Home Made Marmalade comical poem number 518 by Angela Lansbury

Home made marmalade. Photo by Angela Lansbury. Copyright.

Chinese New Year brings oranges

In England we import from Spain

Those bitter Seville oranges

Don't eat, make marmalade again

We do like things which are home made

Especially thick cut marmalade

We buy 2 bags of pectin, yet

Those jars of marmalade don't set

We've sometimes done it with success

Our resolve to research is strong

We'll tell you how to do it right

Also how not to do it wrong

You need two bags of oranges

You peel two kilos of the fruit

The pith, the pips, in muslin bags

Six sterile jars inside a boot

It takes him several hours a day

Fills two or three full, busy days

The effort that goes into this

Deserves medals, needs constant praise

We kid ourselves it's healthy food

But know the sugar content's high

If 'what you fancy does you good'

Finish the lot before you die!

-ends-

The saying is 'a little of what you fancy does you good'. However, that is eleven syllables. One line over sounds odd and means rewriting and expanding every line. Or lines one and three of every verse. Five verses, ten lines to rewrite. I have other things to do today. I might come back another day and write version two.

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Another New Year comical poem number 517 by Angela Lansbury

Angela Lansbury wearing celebration mock spectacles featuring red trees and tartan trolls. Selfie photo by Angela Lansbury. Copyright.

 

We had Christmas Eve and New Year's Eve

On the right dates, I do believe

But January five and six

Are thrown into Europe's calendar mix

My diary says the week starts on Monday

But others think it starts on Sunday

Now Chinatown's got 'Chinese' New Year

Koreans say, Lunar New Year here!

Another date is used by Muslims

And autumn's when the school year begins

What have I forgotten? Never fear

I've remembered the Jewish New Year

I'm busy all year with New Years

I've lots of research to explain

Just as I've passed the last New Year

We start with New Year once again.

-ends-

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Matching comical poem 516 by Angela Lansbury

 

Match, match, I love to match

A jacket and top, a top and skirt

A coat and hat, If it doesn't match

I feel quite hurt

Now some like to have variety

Even if it means notoriety

The world's a big place

So they are free

But matching is the way for me

You match shoes, gloves, socks

And shells, rings and rocks

A 3 piece suite, even two clocks

The carpet here and there

A set of dining chairs

A bag, belt and hat

How smart is that!

The French will match

Plain colours, neat

Simple elegance

Head to feet

The style I hate

Which makes me late

Is trying to match up

Separates

A trouser suit

And a pair of boots

I know some folk don't

Care two hoots

In England we like pairs

Evens, dozens

Things are different with

Our Japanese cousins

Where my tea cups are four or six

But the Japanese have sets of five

Our ways of thinking do not mix

Do differences help you survive?

I like outfits' fabrics to look the same

Match labels, a perennial game

Perhaps the hardest but best match

Is the middle of hatch, match and despatch.

-ends-

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The Magic Letter E comical poem 515 by Angela Lansbury

Magnifying glass. Photo by Angela Lansbury. Copyright.

I love the magic letter E

Like digging with a trowel

The letter e does work for you

It changes every vowel

The magic letter E

Is friends with you and me

I sometimes wonder, hey

What does the E do to the A?

It turns hat to hate

Turns pet rat to rate

It turns at to ate

Turns my fat to fate

I sometimes wonder why

You use E after I

It turns lit to lite

But turns spit to spite

It turns Mick to Mike

It turns lick to like.

What does E do to O

I've tried so now I know

It turns ho into hoe

It turns do into doe

It turns to into toe

What does it do for you?

Turns US tru to true

A girl called Su will sue

A French cru for the crew.

And at sea you can see

To be or not to be a bee

It's helpful and it's free

That magic letter E.

-ends-

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Adjectives and Adverbs comical poem number 514 by Angela Lansbury

Stop. Wrong Way sign in German from motorway. 

 

An adjective and an adverb

They used to puzzle me

It's simple, both words start with 'add'

It's very plain to see

An adjective describes a noun

A person, place or thing

But Hemingway, a journalist

Was taught, 'Do no such thing

'Don't add emotion to writing, 

Newspapers just state fact

Don't say dreadful, tragic, shocking

Let the reader think that.'

An adverb should describe a verb

Please, teacher, what's a verb?

A verb is called a doing word

Or so I've always heard

An adverb adds letters l y

So make drily from dry

You should make quickly out of quick

But not sickly from sick.

