Teeth And More

 

Thank God for whitening tootbpaste

For vaseline and vapour

Thank God for supermarkets

Thank God for soft toilet paper

Thank God for Satnav

For lawn mowers and combs

For cameras and waste disposal

For Zoom and mobile phones

Thank God for palm trees

Deck chairs, hammocks, sandy beaches

Dates and figs and kiwi fruit

Bananas and soft peaches  

Thank God for the internet

For pets, bushes and bones

For pens and pencils

So you'll never be alone

Thank God for history

About the bad old days

For the weather forecast

For seasons change to sunny days

Thank God for newspapers

And AI to solve all mystery

Thank God that after tragedy

We can turn to camedy

Thank God when I'm old or tired

The country has young leaders

Thank God for writers

Poets, printers and readers.

-ends-

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The Little Fig comical poem 688 by Angela Lansbury

Fig served in London. Photo by Angela Lansbury. Copyright.

I had a fig to go with wine

I see others' figs all the time

Supermarkets are in the know

Figs can't be difficult to grow

I haven't got a fig they say

I didn't have a juicy fig

I went and bought a little sprig

Twenty years later it's too big

It started very cute but small

Planted a few feet from our wall

Three years I watched it anxiously

Alas it didn't grow at all

Then, hurray, it started growing

And then it grew its first small fig

Then more, but not soft nor big

What next? We'd no way of knowing

If you cooked them for several hours

Eventually they'd soften

Delicious in a syrup, we agreed, but

Something you won't do too often

Then we built a house extension

A glassed conservatory

But the fig's now too near 

Roots lift, shift a house, like oak trees

The fig leaves have grown enormous

At the expense of the plant's figs

They say that if your figs are small

It's 'cos you let leaves grow too big

Now it's rained for several days

No need to water the garden

The only problem is I see

The fig stalks start to harden

I do not want to cut it down

Wave all our years of work goodbye

Let's plant a bisexual tree

That's something I'm keen we should try

But my husband frowns angrily

'You and your damned little, hard figs

It took me hours to cook them up

And now the useless tree's too big!'

Yes, if we dig up my loved fig tree

The garden gains by looking big

But I'll point at the space and sigh

'We used to have a lovely fig.'

but I shall miss my healthy fig

Mixed with fruit, seeds and a fresh date

I'll raid my cheap supermarket

To fill my dawn five-a-day plate.

-ends-

Also see poem 667 on the fig, apple and other trees.

Please share links to your favourite poems on my blog posts. I have more blogs on travel, and fashion. 

Also see my latest book, the amusing Embarrassing Moments on Amazon.com or Amazon.co.uk or Lulu.com . I have about nineteen other books on these websites. I have poems in books

Seriously Funny Poems by Angela Lansbury

Writing Poetry For Fun

Poetry Workshop Workbook

We Saw The Dinosaur (illustrated large book with one long poem for children)

In the And Us series of anthologies by Carolyn Street I have some poems.

In Addictions & Us I have a poem entitled Hoarding Plane Traveller. and a chapter 11 Confessions of a Hoarder, Keeping Order, and chapter 12 Fighting Fat, Getting Fit - Addicted to Eating Potatoes, Chocolates and Freebies. In Grief and Us I wrote Chapter 5 Coping with Bereavement and Depression, not humorous poems in that book, although I recommend reading humorous poetry and watching humorous films or videos.

I Haven't Got A Thing To Wear comical poem 687 by Angela Lansbury

Clothes in stacking  drawers. Photo by Angela Lansbury. Copyright.

 I haven't got a thing to wear

I won't buy wigs nor dye my hair

The problem is I've summer clothes

My winter ones get lost in those

Instead of wasting all my time

Browsing to buy more clothes on line

I'll view my crammed spare room with pleasure

A home jumble sale of treasure

I can't shop wearing my swimsuit

That swim hat looks wrong buying fruit

Stained top? Cut, make a patch, or rag

Lost button! Throw in my sew bag

Will I wear these old things turned grey?

I ought to throw them all away

No. Sell them. Yes. Another day

I don't have enough time today

Searching my own clothes takes up time

Tiring, but won't cost me a dime

Pretend it's a fun thing to do

Long-lost items look good as new. 

Look - there's last year's Christmas jumper

Found! My old favourite number

I'm pleased and proud I'm in control

Sorting is so good for one's soul.

