Censored Poems comical poem 545 by Angela Lansbury

I don't wish to hear a bad word

Which might invade my immune brain

'though I recognize all the bad words -

I do not want you to explain!

The problem is, I copy words

If I hear it once, I say it

I know you might find this absurd

When paid per word, yucks won't pay it. 

I do not wish to write a word

Which is vulgar, or slang or rude

'though nowadays it's often heard

One's status could be misconstrued

I've other ways to show my mood

Dictionaries give us lots of choice

Vinegar shouldn't drown brain food

Nor shouting show an icy voice

I admit words I deem taboo

Are scattered by the hoi polloi

A word acceptable to you

When used by me won't bring us joy

And so I censor all I write

'though passionate, no need to swear

I'd rather spread good news and light

Visions of angels with gold hair.

-ends-

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Illustration from wikimedia. Three wise monkeys.

Things I'd Rather Not Remember comical poem number 544 by Angela Lansbury

 I tried to help a lady

Why had Alzheimer's, to remember

I asked, 'Do you know if it is March or November?'

She laughed and shrugged

'There's lots of things I'd rather not remember'

I could not understand why 

She wanted to resist

The help which I was offering

So I worked through my list

'Do you remember, dear

The first time you were kissed?'

She said, 'There are a lot of things I'd rather not remember!'

I had no choice, it was my job, I had to persist

I asked, "Do you remember your first love?'

She sighed, 'I'd rather not remember

Frankly, there were lots of boys, whose memory's not missed.'

'But what about the sex? And your marriage in September?'

She shook her head, 'There's lots of things, I'd rather forget

You think I tell tall stories - you ain't heard nothing yet!'

She said, 'I wish I hadn't kept a diary

Bills, and lawyers' letters

My sister - and our court case

I'd rather forget her!

'I told you there are lots of things I'd rather not remember!'

I changed the subject. I said, 'You know we're heading for a snowy December?'

She said, 'I've already told you, I'd rather not remember.'

-ends-

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Picture of Three Wide Monkeys from Auckland Museum, New Zealand, in Wikipedia, under Three wise monkeys.

What Other People Write About comical poem 543 by Angela Lansbury

What other people write about

On days when they cannot go out

Most children write of simple things

Bikes, scooters, not safe swimming rings

Of playing games and silly names

Of buses, cars and trains and planes

About goldfish, big cats, small dogs

Not giggly things like jumping frogs

Teenagers write about first love

A kiss and the blind moon above

Later they write about love lost

Of drugs and fast cars, not the cost

Whilst lying in their single bed

They dream of one they wish they'd wed.

Parents write of their baby's smiles

Not dripping taps nor laying tiles.

Old people, some like to complain

Although there's lots they should explain

Their youth which won't come back again

Claim their life's full of sun - or rain

Now, poets, what do poets write?

Of how they sat up half the night

And tried to put the world to right

Telling what other people write.

-ends-

Photo of Angela Lansbury with large pencil.

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The Perfect Body comical poem number 542 by Angela Lansbury

 The human body's wonderful

Until something goes badly wrong

All bits of of me work perfectly

Until I try to sing a song

Angela Lasnbury with smiley face balloon. Photo by Angela Lansbury.

When others sing happy birthday

You wonder why I shut my mouth

And why I have bought thirty bras

Because some parts start going south

The heart is an amazing thing

Goes tick-tock like a wound-up clock

Runs the whole body happily

Till it decides enough, I'll stop

I'll sleep in - I don't need an alarm

At six a.m. I wake, sadder

I haven't yet had eight hours sleep

I'm woken by my busy bladder

Somewhere between distand childhood

And the fast race towards old age

My whole body goes out of tune

It's lost and sings from the wrong page

A baby learns to walk and run

 It learns to crawn, ignores a fall

Maybe Alzheimer's a blessing

So the old don't worry at all

No, when your step is unsteady

Just shrug it off and then maybe 

The world will stay a happy place

Meet challenges like a baby.