A comic's a funny person

Or a picture story

Comical's the adjective, don't

Be economical

Poets claim poet's license

Break punctuation rules

But if they can't get grammar right

The risk looking like fools

I'm a poet and a teacher

Which hat should I wear here?

Teachers earn more than poets do

So henceforth I'll be clear

I must change titles from comic

To comical, to be right

But changing five hundred titles

Will take me half the night

So I shall leave the early ones

Although you won't rate them

But it does have one advantage

Early errors date them.

-ends-

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New Year Resolution comical poem 513 by Angela Lansbury

 Does a new year resolution

Have to be brand new

I think I should recycle - it

And you can do it, too

-ends-

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Puzzling Over Past Lives & Reincarnation comic poem 512 by Angela Lansbury

 If I had a past life

I must have done something good

To reincarnate as me

So now I'm acting as I should

I want to be quite sure

I won't come back as a frog

Not even as a dog

Or worse still as a log

Do we really have free will?

Do I know my choice is free?

If I come back as them

Will they come back as me?

I'm sure that my dog loves me

What would he like to be?

Maybe I'll come back as him

Swap. He'll come back as me.

-ends-

Dog and boy

ription	Packsaddle (Kløv på Siberian Husky)
Date	13 July 2007, 13:03 (upload date)
Source	Own work
Author	Per Harald Olsen (Perhols)

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The Wisdom Of Age comic poem 511 by Angela Lansbury

 If I may be so bold

Now your dinner has got cold

Our silver has been sold

Maybe I am getting old

I keep pennies in a glass jar

I see and calculate my wealth

And I am never lonely

'cos I'm talking to myself.

-ends-

Pennies in a container. Wikipedia Picture credit.

English: 7-Eleven, Franconia, Virginia
Date	1 September 2024 (according to Exif data)
Source	Own work
Author	Ser Amantio di Nicolao

Camera location	38° 45′ 37.59″ N, 77° 09′ 36.37″ W

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Finding Lost Items comic poem 510 by Angela Lansbury

 

Lost and Found office, Baker Street. Photo by Angela Lansbury. Copyright.

When you are not looking

Missing items can be found

On top of the car or bookcase

Or lying on the ground

The shoes beneath under the bed

Or the glasses on your head

Or underneath your chair

When you've looked everywhere

The key's under the mat

The credit card inside your hat

The doorkey in your pocket

Outside the door - you forgot to lock it

Your dinner in the picnic basket

Everything's in the right place

Probably where you left it

Your wet swimsuit's in your suitcase

Your wet swimsuit's full of mould

Insects are fighting in the flour

I know the clock's here somewhere

'cos it's chiming every hour

You accuse me of taking it

You have looked from left to right

I suspect you of breaking it

It's there! Hiding in plain sight!

Problems hadn't gone away

But I solve them everyday

If you don't put things away

They're where you left them yesterday

-ends-

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I Read And Write A lot Of Advice comic poem 509 by Angela Lansbury

 I read a lot of newspapers

To tell me what to do

Then I must copy the best news

To send it on to you

I know you want to laugh and learn

I know that you don't have much time

If short of time and energy

You need to borrow mine

I remember Dale Carnegie

Wrote about preventing worry

He wrote work, play - sport, keep busy

Don't stress yourself with hurry

Instead of worrying about 

What might come, or won't be

Prepare worst case scenarios

Send recipes to me

If you give me your worries

I can look after yours

My poems send you mine this time

Peform, share the applause

If I work days and you work nights

Sure, you see just what I mean

 I'm rude to them, then you're polite

We'd make the pefect team

If parents say yes, never, no

Then toddlers learn the same

Instead of 'no,' 'yes - later, dear'

This is my fav'rite game

We both understand the secret

Be wise, calm, not a fool

The extra magic's, to do it

Take action's the last rule.

-ends-

Dale Carnegie picture from Wikipedia.

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Praise For Quick, Short Poems comic poem 508 by Angela Lansbury

Tape measure. Photo by Angela Lansbury. Copyright.

Poems should be quick

Long poems make me sick

This one's short and precise

I think concise is nice.

-ends-

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Planning Jokes For Funerals comic poem number 507 by Angela Lansbury

 Comedian Brad kept notebooks for jokes

When a novice, being paid was his hope

The setup, the contrast, surprise and twist

He learned to plan jokes so nothing was missed

Making a joke is a habit in time

So you're ready with puns or a punchline

Instead of seeking joke doctors for health

Make up good jokes to amuse your good self.

Plan a joke for all hearing of a birth

On the joy baby gains, mother's lost girth

Plan a joke for engagement or wedding

Or for divorce, if that's where you're heading

Coffins in Ghana. From Wikipedia. 

