble joyfully out of your mind
Write, spread joy's what you're meant to do
The returning reader who laughs could be you..
-ends-
28 April 2020 

Drink, Drink, Drink - water

Drink, d-rink d-r-rink, water

I'm scared to tell you what I think
On holiday give up the drink
You'll lose your passport, Dad, son, daughter
Just stick to juice, milk, tea, or water.

In strange places stay alert
To be sure that you don't get hurt
Make sure that you avoid a fight
Don't walk into a tree at night

Drink, drink, drink water
Drink, drink, drink water

You bought a bottle then ordered a magnum
Went on to hoist a jereboam
You cannot drink all that alone
Call a taxi, let's go home

The local drink is very strong
They drink it, so what could go wrong?
You do know that they don't live too long?
No wonder they sing such bad songs.

After a drink you feel alive
Except you're not allowed to drive
You sing well, tell jokes and hear laughter
But find the toilet's too far after.

You buy a round, what could go wrong?
Nothing, until the money's gone
Remember your child, what you taught her
Sit down, shut up, drink your water.

-ends
Copyright Angela Lansbury 2018
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Funny Flowers In The Snow

It's sunny, then it's snowing
I see new flowers in the snow
The weather has confused them
I wonder if the dumb things know

They're silly, but they're pretty -
Now the sun's come out again!
I suppose they had a nice drink
From this morning's dismal rain

The whole world is a cemetery
The dinosaurs are turned to stone
But we've got cute little plastic ones
To please keen kids in every home

The pharaohs left a lot behind
Dead bodies wrapped in gold
Paintings on floors and ceilings
Great, cursed wonders to behold

The Romans with their weapons
Left their helmets, walls, old stones
Left their language, their heritage
Their glory, gravestones, meatless bones

Scary Vikings under London's buildings
Plague victims under passing trains
Madame Tussaud's, pop stars and horror
Some things best not seen again

Yes, the whole world's a cemetery
Great-grandparents buried underground
Just as well, they wouldn't like it
With our neighbour's loud jazz sounds

After my life's rollercoaster
I don't want to leave you tears
Better some jokes and laughter
To help you struggle through your muddled years

Yes, the whole world is a cemetery
Know we're all built on crumbled past
As we've been taught, life is too short
Most things, thank God, do not last

Shut your eyes, in prisons, hospitals
So in your last dark hours
In your mind paint pretty pictures
Of the stupid, happy flowers

Be mindful, in the present
Watch where you leap, step, go
But when in doubt, remember
Daft, sweet flowers in the snow.

copyright Angela Lansbury Feb 15 2018