-ends-

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I could change the last line of the last verse but one to

Vintage, long-lost, looks good as new. Dime is American but most Brits would understand it is a small coin. From the song, Brother, can you spare a dime, a Depression days song, sung by Bill Crosby, Dean Martin and Sinatra.

Alive? Eternal Thrive, comical poem 686 by Angela Lansbury

 Some say that we're all dying from the moment we are born

Some say live in the moment, others treat philosophy with scorn

Some die early, going mental, some outlive their teeth, all problems dental

Teeth. Photo by Angela Lansbury.

From a cockroach point of view, insects score a point or two

Teenagers are likely to survive those middle-aged and half alive

We hope all babies thrive, and live lives healthy and long

Run marathons and are strong, so nothing will go wrong

If you follow a religion it promises us all heaven

Where we'll live sixes and sevens

With ancient Egyptian men, and all the enemies

Exes and insects we hoped we'd never see again.

-ends-

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In the long run, they out-run us, though I think humans have more fun

If we evaluate evolution, which one of us has won?

Each Time I Walk Down The Road comical poem / song 685 by Angela Lansbury

Walking boots. Photo by Angela Lansbury. Copyright.

 Each time that I walk down the road

I look at your former abode

On the far corner of the street

I remember when we would meet

I met you late, so late, in life

My fate fixed at a garden fete

Both alone, parted from our mate

So we made a romantic date

You came round one Saturday night

I dreamed of how you'd hold me tight

You gave me a bunch of flowers

We talked joyfully for hours

I thought that we were fixed for life

I'd be your happy second wife

But no, I was wrong, what went wrong?

I pushed too soon, came on too strong

Your words now echo in my head

'You like me more than I like you

I'm sorry but what I must do

Is get my coat, goodbye, thank you

'I'm glad I came, but you should know

Because we're bound to meet again

So, although this romance must end

I'm sure that we can still stay friends.'

I won't mope,  but no longer hope

So long ago it seems a dream

But I remember with pleasure

That night's first moment I treasure

For a year or two, I saw you

Sometimes when I walked down the road

When I passed your childhood abode.

You'd called on your mum. So I halloed

For one moment you'd look at me

You'd smile pleased, sorry, knowingly, 

Then look back over your shoulder

And say, 'It's late. I have to go'

Your mother died, you never cried

I joined you at the funeral

I showed my husband your new wife

Sad, glad, we'd all moved on in life

Your house for sale, your house was sold

The house, like me, was growing old

The flowers gone, another face

A concrete drive, a different place

I still see you on the internet

 I should forget, but remember

As I walk down the rebuilt road

Where others rebuilt your abode.

I think as I walk down the road

Of you, young, in your old abode.

As I walk down the now changed road

Still haunted by your old abode.

-ends-

Written listening to Country music.

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Muddle Trouble Over Countries And Flags comical poem 684 by Angela Lansbury

When you travel you stop to sample local food and drink

But the words on the menu make you stop and think

Don't translate nor remember words you learned last year

From some other country which on the map looks near

Don't ask for Greek coffee when you are in Turkey

'though Cypriot coffee might seem all Greek to you

Lebanon and the Saudis serve 'strong coffee' by another name

You have to learn a dozen words, but the coffee's just the same 

If you get in a muddle you get in a lot of trouble

It may help or hinder memory if you start seeing double

But people from one country aren't another, that's not right

They will soon correct you and make sure you see the light

The Scottish are now British but don't call them English

Although they speak English adding words which are Scottish 

People from Canada aren't from the USA

'though travelers (US spelling) worldwide say 'Have a nice day'

People from New Zealand are not from Australia

Both countries flags have a small Union Jack

And a lot of little stars, but Aussies will tell you

The one with the big star's ours.

As for country's capitals, for me they're a mystery

They change names, shift, not the big tourist city

Capitals move when they sink or get too busy

Is South Africa's Pretoria? Yes - but it has three.

-ends-

Please share links to your favourite poems on my blog. I also have several books on poetry on Amazon and Lulu.com

 

Day Broke And I Woke comical poem 683 by Angela Lansbury

A happy sound. Somebody spoke.

They made a joke. Nudged me and poked.

I saw the light. I knew day broke.

I tried to sleep. No good. I woke.