Description	English: The Kane Kwei Carpentry Workshop. Staged by Guy Hersant Français : L'atelier Kane Kwei et son personnel. Mise en scène: Guy Hersant.
Date	10 January 2010

I'm getting old so I'll leave a last joke 

For my funeral tea, here's what I spoke

'She was good-hearted - sad she's departed 

But glad it's not me - there's more drink for me!

-ends-

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A Day Without Laughter comic poem number 506 by Angela Lansbury

 

Charlie Chaplin. Picture from Wikipedia. Public domain.

A day without laughter 

Is a day wasted, said 

The great Charlie Chaplin

And so I have pasted

A series of good jokes

On my fridge's full door

The office wall, bedroom,

Plus the ceiling and floor

I don't need to read them

I smile at the paper

If I need a cheer up

The laughter comes later

I'm writing to tell you 

That's what you, too, should do

May his wish for smiling 

And more laughter come true.

-ends-

In Praise Of Short Poems

The most memorable verses are just one verse of four lines or a rhyming couplet.

I reached the natural end of this poem here. Four verses. Concise. Simple message and joke. Then I had afterthoughts and added another four verses about writing jokes for birth, marriage and death. I have on two or three memorable occasions been told by President Edward at Toastmasters International speakers' club, Online Dynamic, that my speech was long, over time, and complicated, a mixture of two messages. I had two speeches. 

As I began to write more verses of this poem, I thought, this could be a second poem about jokes from birth to death via weddings. I cut the the extra verses and made them into a second poem. 

That was a great improvement. If I had a longer spot, I could read both as one long poem or two short poems. Or one poem and the other as the encore, but on a related theme to the first. A good message for myself and other poets, and event organisers, and book editors.

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The Eulogy comic poem 505 by Angela Lansbury

 

Robbing Hood, illustration and photo by Angela Lansbury. Copyright.

We're here to praise our darling son💪

Shot by a bad, dastardly one

Our son was always sweet and kind

Gave to the deaf, what he'd robbed from the blind

Although he never was in school 

Self-taught, street-wise, he was no fool

He had a house of guns and knives

His only motive saving lives

He was the most popular of the blokes

All danced with him when he showed them the ropes

His fingerprints showed he'd tightened them

But he'd only meant to frighten them

He'd killed ten people with one blow

A blow can kill, he didn't know

He'd spent time, too long, in detention

For - deeds which we'd rather not mention

The town's filled with his mourning chums

And a long line of single mums

He was a man who had a vision

Of going straight, for one day, when leaving prison

He led a short and happy life

Ten kids, six girlfriends and a wife

His kids will miss what they never had

The perfect, loving, anti-hero Dad.

-ends- 

Robbing Hood is a pun on the character of Robin Hood.

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Making Music, comic poem 504 by Angela Lansbury

Musical note, colourful cartoon. Illustration by Angela Lansbury. Photo by Angela Lansbury.  Copyright.

 Yesterday why was I down in the dumps?

I'd had pills, wan't ill, no big reason

No more toothache, no return of breast lumps

Just 'music' nearby, drumming thump, thump, thump

Past midnight, I admit I'm a night owl

But I'm now being forced to stay awake

The outside interference made me scowl

It was far too late to bake a quick cake

For several minutes I felt quite fraught

Then I stopped to review my bad, sad thoughts

And tried to find something good I'd been taught

My age is the stage to start a new page

Lucky people have a house and good health

'though not in the tallest tower of wealth

You can't change the whole world in a minute

When you don't like other people in it

The nearest thing you can change is yourself

Instead of shouting, trying to excite

Rudely saying, 'You're wrong! And I am right!'

It's best to think and write something polite

Avoid bad words which might be misconstrued

Don't be rude, but just change your attitude

So I nodded to the music, and smiled,

I thought, 'I love it! It's free, fun and wild!'

I can dance, sitting down, wiggle my toes

I can toss my hair and wiggle my nose

I can dream I kiss and croon by the moon

No-one complains if I sing out of tune

If I want to dance, I don't need a mate

If I want space to dance, I don't have to wait

If I want a drink, I don't need a date

I don't have to worry that it's too late

When I am tired and think I've had quite enough

Of energetic, acrobatic stuff

My pillow and soft bed are right nearby

I can flop into bed and close my eyes

I can dream the disco dancing's around me

I'm dancing with a handsome millionaire

The lullaby's erotic, hypnotic

Sensual, safe, I sleep without a care.

