Computer Dating

Computer Dating by Angela Lansbury
Version 1
Where is my millionaire?
Why does he keep me waiting?
I'll have to go and find him
So I'll try computer dating

You can look for one who cooks
Ask for a wit who's fit
Who reads balance sheets or books
Or say you do not mind a bit

I like company directors
Men with PHDs as well
Yet despite their education
Not one of them can spell

Now most men tell big lies
About their height and weight
Their body and wallet size
Married status, mental state

Their photos are out of date
They have no sense of time
I guess their photos, like their ages
Are just the same as mine

One said he'd give me a ring
Ambiguous beyond belief
One arrived wearing a sling
One had lost his two front teeth

I've seen the bearded and the bald
All religions, and free thinkers
I've met redheads, young and old
Priests, virgins, and sex-mad drinkers

When they ask, "Are you divorced?"
I reply, "It's complicated,"
The tenth man I saw this week
Asked, "Am I the first you've dated?"

I've met lots of reject husbands
I can't tell you what I've done
But after husband thirty-two
I'm calling husband number one.
-ends-
Copyright Angela Lansbury 25 July 2017

Revised at the suggestion of Alison Chisholm at Writers' Holiday

Computer Dating by Angela Lansbury
Version 2
Where is my millionaire?
Why does he keep me waiting?
I'll have to go and find him
So I'll try computer dating

You can look for one who cooks
Ask for a wit who's fit
Who reads balance sheets or books
Or say you do not mind a bit

I like company directors
Men with PHDs as well
Yet despite their education
Not one of them can spell

Now most men tell big lies
About their height and weight
Their body and wallet size
Married status, mental state

Their photos are out of date
They have no sense of time
I guess their snapshots, like their ages
Are just the same as mine

One said he'd give me a ring
Ambiguous beyond belief
One arrived wearing a sling
One had lost his two front teeth

I've seen the bearded and the bald
All religions, and free thinkers
I've met redheads, young and old
Priests, virgins, and sex-mad drinkers

When they ask, "Are you divorced?"
I reply, "It's complicated,"
The tenth man I saw this week
Asked, "Am I the first you've dated?"

I've met lots of reject husbands
I can't tell you what I've done
But after trying thirty-two
I'm back with husband number one.
-ends-
Copyright Angela Lansbury 25 July 2017.
This poem was read at Writers and Artists' Holiday at Fishguard in Wales.
I received lots of compliments.