I Want To Live One Hundred Years comical poem 706 by Angela Lansbury

I want to live one hundred years

If doctors can't give three or two

I'd like to spend one more decade

With, or without, the help of you

I'd like to live one hundred years

Or even only ninety-nine

Like a leasehold that's getting old

Or long-term parking with no fine

I regret spending so much time

Trying to not to get frail nor ill

With vaccines, flu jabs and masks

Six different types of daily pill

If I live to one hundred years

Journals will ask how I survived

With broken bones, and broken teeth

They'll be surprised I'm still alive

I'm hoping to regrow my teeth

Chew well, look good - ribbon, bow, tie

 Smooth skin on top, cure all beneath

A smart hair cut before I dye.

-ends-

Books of Comical Poems By Angela Lansbury

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My books of poetry are on Amazon.com and Amazon.co.uk and Lulu.com

Seriously Funny Poems

Poetry Workshop Workbook (Ballads, limericks, villanelles and more, examples, structure, tips)

Writing Poetry for fun

Poetry Pets and Pests

Humorous (not poetry).

A Xmas present to yourself, friends or family.

When You're Feeling Dizzy comical poem 705 by Angela Lansbury

When I lie down or stand up quickly

No fever but I feel I'm sickly

Everything swings round and round

The ceiling swaps space with the ground

I feel like a roller coaster

On a swinging, falling poster

Like a ship goes up and down -

While waves create a scary sound

A ringing, zinging, high pitch whine

I do not hear it all the time

Only when all else is quiet

Is it lack of sleep or diet?

I'll be glad when the cause is found

Cure - physio, or pills sent round

My doctor says the inner ear

Controls both, so a cure is near.

My friend says just rotate both feet

So messages to brain will meet

Though feet and brain seem far apart

Signs travel through the lungs and heart

The world is known by eyes and ears

Right from your very early years

Earth at your feet, eye level's here

No need to think about it, dear

It's like a distant radio

Take no notice, no need to know

Your body talks, it gets work done

'til one thing fails, then that's no fun

Feet send a signal which is clear

My head's on top, my feet down here.

Or both my feet and head in bed

Stop jumping when I rest my head

Head, hear blood, don't drive me mental

Head on pillow, I'm horizontal

I'm not standing, no longer vertical

Listen, brain cells, nerves told you all

So I'll go off to A and E

I'm glad the NHS is 'free'

Paid by our taxes in advance

So when we need health, we can glance

From your toenails up to your hair

Just fill in a long questionnaire

Doctors and nurses hurry by

Leave me to trust helpful AI.

Like saving for a rainy day

AI need not get in your way

It's like your money in the banks

Helps when needed and needs no thanks.

-ends-

Tinnitus and dizziness both caused by the ear, related problems, my doctor said.

Please share with friends, family and colleagues the links to your favourite posts. Please follow me. Share with friends, family, colleagues, teachers, pupils, fellow poets, links to your favourite poems and my blog.

My books of poetry are on Amazon.com and Amazon.co.uk and Lulu.com

A Xmas present to yourself, friends or family.

If Your Hair Is Straight Or Frizzy comical poem 704 by Angela Lansbury

 If your hair is straight or frizzy

And you have a special date

You need not get in a tizzy

If your hairdresser is busy

There's no need for you to wait

DIY it curly or straight

Just like a shirt which you drip-dry

You make it wet, then let it dry

While holding straight with pins and combs.

Or curl your finger, when at home

In a cafe or by the sea

I promise you it works for me

-ends-

I number my poems to keep them in numerical so I can find them again, or refer back to them with other people. I discovered early on that if I kept changing the title of a poem and kept them in alphabetical order it was time-consuming to try to locate a poem, to find the latest version, or the shorter early version or to compare version 1 with revised renamed version 2, or to identify a poem which somebody else had read under a different title.

Please share with friends, family and colleagues the links to your favourite posts. Please follow me. Share with friends, family, colleagues, teachers, pupils, fellow poets, links to your favourite poems and my blog.

My books of poetry are on Amazon.com and Amazon.co.uk and Lulu.com

An Xmas present to yourself, friends or family.

Fabulous Food For the Festive Season comical poem 703 by Angela Lansbury

 It is always good 

To talk about food

A little something

To make you feel good

I like to chatter

About foods which matter

You ought to eat healthily

Even if you're not wealthy

Some food makes you fatter

Like sugar and batter

Whilst salads will slim you

To fit clothes which flatter

I start with something

That's good for my heart

A grapefruit with red cherry

Some like sherry to make merry

I like a Prosecco

From warm Italy

Or a Cava from Spain

Or Champagne's fine by me

We like to eat fish

Three times weekly, a dish

We never forget

To add some courgettes

And we're never mean

With well-cooked aubergine

I praise the good cook

For the care which he took

Potato in its jacket

Is easy to bake

Soy sauce in a packet

A minor mistake

End with a surprise

Christmas pud, or mince pies

At three, the king's speech

Will he praise, thank, teach or preach?