You have to rise when nature calls

I felt dizzy and grabbed the walls

Don't sway. Stand upright and don't fall

Small problems but I fixed them all

I clean my teeth, brush and toothpaste

Water. Don't waste. Then spit a bit

Washed hands, face, more, now I can sit

At my desk, to capture my wit

Early rising's good for the soul

I'm in control. It's a tonic

I take my first pill of the day

The label calls it Alendronic

The leaflet warns me, 'stay upright

For half an hour'. I do that right

Small simple things in my power

My mind's re-fuelled in the night

The clock told me I rose at six

I checked my list of things to fix 

Most days a porridge and nut mix

Today make do with Weetabix

I rose too soon, wait for my mate

He weighed out porridge, then we ate

Our breakfast helps me to lose weight

Helped by the size of my small plate

I do not like to multi-task

When I'm on a super diet

I chew each mouthful twenty times

Drink water, and enjoy quiet

Blueberries, kiwi, fibe fresh fruits.

Shower, thermals, long sleeves to wear

Choose one of six, red, sequined suits

Day-dream of yellow ordered boots

American-style we say

'Goodbye, darling. Have a good day!'

I wave goodbye. He doesn't stay. 

Runs on his way to work and play

To meet good friends. When this verse ends

I shall click send, to my best friends

Let verses go, good things to show

To more dear souls I don't yet know

So in a while we all can laugh

Wipe up news bile, goodwill not guile

If something's nice, like cooking rice

In a trice say it twice, even thrice

I'm so happy! The world can see

Youngsters ask me the recipe -

Each day ensure good words are heard

Like shaking hands with other lands

At eighty I'll be worldly wise

Give praise and never criticize

Send souvenirs of laughing eyes,  

Spread by my smile, delight, surprise.

First Draft

Who spoke?

Or poked?

Day broke and

I woke

Just nature calls

I grab the walls

So I don't fall

I've fixed it all

I clean my teeth

And spit a bit

And then I sit

At my desk and

Capture my wit

Early rising

Is a tonic

Take a pill called

Alendronic

The box says 'stay upright

Half an hour'

Small simple things

Are in my power

It's only six

Thoughts I must fix

'Not yet eat nix'

Dream Weetabix

Wait for my mate

He weighed, we ate

Our breakfast

Only half a plate

On a diet

All was quiet

I eat fresh fruits

I shower and wear

One of seven red suits

Dream of yellow boots

And then we say

'Have a good day'

I wave goodbye

He's on his way

To work or play

To meet good friends

When this verse ends

I shall click send

To my good friends

Let verses go

Something to show

To more dear souls

I don't yet know

And in a while

We all can laugh

Wipe up news bile

Goodwill not guile

If something's nice

Like cooking rice

I'll say it twice

Or thrice, in a trice

I'm so happy

The world can see

You can come to me

And ask for the recipe

I can ensure

Good words are heard

Like shaking hands

With other lands

Add laughing eyes

A small surprise

To share my smile

Spread my big smile.

-end-

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Musical Management At The Old Bridge comical poem 682 by Angela Lansbury

New View

The ivy-clad old bridge hotel

See the old bridge beyond the well 

Websites reveal past, boss won't tell 

Its wine dinners can still outsell

Times change, you put new owners in

Retire, you pass old owners out

The old owner consults, watches

Joyful newcomers dance about

No doubt there's bound to be a rout

Hurray, a new manager's in

Sorry, an old manager's out

In, out, and shake titles about

A manager deserted us

I heard he went with half the staff

Ambition's no sin, well done him

Promotion for us other half

Breakfast

Old customers keen on croissant

Black pudding? Puzzled, smile in doubt

'Where's the old chef? Are you new, too?

What's this month's menu all about?'

The manager's our brand new friend

We chatted through lovely dinners

Some discount deal is where this ends 

Happy customers are winners

We over-ate whipped mystery cream

And sniffed and spit out tannic wine

We video whispered drama

Record. Lip read another time

The old bridge hotel

Is still doing well

The old bridge and the old hotel

Have stories I guess but I can't tell.

To Bed

We admire the painted the woodwork

Looks like they've carpeted the stairs

So long as they are serving, no customer cares

If managers are playing musical chairs

-ends-

I copied the first verse to the last verse. Then decided to change it, as if the narrator now knew more but would not reveal it. The last line read Have stories I will but won't tell. Moving from they to I as if I was now part of the conspiracy of silence or secrets. (Or just afraid of slander or libel action.) 

My final version was stories I guess but can't tell. The word guess retains the air of mystery, with customers still not knowing what is going on. As is so often the case in hotels, conferences, clubs, committees with conflicts, big organizations.