-ends-

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New Friends And Old Friends comical poem 541 by Angela Lansbury

 It's always good to find a friend

When you have a lot in common

But you can say, have a nice day

Even to a smiling moron.

Angela Lansbury in pirate outfit at a Christmas party for a Club. Photo by Angela Lansbury.

When you don't have a lot to do

Or when busy, in a hurry

A simple smile can make your day

And lift you out of your worry

Don't waste life, grumbling, spreading hate

To fill time when queues make you late

Find others to commiserate

Make friends with others forced to wait

A nod or wave won't make you late 

But puts you in a happy state

Do tai chi when you're stuck at home

With music on a telehone

A few kind words can make your day

If you find something good to say

So fill your days with words of praise

And recall smiles from yesterday.

A simple cure for baseless sorrow

Is note the good things of good days

Save them up to say tomorrow

Others will recall you with praise.

-ends-

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Adult Nursery Rhyme on Numbers, Trees and Birds comical poem number 540 - (536 revised,) by Angela Lansbury

 

 A nursery rhyme and repetitive song to teach English to children and non native speakers.

One Tree

My front window framed one bare tree

On the first of January

I took a photo and made a note

In my new five-year diary.

My five year diary. Photo by Angela Lansbury. Copyright.

Now in each March here's what I see

'One leafy branch high in the tree

On that high branch, moving, I see

One small bird hiding in that tree

 

'High in the sky I see one nest

In it, one bird's having a rest

Two birds start a cawing contest 

I wonder which of them sings best?' 

 

The next day's note was: 'Two fine trees

I checked their species. Both pine trees

The second housed one singing bird

Two birds, one more, that’s three I'd heard.'

 

On the internet on day three

I talked to my friend who's a kiwi

Beyond her window I could see

A mountain and one big palm tree.

On that tree what did I see?

'I saw coconuts, more than three

 I counted one, two, three and four

I counted, five, six, many more.'

 

On month four guess what I saw!

'In London outside our back door

Blossom on our green apple tree

Beside next door's red apple tree

 

Autumn's red apples beckoned me

'I called, “Look at that apple tree!”

My neighbour peered, “Yes, take one, please,

I hope you like it, dear, it’s free!" '

 

Some gardeners plant apple trees

Build or buy boats, catch fish at sea

Give away surplus, sell their skills

Some work two jobs, to pay their bills

 

I look out now - note what I see

'One small bird chirping in our tree

Happy calling, then a warning

Three tunes, for birds, not meant for me

'Dad likes green beans (I prefer peas) 

He hates tarts, sweets (leaves more for me!)

Grows apples, pears, plums, plants three trees

Serves fish from tanks, ponds, streams and seas

 

'Dropped from trees, in my lawn I found

Two small acorns, oval, width round

Years later, big oak trees rise

Cut to make chairs, of every size

                                 

'Their new swing's on their willow tree,'

'Two kinds of mint made strong herb tea,'

We grew sweet grapes on six grape vines.'

Four seasons, five years, happy times.

-ends-

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Drinks Good And Bad comical poem 539 by Angela Lansbury

 

Author Angela Lansbury with a glass of blush wine. Photo by Angela Lansbury. Copyright. 

Drink's not neutral, a loaded word

Sounds very bad or really good

'You don't drink enough water, dear'

Or 'more alcohol than you should'

A vital drink is refreshing

Eases sports injuries and pains

Too much, even water, is bad

A little seems good and gives gains

What helps a hedgehog to survive?

Milk helps newborn babes stay alive

Champagne for new year, wedding toasts

On hot days water helps revive

Signs say bring water on the train

Carry a drink to run or walk

I don't think I need to explain

A drink, like tea, is shared with talk

I don't write this to earn a fee

Just to sip and smile, feel jolly

Merely to amuse you and me

While we drink our daily coffee.

-ends-

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