I work hard, I lead such a busy life
Don't insult me, I'm not just a housewife
The dustpan hides, but no machine's meaner
Than my huge, heavy, clumsy, noisy, vacuum cleaner
It's twelve extensions stay a mystery
Three years struggle - deserves a PhD
I bravely turn the old waste disposal
Good. It works. Then I turn it off again
But it continues whirring. Whirring. No!
To God, then Google, I complain - explain!
I turn it on and off. Heat and loud noise
No luck I tut. I hear metallic cough
I don't want a new one, although it's old
Non-stops a fire risk. Silence would be gold
Why pay more. It clears, peelings, smelling mess
Turning on and off again often's best
That's the engineer's secret, we confess
Process of elimination - success.
***
I don't want my life to be all work and no play
I don't want to stay, so I go on holiday,
Wrong exit, drive miles, park, near tears, collapse
A kind man taps, 'Your phone has Google maps!'
In the conference centre I waste precious hours
This bathroom's designer never showers
People set off fire alarms, stayed dirty, scalded, grew old,
Trying to decipher, the hot wheels from cold
I won't bore you more with battles with doors
The treats you like burglars, treats you like fools
You must find and press a hidden button,
You find it, turn it, slide it, push door, then pull
In the bedroom there's no bedside table,
You must find your glasses when you're able
I don't like to complain, I don't want to be cruel
They've no table, spare chair, take a bar stool
Handy bibles, no sockets for your phone!
Other guests frown, so you are not alone,
A challenging week, you're too tired to speak
You've learned the system - it's time to go home.
-ends-
2024 Aug copyright Angela Lansbury
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