The Food Which Isn't What It Says (Comic poem 131)

Two uncles who belonged to me

Were vegetarian with a small v

They argued and that puzzled me

What's Vegan? Spelled with a capital V!

They disagreed on what to eat

Though both agreed in horror seeing meat

Ron wouldn't have fish near his dish

Milk, yogurt, eggs, cheese - made Mo leave his seat

But soon I came to understand

That leather chairs and eating meat's been banned

They didn't just like food which was bland

My mum's funeral tea should've been planned

Ron didn't care about his health 

Research said less meat, more fruit's good for minds

Poor people's food - now organic means wealth

That's true. No-one knew! But it grew by stealth

In wartime we ate dreadful Spam

Fresh chicken for the rich, plebs ate sliced ham

Meat sausages were a half bread scam

Now we're confused by turkey ham

At Easter time our diet begs

Don't feast on chocolate easter eggs

And worst of all, the dreadful habit

Of making children eat a chocolate rabbit

Cucumber sandwiches pleased aunts

Now menu writers must dance in a trance

First cows and pigs were replaced by cooked ants

Now menus offer 'meat' made from strange plants

We're invited out to a restaurant that's Indian

The biriani tastes of chicken

The menu describes what we eat as 'meat'

But it's tofu and plants, all vegetarian.

-ends-

Useful Websites

Vegetarian Products to buy, mock fish, mock meat, mock cheese

https://vbites.com/collections/all-products

Vegetarian Restaurant with mock meat menu

https://komalavilas.com.sg/

Written after eating at Kamala Vila, vegetarian restaurant at Little India, Singapore.

In memory of Uncle Ronnie, mother's brother, who was vegetarian, and Uncle Monty, who was vegan.

Angela Lansbury's late Uncle Ronald. Worked in the BBC radio orchestra. Also known as Arthur Gerard, musician and entertainer: - Performed at Hatfield House medieval banquets (as a strolling musician?). Appeared in pantomime. Was the conductor in a video with The Kinks. Colour-blind, sensitive, suicidal vegetarian.

Vegetable picture from istock. Also see Pixabay for free photos.

Play With Puppy Dogs (Comic Poem 130)

Buy a puppy

it won't fail

to greet you with

a wagging tail

Every day

Start with a walk

A one to one

Private talk

You can be sure

it listens well

Your secrets it

Will never tell

Don't lose it

Fit it with a bell

And a collar with 

Your name as well

And to make sure

That it trots home

A dog bed, water

And a bone

Its nose sniffs down 

Along the ground

Its big ears hear

The smallest sound

You never need

Be bored at all

Play catch and fetch

A doggie ball

And when it passes

You'll be fine

They breed lots more

To the same design.

-ends-

A Great Gram of Grammar From Grandma (Comic Poem no 129)

 In future I think I should teach the past 

Put rules in poems, so that they will last 

Better than rules are words you can copy

You say what I say; we'll both be happy. 

Do you see now what I saw yesterday?

Are you paying? Did you pay yesterday? 

We paid yesterday. We played yesterday. 

We practise what we've learned early each day.

D'you hear what I say? You heard what I said? 

Grandma's a widow. 'cause Grandpa was dead.

I wired up the lights. They hired and fired me.

I'm tired. He's tired. We're all tired - go to bed. 

I'm speaking. I speak. Yesterday I spoke. 10

I'm writing. I write. Yesterday I wrote. 10

I'm a teacher. I teach. Yesterday I taught. 11

I'm fishing. I like fishing. Look what I've caught! 11

I'm running. I run. Yesterday I ran. 

I'm winning. I win. Yesterday I won. 

I'm swimming. I swim. Yesterday I swam. 

I'm doing homework. Yesterday's task's done.

I hope you are listening. What have you learned? 

I hear the phone ringing. Tell me - who's phoned? 

I'll watch the toast. Yesterday it was burned. 

You keep watching it. Make sure it gets turned. 

You're spending my money. I've done the sums. 

We are out of cash. Let's hope something good comes.

