Funny Hats and Cats. Comical poem 854 by Angela Lansbury

Angela Lansbury. Selfie.

 I don't care if you're thin or fat

I love it if you wear a hat

A funny hat or funny cap

Amusing slogans, cartoon cats

Colourful clothes which make me laugh

Two matching tee-shirts, each one half

Even repeating an old joke

But better if it is bespoke

Making me laugh at me or you

Or silly things which people do

Souvenirs from train stations

All nations, start conversations.

-ends-

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Fabulous Food For the Festive Season comical poem 703 by Angela Lansbury

 It is always good 

To talk about food

A little something

To make you feel good

I like to chatter

About foods which matter

You ought to eat healthily

Even if you're not wealthy

Some food makes you fatter

Like sugar and batter

Whilst salads will slim you

To fit clothes which flatter

I start with something

That's good for my heart

A grapefruit with red cherry

Some like sherry to make merry

I like a Prosecco

From warm Italy

Or a Cava from Spain

Or Champagne's fine by me

We like to eat fish

Three times weekly, a dish

We never forget

To add some courgettes

And we're never mean

With well-cooked aubergine

I praise the good cook

For the care which he took

Potato in its jacket

Is easy to bake

Soy sauce in a packet

A minor mistake

End with a surprise

Christmas pud, or mince pies

At three, the king's speech

Will he praise, thank, teach or preach?

For high tea, Christmas cake

If we're all still awake

We'll all diet, I believe

Until New Year's Eve.

I hope old friends will say

'You're looking good!'

And my husband won't quip 

'Like a Christmas pud!'

-ends-

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The Magic Letter E comical poem 515 by Angela Lansbury

Magnifying glass. Photo by Angela Lansbury. Copyright.

I love the magic letter E

Like digging with a trowel

The letter e does work for you

It changes every vowel

The magic letter E

Is friends with you and me

I sometimes wonder, hey

What does the E do to the A?

It turns hat to hate

Turns pet rat to rate

It turns at to ate

Turns my fat to fate

I sometimes wonder why

You use E after I

It turns lit to lite

But turns spit to spite

It turns Mick to Mike

It turns lick to like.

What does E do to O

I've tried so now I know

It turns ho into hoe

It turns do into doe

It turns to into toe

What does it do for you?

Turns US tru to true

A girl called Su will sue

A French cru for the crew.

And at sea you can see

To be or not to be a bee

It's helpful and it's free

That magic letter E.

-ends-

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Hello, Santa, Ho, Ho, Ho comic poem 360 by Angela Lansbury

 Santa's in the shopping mall

Santa in the grotto

Nowadays you have to pay

I wonder what's his motto?

Santa's sleigh isin the high street

Singing and ask for money

So he can give to others

Don't you think that's funny?

You don't tell kids it's make believe

In school or in a church

Don't say it's Mum and Dad who love you

They will leave you in the lurch

I don't know what a Iurch is

But we wear our Santa hats

We don't believe but party

Like the geese we're gettig fat

Fancy Dress at Tanglin Club, Singapore.

HOD toastmasters International club, Chantal, bilingual in French and English, wearing a santa hat, Angela Lansbury in a Xmas jumper. Sent from Chantal. Photo from Angela Lansbury. Copyright.

 We wear our Xmas jumpers

The Americans say sweaters

You can buy one in Asda

And read the ho ho letters

Is it wrong to wear a symbol

Who's got rights to green and red?

A pagan, season symbol

A red hat upon my head

Let's just enjoy the great goodwill

Let's not think too much about it

Worrying might make you ill

So don't worry and don't doubt it.

Christmas is the season

Of presents, sales, and cost

Santa is the symbol

Of goodwill he is the boss

A pagan symbol, dark green holly

Americans opt for candy canes

Oh, well, might was well by jolly

Joyeux anniversaire again..

-ends-

I Have To Start Somewhere comic poem by Angela Lansbury 187a

I turn on the Zoom

And what do I see?

Some funny faces

All looking at me!

Some sit in smart suits

And some look quite odd

But they stare at me

As if I'm a God!

Some are my old friends

And some must be new

Some look familiar

But I have no clue

 Some  people are hot

Some people are cold

Some wide-eyed, so young

Some wrinkled, gray, old

Some silent and shy

Sit back with clasped hands

Some bright, forward, bold

When asked, wave hands

One speaks upside down

Teeth glow in the dark

A dog in a mask

Drags  twins round a park

One poet's fat, in sparkling pink

One strokes a long, white divided beard

One is pouring a frothing drink

No, they're not, as weird, as I feared

I do hope, my darlings

I've caused no offence

I swear, I don't swear

That was not what I meant

That was not my intent

Some have been slimming

Just back from swimming

They shrug when losing

Smile wide when winning

I am not perfect

But have a good plan

When things go haywire

Change subjects, you can

Some leaders look warm

Some stay calm and cool

Some fine as wine, wise

Or well-meaning fools

I hear clocks ticking

I'll read you what's new

I have lots to say

My poems aren't few

Maybe you wonder

Where we are going?

Wait 'til I tell you

You've no way of knowing!