For high tea, Christmas cake

If we're all still awake

We'll all diet, I believe

Until New Year's Eve.

I hope old friends will say

'You're looking good!'

And my husband won't quip 

'Like a Christmas pud!'

-ends-

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My books of poetry are on Amazon.com and Amazon.co.uk and Lulu.com

A Xmas present to yourself, friends or family.

My Body Is Like A Train comical poem number 702 by Angela Lansbury

Brixton station. Photo by Angela Lansbury. Copyright.

 My body is like a London train

Start, and stop, and change again

Signal failure, then it runs fine

But a foreign body is blocking the line

Now I am feeling dizzy

Maybe it's a blood clot

A stroke, something permanent blocked

I do hope that it's not

My body's going nowhere

All activity has stopped

I have to wait, and rest, and read

Pretend that I don't care a jot

The system is all linked

Doctors are like engineers

Checking every junction

Don't delay with silly fears

They prod parts, check, make them function

Stop the clock, turn back the years

My body is like a London train

It stops, delayed, then moves again.

-ends-

Please share with friends, family and colleagues the links to your favourite posts. Please follow me. Share with friends, family, colleagues, teachers, pupils, fellow poets, links to your favourite poems and my blog.

My books of poetry are on Amazon.com and Amazon.co.uk and Lulu.com

A Xmas present to yourself, friends or family.

How To Record Poems. Writing comical poetry post 701 by Angela Lansbury

Poetry notebook in the shower room. Photo by Angela Lansbury. Copyright.

I woke in the night with the opening couplet of a poem in my head. To not wake anybody else, I went to the shower room, placed a towelling cover on the the toilet lid for comfort, and sat thinking.

I fetched a pen and notebook and wrote out the poem. I planned to type it the next morning.

 I knew from previous experience that typing on a laptop at night could lead to me sitting up all night. Advertisements and news flashes are a distraction. So a simple old-fashioned notebook and pen in the bathroom is a good idea.

The next day I stuck a label on it, labelling it poems in black broad felt tip pen. My next addition will be a piece of elastic or a custom made pen holder. When I am asked what I want for xmas, I shall say pen holders. Buy a dozen, wholesale, at a reduced price. Than I can have one on each of many many notebooks, the diary, the poem notebook, and so on.

-ends-

Please share with friends, family and colleagues the links to your favourite posts. Please follow me. Share with friends, family, colleagues, teachers, pupils, fellow poets, links to your favourite poems and my blog.

My books of poetry are on Amazon.com and Amazon.co.uk and Lulu.com

A Xmas present to yourself, friends or family.

I Woke In The Night, Lost For Words comical poem 700 by Angela Lansbury

Magnifying glass and laptop. Photo by Angela Lansbury. Copyright.

 I woke in early, in the night

I had a poem in my head

But I'd had less than 5 hours sleep

So I stayed in nice, warm bed

Now at my laptop the next day

My special poem's gone away

I live in sixes and sevens

Night's lost poem's in the heavens

If I believed in afterlife

Which I think is wishful thinking

I'd ask St Peter for each verse

Lost at night, or after drinking

Now I am in dreadful distress

My lovely poem's gone astray

Like parcels to the wrong address

Which should be safely here today.

My mind is like an empty box

I've tried the keys, shaken the locks

I do not have a single word

No clue to lead to songs I heard

I've hunted high and hunted low

Where did my witty words all go?

Not delivered intact next day

So you and I will never know.

-ends-

In case any reader was not aware of Christian mythology, St Peter is said to be the gatekeeper of heaven. Numerous jokes are about the questions St Peter puts to people who want to get in the gate. In this case I am at the gate, asking St Peter, like a postman, or a householder delivered the wrong parcel meant for another address, for the delivery of my lost poems.

I was rather pleased with these metaphors. Poems like parcels. The image of the poet knocking on doors. Hoping to find lost poems in heaven. St Peter like a porter holding deliveries. A poet queueing like someone at a post office for words to be delivered.

Please follow me. Share with friends, family, colleagues, teachers, pupils, fellow poets, links to your favourite poems and my blog.

My books of poetry are on Amazon.com and Amazon.co.uk and Lulu.com

A Xmas present to yourself, friends or family.