-ends--

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The Fire Fighter in LA - In The News Today comic poem 503 by Angela Lansbury

 I read of a fine fire fighter

Who'd made patients' burdens lighter

He was a trained, trusty surgeon

Who'd eased each scared patient's burden

He moved to a house in LA

Recalling fires of yesterday

Old-timer, new-comer, stranger

Everybody knew the danger

Delightful views on every hand

But earthquakes meant a fragile land

He changed his roof tiles from old wood

All changed to concrete? Yes, he could

Cut trees? No, leave them for the birds!

But then strong winds grew much higher

The situation grew more dire

From small sparks grows towers of fire

What about smoke? I'm glad you ask

Of course, the surgeon wore a mask

He was a man who had a plan

He saw the dangers and began

First, make good friends with near neighbours

To count on merging behaviours

What else for buildings? I suppose

He'd stocked up water, sprinklers, hose

His first plan was the house to save

If all else failed, though he was brave

He had no boats but he bought floats

So they'd escape on ocean waves

Meanwhile to douse fires on the ground

With spades and earth they ran around

Like Britain's wartime cry, you see

The action's Dig For Victory

He saved his house, his neighbours' too

Now I and you know what to do

In other streets the houses burned

But here's a happy lesson learned.

You plan, and fight with all your might

Take turns to watch all day and night

Now we know how it can be done,

They planned, not fraught, but fought and won!

-ends-

Icy Bicycles comic poem 502 by Angela Lansbury

 

Restaurant with bicycle outside in London. Photo by Angela Lansbury. Copyright.

A bicycle is lots of fun

When it's summer in the sun

But when your world's had snow and ice

A bicycle is not so nice

We bought our kid a scooter

With a helmet, lights and hooter

She's too young for a bicycle

And too old for a tricycle

Even in the warmed-up kitchen 

I'm feeling very cold

Maybe I got too little sleep

Don't say it's 'cos you're growing old

Now children are excited when they look out

For the first time they see snow!

I tell friends in the tropics

'Cold as snow,' but they don't know

People ask me, 'How cold is it?'

They ask me what I mean

I think you'll understand

If I say, 'Too cold for ice cream?' 

I'll switch on my electric blanket

I'm not cycling out, alone, at all

Even if we two took a tandem

We'd be two, four, eight, icicles on bicycles.

-ends-

Two icicles on bicycles - two of us cycling, on a tandem or on two bikes

Four, two sets of four cold legs, or my two arms and two legs

Eight is two people with two cold legs and two cold arms.

Bilingual English-Italian Poem comic poem number 501 by Angela Lansbury

 

Bilingual Poem by 

Angela Lansbury

(and her new friend 

Google Translate) 

Inspired by Duolingo

With rhymes playing bingo

Even just using my name

It's a wonderful game

This is bilingual, my poem

I wrote it in Italian

From phrases I learned today

Which said this, what I wanted to say - to you

I am learning Italian

I learned the past tense

What did I learn to say?

I greeted. Then I cheated

With AI translated

 I found my way

I was so excited

I practised all day

We understood each other, so well

I really liked it

Believe me, I loved it!

What time did you arrive?

What time were you there?

He had had some problems

We had kept it

Where had you put it?

We had become poor

The neighbours were rich

Now I am the teacher

I'm a learner and poet

I hope that you liked it

It is my gift to you

And your applause to me

Helps me on my way.

We will say goodbye for today

But I shall return tomorrow

We'll get together again

On a page or a train, or a plane.

I won't waste your time today

Two words, before you go on your way

I'll teach you to say hello

And I'll teach you to say goodbye.

-ends-

Poesia bilingue di

Angela Lansbury

(e la sua nuova amica

Google Traduttore)

Ispirata da Duolingo

Con rime che giocano a bingo

Anche solo usando il mio nome

È un gioco meraviglioso

Questa è bilingue, la mia poesia

L'ho scritta in italiano

Da frasi che ho imparato oggi

Che diceva questo, quello che volevo dire - a te

Sto imparando l'italiano

Ho imparato il passato remoto

Cosa ho imparato a dire?

Ho salutato. Poi ho barato

Con l'intelligenza artificiale tradotta

Ho trovato la mia strada

Ero così emozionata

Ho fatto pratica tutto il giorno

Ci siamo capiti, così bene

Mi è piaciuto molto

Credimi, mi è piaciuto!

A che ora sei arrivato?

A che ora eri lì?

Aveva avuto dei problemi

L'avevamo tenuto

Dove l'avevi messo?