What have you bought for me? What have you brought for tea? 

What shall I take bring? Please don't say anything.

Banks like to lend. The poor like to borrow. 

We love to spend. Don't think of tomorrow.

A library lends. Readers borrow books.

I hope this is cooked. We rely on cooks.

They're hearing. They hear. Yesterday they heard. 

D'you see what I mean? D'you get what I said? 

Did you read what I wrote? What have I read! 

They've all gone home. Was it something I said? 

Everybody knows where everyone goes. 

Does anyone know me? Who can show me?

Interesting books. I'm interested. 

I hope the grammar will stay in my head. 

Fight the good fight. Let's go. Turn off the light.

I was fraught, when I taught. It came to nought. 

He's a good speaker, gives lots of speeches. 

She told us a lot, knows what she teaches. 

Many and few are for things we can count 

How much, more or less, measures large amounts. 

I hope you've had fun. Now I have to run.

That's all. We've finished. She says we are done. 

-ends-

Humorous Poets, Songwriters and Singers (alphabetical list) + Ode to Invisible Poems (Comic Poem no 128)

A song is a poem set to music for a voice using tones and rhythm as well as pauses.

Ayres, Pam

'I'd have taken more care of me teeth'

Lansbury, Angela

Ode To Invisible Poems

Guess - what would your writer really like to be? 11

Known for last words, a famous comic poet 11

Alas, jokes aren't allowed engraved on gravestones 11

So nobody sad could read it nor know it 11

So I'll hurry to write couplets on cloud nine 11

And hope a hurricane will swiftly blow it 11

So it travels like ballons around the world 11

When workshy, look from your window and know it 11

I'd like to write it quickly, flowing and quick 11

So the dumbest can read it, when sick, or thick 11

Ideas to copy, images to pick 11

Let's kick phrases about, like a Lego brick 11

When you're blue, in the pink, look up to white clouds 11

Be inspired when you're thinking of busy me 11

The dreamer who wrote invisible poems 11

Sardonic, comic, bucolic poetry.11

(I wrote this on Wednesday 13th April, 2022.)

Carrol, Lewis

'Say what you mean and mean what you say.'

Holloway, Stanley, reciting Albert and the Lion

'What do you usually pay?'

Lear, Edward

• There was an Old Man with a beard,
  Who said, "It is just as I feared!—
  Two Owls and a Hen,
  Four Larks and a Wren,
  Have all built their nests in my beard!"
  • Book of Nonsense, Limerick 1 (1846).

Lehrer, Tom

'The Catholics hate the Protestants, and Protestants hate the catholics, and everybody hates the Jews'.

McGonagal, William 

The Tay Bridge disaster

Milligan, Spike 

Gravestone message: I told them I was ill. 

Responding to WW2 question from Harry Secombe, 'Have you seen a cannon?': 

Spike: 'What colour?'

Nash, Ogden

Candy is dandy but liquor is quicker.

Shel Silverstein 

(Wrote the song A Boy Named Sue)

Sherman, Allan 

(Hello, mother, hello father, here I am at Camp Granada)

Useful Websites

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Category:Humorous_poets 

http://www.shelsilversteinpoems.net/

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Marriott_Edgar

Stanley Holloway reciting Albert and the Lion

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oaw-savyK0s

https://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Tom_Lehrer

https://interestingliterature.com/2017/05/10-of-the-best-poems-about-insects/

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ogden_Nash

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Category:Humorous_poets

What Makes A Poem Funny? + Laughing (Comic Poem No 127)

 

Poems are written in several funny styles.

Absurd

The subject can be funny.

 It might be an everyday object glorified in a poem. 

A villain treated as a hero. 

An absurd situation. 

A twist ending. 

An exaggeration.

Limericks

• There was an Old Man with a beard,
  Who said, "It is just as I feared!—
  Two Owls and a Hen,
  Four Larks and a Wren,
  Have all built their nests in my beard!"
  • Book of Nonsense, Limerick 1 (1846).

