Today I'm Not One Hundred

100

Today I'm Not One Hundred
by Angela Lansbury

Today I'm not one hundred
I'm a hundred and one!
It's tomorrow in Australia
Wave to my iPad, oh what fun!

My arms are frail, my fingers thin
Don't ask me to shake hands
Don't ask about my future
What's the point of making plans?

I've been sent vouchers for bungee jumping
And balloon trips to Australia
And some kind folks in Switzerland
Have sent discounts on euthanasia

Who are my friends? My dear, all ghosts
Of the past, I hear their laughter
Don't send more money-making priests
With bills, wills - prayers for the hereafter

What have I done? Eaten birthday cake
You ask me where I've been?
Speak up! What? I'm lip-reading -
Did you ask me who I've seen?

You can see all my photographs
Fading faces on the wall
I keep signing books, giving autographs
Getting chocolates, eat them all

You ask me what is the secret
Of living long? So long? Too long?
Like the queen mother, who had health and wealth
Drink bubbly, smile and stagger on

What do I eat? Just mushy stuff
Good teeth soft, not yet rotten
Now what's your name? Tell me again
I've already forgotten

I'd love to hear about your life
Dear, I wish you all the best!
Tell me, is our five minutes up?
I need my commode, a bath, a rest.

You asked if I'm staying queen?
This sign language stuff is hard!
Yes, I'm treated like a queen!
Yes, future kings signed a joint card!
-ends-