My words like balloons

Words float like bubbles

We're carried away

Forget our troubles

Word rivers flowing

Coming and going

We've so much to do

I reach out to you

I won't give you fears

I won't give you tears

I collect laughter

Joy heard through the years

Soon I must move on

Soon we'll all be gone

But in a small while

I'll leave - a big smile,

-ends-

The word leave in the last line is ambiguous. leave the room, but also leave behind warm, happy smile

The Extravert Meets The Introvert comic poem 163 by Angela Lansbury

 by Angela Lansbury

Spot the extravert. Photo by Angela Lansbury.

The extravert and the introvert

What are they going to do?

The sooner we know, the better

To predict the links from me to you

Extravert or introvert?

How do you recognize?

Extravert or introvert

Doesn't depend on their size

The extravert laughs loudly

And runs to shake your hand

The extravert's the solo singer

The other hides at the back of the band

When it comes to taking a picture

The introvert plays second fiddle

Takes the photo, stands to the side

The extravert pushes into the front - and the middle!

An introvert wears gray or black

He or she hardly speaks at all

Go and inspect their hand writing

Hard to read, the letters are all - too small

What puzzles analytic me

What's contradictory and strange

Is experience or training

Over years, can make both exchange

I was born a shy, only child

I was an introvert, small girl

Then I grew old, fat and jolly

Strutting and shouting to the world

I stayed alone at home, tearful, alone

I wrote dark thoughts, folded the page

Now I'm smiling and wearing red

Standing and dancing, centre stage

An introvert or extravert

Two striking words which chime and rhyme

Kind extravert meets introvert

Both have their right place and good time.

-ends

Poem by Angela Lansbury. Preview for book edited by Carolyn Street.

At The Wedding - A Parent's View

My goodness - they have filled the room

With exes of the bride and groom

I've got a lot that I could say 

But they would wish I'd stayed away

I could say that she's been around

I could say he's hard to tie down

I could say, I really worry

I could ask them, what's the hurry?

I could say, yes, she is a dear

You should have married her last year

I could have asked, what took so long?

Those ons and offs!  Now, what went wrong?

They won't let me give a speech

At top table we're out of reach

Our chief job is to sit and smile

Not tell the bride to run a mile

I sat and read the seating list

I've noted all the good  friends missed

But out of that small, happy crowd

When they said their vows, who laughed so loud?

 I saw the tall, wheelchairs, the small, 

The old, the young, the thin, the fat, 

That girl who wore the biggest  hat, 

The usher with no tie, nor hat 

They say our son is quite a catch

They don't say my hat doesn't match

It's what it is, not what it ain't

Because the room's too hot - I faint

I sit down. But soon recover

Looking pale like a grandmother

Our minister, we'd two, now one

Just carries on until he's done

We've donned finest hats and dresses

For two hours forget all stresses

A voice declared them man and wife

In other words, you're stuck for life

We're off to lunch to eat our fill

Just pay the bill, son, change your will

You two are now hitched up for life

Politely called a man and wife

The best man, who should be on guard

To stop a fight, is trying hard

Best man's a Dad and looking thin,

 His girl's had five - they live in sin

Thee best man wore a funny hat

He stood up, his first joke fell flat 

He hints secrets he'll never tell

Unless he's drunk - let's wish them well!

The groom is swaying, too, I think

He must have had too much to drink

He's lots to hide from his new bride. 

Her parents, and exes beside 

I've got so much I want to say

I'll leave it till another day

I won't tell them all that I know

I'll never say, I told you so.

She chose to forsake all other

Mother, father, sister, brother

He never heeded our advice

Although we told him once, then twice

Once married, he will quickly find

His wife will want to change his mind

On everything he thought was right

What he buys and does, dawn 'til night

Yet she will think the same is true

Once being wed's no longer new

Though two can live as cheap as one

To overspend's now twice the fun

I'm not sure which one's the winner

Just McDonalds making dinner

I'm sure they'll muddle through somehow

Best news - it's not our problem now.

Photos show us in our glory

That picture tells half the story

The photos show how glad I feel

Her lot, like ours, not down at heel

There's no cost for simply bedding

But you need cash for a wedding

The newly-weds to work must set

To pay off all their wedding debt

I hope their marriage lasts a year

So I'll retire and disappear

We've a spare room, with junk, at home

If they want me, I'll Answerphone

Being a mother was quite tough

But I've survived hurdles and rough

I've done enough. But I can't quit -

They'll soon demand I babysit!

A wedding proves what we all know

All that can go wrong will do so

I hope that you'll give me applause

Was our wedding like yours - or worse than yours?

-ends-

Angela Lansbury Nov 15 2020

Poetry Revision Notes

The first draft improved after i made every line eight syllables

I made each verse end with a surprise

I changed 'and one or two others beside' to the more specific 

Her parents, and exes, beside

I changed

Two can get twice as little done

Alternative endings:

Our wedding was the same as yours

Was our wedding the same as yours?

About the Author

Angela Lansbury is the author of 20 books, 10 by traditional publishers, ten self-published through Lulu.com the print on demand system.

Angela's books include:

Poetry Workbook - A handy book for yourself or a friend who is a poet, adult or schoolchild. The poems are amusing and there's a handy guide to all the formats, such as the two main styles of sonnet, the numbers of syllables in haiku, villanelles and so on.

In addition to other posts on this blog, please bookmark and share linkes with your colleagues and friends and family to the two  most written and most read of my other 20 blogs:

travelwtihangelalansbury.blogspot.com

dressofthedayangela.blogspot.com