Eravamo diventati poveri

I vicini erano ricchi

Ora sono io l'insegnante

Sono uno studente e un poeta

Spero che ti sia piaciuto

È il mio regalo per te

E il tuo applauso per me

Mi aiuta nel mio cammino.

Ci saluteremo per oggi

Ma tornerò domani

Ci incontreremo di nuovo

Su una pagina o un treno, o un aereo.

Non ti farò perdere tempo oggi

Due parole, prima che tu vada per la tua strada

Ti insegnerò a dire ciao

E ti insegnerò a dire arrivederci.

-fine-

Translation results

Translation result

Handy Idioms comic poem 500 by Angela Lansbury

I thought, I ought to brush up

My German, then I thought

There must be lots of idioms

Which I have not been taught

 

You are not an idiot

If you can't understand

We English use idioms

It has got out of hand

On the other hand

-ends-

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Be Brave - Don't Save, comic poem number 499 by Angela Lansbury

One pound coin. Photo by Angela Lansbury.
 

On my eightieth birthday I'll spend all my money

On a full size jar of manuka honey

My taxes all go to warring nations

I could be cruising, or at train stations

You wonder why I'm getting impatient

Why this panic buying? What do I want?

From postwar rations to cheap fast fashions?

Savings scarily shrink with inflation!

Last night I dreamed of a weeping willow

And a swing where we hidden children play

A butter-size gold block under my pillow

In the light of day it melted away

When I am tired of endless clothes washing

I've got the year planned for spending a grand

I'll spend hours searching, for just ten dollars

Splurge on pairs of removable collars

all my life I saved for a rainy dayy

Now sunny days have gone too far away

I grain and say what others dare not say

That every day's a bloody rainy day

I dream of birthday one hundred and three

The king's birthday card saved addressed to me

But I have not yet reached seventy nine

That's why I buy on discount all the time.

-ends-

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Funny Friends - comic poem 498 by Angela Lansbury

 

The more that I know you

The more that I like you

That's just why I like you

'cos we're so much alike

I often like to guess

What you're going to say

That's why I interrupt

In my annoying way

Yet we are so different

It's always a surprise

Open mouth, up eyebrows

And four astonished eyes

We have so much to do

And we've so much to say

We can do all your way

Maybe do some my way

That is why we take turns

To laugh, smile, listen, speak

I feel I've at last found

The perfection I seek

When you've gone far away

Texting like you're still here

Your face photos with me

Yes, no and, I know, dear

Friends at first ignore you

Puzzled, ask what I see

You dress and look diff'rent

Yet you speak just like me.

Recall that last, long day

Fine, fun food, together

We made indoor sunshine

Despite outdoor weather.

-ends-

Written for new friends Helen and Nigel, but also applies to me and my husband Trevor, and most couples, family and friends we meet. 

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Long and Short Poems comic poem 497 by Angela Lansbury

Some poems are too short

Some poems are too long

Some poems are just right

Some poems are just wrong.

Poems should satisfy

And quench your thirst like drink

Poems should be succinct

Gone as quick as a wink.

-ends-

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Thoughts On Poems comic poem 496 by Angela Lansbury

Angela Lansbury selfie photo with a smiley. Copyright.
 

What can a simple poem do

To entertain both me and you?

A poem helps to pass the time

To fill up lines and draw the line

Like needles, in, out, pretty pink

Food for the brain, refreshing drink

Washed dishes drying by the sink

A smile, a laugh, a nod, a wink

At best, it's like a magic potion

Soothing, smoothing, all emotion

It captures like a photograph

A nod, a wink, a smile, a laugh.

-ends-

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New Year comic poem 495 by Angela Lansbury

On New Year's Eve, guess what I saw

Fireworks, Happy New Year, my dear

Last year we saw a dreadful war

I'm glad we're both alive, still here

Everyone wishes you good health

Success, peace, and presperity

Sort out my mess, bring me wealth

Silver, gold, shares and property.

I'll drink Prosecco, not Champagne

Be a good friend, and don't complain

Please send me your good wishes

And help me dry the dishes

Make your new year resolutions

On the first of January

Following good Pope Gregory

You can start a new diary

What did you do last year, my dear?

List achievements, list every one

Learn from the bad, remember the good

And vow that each day you'll have fun

Store journals in a big shoe box

Or, if uncensored, a box which locks

Then you can settle arguments

Recall dates of prizes and knocks.

January's arbitrary

For most schools start in September

But if January's a fresh start

You can pack up the past in December.

-ends-