Puns

Misunderstanding

Exaggerated fear

Exaggerated reaction to fear

Conflict

One-upmanship of a lowly person

Exaggerated emotion: anger, fear, hope, love

Exaggerated behaviour

Mocking danger

Inappropriate song (Save the last dance for me on the Titanic)

-ends-

Photo Laughter by David Shankbone from wikipedia

Laughing (Comic Poem by Angela Lansbury)

Some people prefer one on one

If they like to tickle

You can race around an audience

But audiences are fickle

You can make them laugh

With just a wink

If they've all had

Too much to drink

I could make them laugh en masse

If I gave them laughing gas

Don't confuse them with long facts

Just make them laugh and they'll relax.

How I count syllables + Can I Count You? (Comic poem 126)

 

If she likes a big banana 8

She will quickly gulp it down 7

But if a new food disgusts her 8

She shows - throws it on the ground 7

When she chucks her milk bottle down 8

It's always a loud surprise 7

But my quick jumping up and down 8

Is good granny exercise 7

I always trust fate has a plan 8

So it's my fervent belief 7

Each day, each cry's a vital step 8

Signalling soon we'll see teeth 7

-ends-

I needed to know the maximum length at the start. It was eight syllables. No good having verses of nine and trying to crush them all into eight. If so you stay at nine or go up to ten. But if there's just one which is nine, and you can cut it, you settle on eight.

The last syllable which rhymes usually stays the same. However, I go through all the alternatives alphabetically. I might get a double rhyme (a rhyme half way along the line). 

Then you look at the other set of rhyming lines which alternate.

I started with several of the second and fourth lines being either six or eight syllables. I looked for alternative words to add or cut.

If I were doing a draft poem on a piece of paper I would write in the syllable count, sometimes in pencil so that it can be rubbed out.

I leave all the numbers in until I get to the end of the poem. That way, if I go off in the middle to make coffee, or answer the door or a phone, I don't have to recount to find where I was.

Useful Websites

Long article:

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Metre_(poetry)

Short article, hardly more than a definition:

https://simple.wikipedia.org/wiki/Meter_(poetry)#:~:text=Fundamentals,of%20stressed%20and%20unstressed%20syllables.

Can I Count On You?

by Angela Lansbury

I count on my friends

I count enemies and strangers

I count what I'm thankful for

Requests, wedding lists and dangers

I count all the syllables, 

I make sure I am in range

I count how much I have to spend

I check my bills. I count my my change.

I never count my changes. I do no count my drafts.

I count ribbons and successes

Some researchers counted laughs

I was one line short - never mind

I count the days to the weekend, I count speakers, 

I count on doing something like meeters and greeters

I count on you not to notice

This is not iambic pentameters.

Baby Teeth - Baby Food For Thought (Comic Poem 125)

I learned about food and first teeth 

From watching a small baby 

Although she doesn't yet possess 

A food vocabulary 

When she likes a favourite food 

She reaches out, keen for more 

Then when she's eaten quite enough 

She falls asleep - on the floor 

If she likes a big banana 

She will quickly gulp it down 

But if a new food disgusts her 

She shows - throws it on the ground 

When she chucks her milk bottle down 

It's always a loud surprise 

But my quick jumping up and down 

Is good granny exercise 

I always trust fate has a plan 

So it's my fervent belief 

Each day, each cry's a vital step 

Signalling soon we'll see teeth 

One day she'll grow her second teeth 

On her big day, I'm in line 

Old teeth will be treasured by me 

By that time I'll have lost mine! 

This granny will be tooth fairy 

Those teeth I buy won't be sold 

We should collect and keep first teeth 

For second smilehood when we're old. 

-ends-

Inspired by grand-child Ava who has two teeth and likes bananas.

Second smile hood is a pun on second childhood. I was thinking of toothless but thought smile was a more positive word.

Images

Baby teeth

Tooth fairy

dentures

Useful Websites

https://www.google.com/search?q=image+free+caricature+milk+teeth+tooth+fairy